To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@potatoesandonions

I didn't really want my DH at the birth of my son... I still feel the same way regarding any future second birth! However, I knew he would be hurt not to be there and so I came to a mental compromise (I never actually voiced my feelings that I'd rather he wasn't there)...

I told DH that I knew I wanted/needed him to be "hands off" and I planned (and had) a water birth. I spent the duration of my labour at home in the bedroom with him popping in and out occasionally and when I transferred to the MLU, DH just sat in an armchair in the corner and you'd have barely known he was there until the final moments where he came to sit quietly at the edge of the pool.

I should probably clarify that we're a little different in that I had no issues about him seeing all the gory stuff etc, I simply knew that I didn't want to be touched/communicated with very much and my instinct would have ideally been to give birth alone because I tolerate pain better that way!

I guess what I'm wondering is whether there might be a slight compromise that could be considered and worked into your birth plan. Either way, though, I think your feelings are perfectly valid!

@VinylDetective oh absolutely I know it does apply to some women, I just get frustrated seeing it churned out constantly in threads as a sweeping statement that applies to all women when many really would notice/care. But as you say the main point of this is that no means no.

The shitty comments, many from women who have given birth themselves, makes me realise that nothing is going to change for birthing mothers because as a whole we don't think they deserve any better

Quite apart from that, I'm not in favour of denying women what they want when they're in sound mind because I'm counting on them feeling differently when they're completely out of it.

This is what I find really scary about threads like this.

OP I think your idea of birth isn’t the most accurate, some births maybe are all vomit and shitting yourself and screaming, but not all.
I’m quite similar to you in the sense that I go into myself in pain, I instructed DP and DM to sit away from me don’t touch me and if I look like I want to stab you shut up. I didn’t scream in labour or birth, sweated yes but vomiting and pooing no I didn’t. Even if I did the sheet I had over me would of hid that from DP as he stood at the top end while I actually delivered DC. As far as the nakedness, I wasn’t particularly bothered but DP didn’t see anyway, you always have a sheet over you and even if you birth on all 4s or knees he’d not see anything at the top of the bed. At most he’d get a bit of arse crack and if youve ever had sex doggy style he’d of seen that anyway.

If you really don’t want him there sit and have a chat but be prepared for him to be hurt by this. Maybe consider giving him some instructions to follow so he doesn’t get in your way but don’t push him out completely.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Exactly. That's like saying if you were in a terrible RTA it wouldnt matter who was around when you had your clothes cut away as you were off your face on pain relief. Unless your life was truly more in danger by not acting instantly they would get bystanders the fuck away.

Or how about well when your fucked you wont care who you have sex with so lets ply you with alcohol?

Barring necessary life saving medical intervention, a woman's expressed wishes should be adhered to when she is not in a postion to advise.

In fact, not just women, all people. Write a will. Then when your brain is gone with dementia is is ok for people to go against your prior expressed wishes?

Of course it fucking isnt.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Quite apart from that, I'm not in favour of denying women what they want when they're in sound mind because I'm counting on them feeling differently when they're completely out of it.

This is what I find really scary about threads like this.

Everything about threads like this scares me.

Childbirth, the ultimate in female experience. We all know it can be a very positive thing, but we also all know how terribly wrong it can go, and that the woman's needs - whatever will protect her mental health and, by extension, the best chances of as smooth a birth as possible- must be paramount. And I do actually mean paramount, not "now I've said that I can tell you why we should really be worrying about the men". Paramount. End of. She is a patient and she has the right to confidentiality, personal autonomy and dignity as she undergoes a process that will involve pain and very likely also things like vomiting, bowel evacuation, tearing and so on. She should have total, 100% choice over who if anyone gets to see that outside of medical professionals without judgement or pressure, right? We don't pressure patients to have witnesses to potentially distressing and humiliating processes if they wouldn't find it helpful, do we?

But for this, we do. His baby too, his "rights", his "experience". Or it'll be fine because she won't care once she's not in a state of sound mind. She "should consider his feelings", she's "selfish", it'll be her fault if he turns out to be a piece of shit who stops loving her or chooses not to parent if he can't impose himself on this. His wants over her needs. Imagine saying any of these things about a decision to terminate or continue a pregnancy. Horrifying, isn't it?

The fact that men actually came on here to tell us how much they respect what women go through right before exhorting us to endure unnecessary pain and trauma just to please them, all while in the clear belief that they are such incredibly good guys...words actually fail me.

Men in the delivery room was supposed to be by mutual agreement, if the woman would find it supportive and helpful. It was not supposed to make childbirth a right of male experience. Because it fucking is not.

Probably one of those over-eager-cord-cutter types.

People make such a big deal about labour now ( a PP said it sounds like a ticketed event sometimes!) but ultimately, the only thing everyone wants/needs is for the mother and baby to be safe and healthy. All the rest- birthing partners, birth plans, etc. are just personal preferences, there isn’t a right or wrong way to give birth as long as the mother and baby come through it safely.
It can all go tits up on the day anyway- one friend nearly had her second baby in the hospital car park as her labour was so fast. Thankfully they lifted her out of the car and onto a gurney to get her inside before the baby appeared 10 minutes later!

@ShebaShimmyShake absolutely right.

I find this thread really weird. A pregnant woman is told that it's her body and her choice when it comes to whether she wants to have the baby or not, and that is the case legally up to 24 weeks (and according to some that should be the case right up to birth).
Also, there will be situations where the father of the baby is abusive, should the pregnant mum have no right to say she doesn't want him there in that situation?
Surely the woman giving birth should have the right to say if she doesn't want the father to be in the room with her? And to choose whether she wants to have anyone with her?

All of the above.

Just because other people don't understand OP's reasons doesn't mean they aren't valid for her.

YANBU, your body your choice and that is final. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and it's really about time we moved toward a completely 'mum centered' attitude when discussing choices around pregnancy and birth. What the partner wants to be allowed to do isn't the priority.
OP you may change your mind, you might not. My mum and husband were present for my first three labours. I was scared of being naked and in pain and vulnerable but personally I forgot about that as things progressed and I was really happy to have them both there. With DC4 I couldn't have both because of the pandemic and my mum came with me after discussion between me and DH. He was fine with it and was really excited to meet the baby when we came home. He doesn't regret not coming although obviously it was a very different experience to before. He doesn't feel like his bond is any different because he missed her entry to the world. I hope that view point reassures or helps you in some way.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 in all fairness labour is a pretty big deal for a woman to go through- a healthy baby and healthy mum also means a mum who isn’t traumatised or distressed by what she went through, which is why ensuring a positive experience for the woman is really important.

I think you definitely need to find some online NCT classes or something. You seem to have made decisions based on facts you think are correct when in fact they aren't. Once you've gained a better knowledge about what might happen you can make a decision but it really would help you to be better informed particularly in relation to the effects complications may have on your mental capacity.

Why my sister was born my dad was asked which life he should prioritise - my sisters or my mums. He chose my mum because they had two other children. Those aren't decisions a medical professional should make. When my sister was in labour she was whisked away to be stitched up. The baby couldn't go with her. What would you do in that situation? The baby needs a nappy on/ dressing etc. If you're exhausted after a three day labour who will do that?

The birth of your baby is an incredibly precious moment. If the tables were turned I'd be heartbroken if DH stopped me from being there. He doesn't have to be down the business end to see anything you don't want him to see.

@bananacone. Totally agree, but I think it’s sometimes helpful to focus more on the ultimate goal and less on the “experience”- because the experience is often so different to the reality!

@KenAdams

I think you definitely need to find some online NCT classes or something. You seem to have made decisions based on facts you think are correct when in fact they aren't. Once you've gained a better knowledge about what might happen you can make a decision but it really would help you to be better informed particularly in relation to the effects complications may have on your mental capacity.

Why my sister was born my dad was asked which life he should prioritise - my sisters or my mums. He chose my mum because they had two other children. Those aren't decisions a medical professional should make. When my sister was in labour she was whisked away to be stitched up. The baby couldn't go with her. What would you do in that situation? The baby needs a nappy on/ dressing etc. If you're exhausted after a three day labour who will do that?

The birth of your baby is an incredibly precious moment. If the tables were turned I'd be heartbroken if DH stopped me from being there. He doesn't have to be down the business end to see anything you don't want him to see.

Ah yes, the only reason a woman might have boundaries is because she simply doesn't know any better and is not "educated" enough.

Why my sister was born my dad was asked which life he should prioritise - my sisters or my mums. He chose my mum because they had two other children. Those aren't decisions a medical professional should make

My father was asked the same question during one of my mother's births. They had no trouble talking to him and asking him without him being in the delivery room.

They are also decisions medical professionals can and do make, if there is a next of kin available to talk to they can factor in those wishes.

I thought they always prioritise mum?

I would want my partner there, but that's because I would be scared and want a hand hold tbh. So really my reasons to have him there would be based on my wants and needs, rather than his.

I think you're quite strong and brave for wanting to do it solo.

I don't know anyone who gave birth without anyone there at all, but fairly sure it's quite common for women to choose to have someone else there like their mum, friend or sister instead of their partner?

"Why my sister was born my dad was asked which life he should prioritise - my sisters or my mums. He chose my mum because they had two other children. Those aren't decisions a medical professional should make."

WTF, do you live somewhere with a male guardianship system like Saudi Arabia?! As a nurse, I find it hard to believe that a partner would actually be asked their preference around this in the UK in 2020.

I don't remember being naked when I gave birth. Wear a nightie or a long t shirt
Nobody says you have to be starkers

I thought until baby was out the life of the mother overrides the life of the baby, if anyone was to decide otherwise surely it would need to be the woman herself

When my sister was in labour she was whisked away to be stitched up. The baby couldn't go with her. What would you do in that situation? The baby needs a nappy on/ dressing etc. If you're exhausted after a three day labour who will do that?

Well presumably the OPs DH will be somewhere close by, probably just in another room waiting. If he wasn't the midwife's would do it obviously. They don't just deliver a baby and then leave it to fend for itself if the mother has to be rushed away . Also I managed to wash and dress my baby after a 2 day labour at 18.

I've never heard of anyone having a 72 hour labour though.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I've never heard of anyone having a 72 hour labour though.

72 hours is 3 days. That's absolutely not unusual, my first was that long, so was my sister's and my aunt's.