Friend driving us up the walls.

[Brot64]

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

I have someone like this in my life, it comes and goes in waves. Unfortunately the manic periods where I am bombarded with abuse and conspiracy theories etc. are now longer than the time he is pleasant and rational.
I have tried responding to his rantings calmly and factually
e.g. “You are more likely to be struck by lightening than die of Covid 19”
I try responding with the facts i.e. Number of people who die from lightening strikes per year in the U.K. v Number of deaths from Covid 19 in the last 6 months and tell him to do the math.
This hasn’t worked so now he is blocked.

I think you need to contact the police about this harassment. You have been very clear that he is not to contact you and he is not listening. Is there any way he might come to the house? He sounds worrying. Report him to the police and tell him you have done so.

I would not be meeting him for any reason and I would also not allow him into my home if he shows up at your door. He is completely unhinged to the point it's alarming.

If he’s really a close friend and he’s having some sort of mental breakdown then you need to seriously think about how much time/effort you are willing or able to put into supporting him. There’s no point arguing with him, he won’t see your point of view, but you can still be there for him if you have the stamina and inclination to put up with the madness.

My DH has responded to the email simply saying, "Fuck off". I am so drained, we have been at this since 6am and granted it's my fault for engaging but I never imagined it would get to this. I will try speaking to his ex later and see if there is a back story or at least to know what has caused this all and inform her that someone needs to check on him if she is unaware. He was such a rational, respectful person. I am not sure what happened.

The problem is, from his perspective, that you have now become 'one of them'. Anything you say regarding his mental health will just be taken as you trying to 'convert him' and get him to shut up speaking the truth (as he sees it).

Those who are the most genuinely unwell are the most unable to see it.

It may not be Covid that is really the problem, perhaps his relationship broke down because he became increasingly irrational, past the point at which his XP could cope? Unfortunately you are never going to get him to say 'oh yes, I realise now that I'm mentally unwell and my beliefs are just plain daft - my bad.' He needs help, but he's not going to see it that way. Does he have siblings or anyone closer than parents who may be better placed to find out what's really going on?

Your DH should reply to his question what does he think: I think you’re harrasing my wife and MIL. I wonder if he backs off once a man tells himo

himo - him to

You are not listing to me or respecting my boundaries. Sending 69 emails in one day is not normal behaviour and is very concerning, hence my comments about your MH.

I do not wish to have any further discussion with you.

I will report you for harassment if you continue to contact me.

Your DH needs to reply to the work one I think, pointing out that his continued communications are now constituting harassment, and he is not to contact you by any means whatsoever. If he continues to harass either you or members of your family then you will have no alternative but to report him to the police.

Which, incidentally, I think you should do now anyway.

OMG. Breathtaking. And very weird. To be honest he does sound as if he is heading towards psychosis.

Tempting though it is to engage with him in one of his 'constructive conversations', it's completely pointless. If you can signpost anyone else who might have more influence on him (eg parents) I think that's all you can do other than block block block.

Just block everything , very easy.

I'd get tough now and just tell him to stop messaging altogether and then block everywhere. He's gone so far down the rabbit hole the only acceptable response from you will be to convert to his way of thinking - it really is a cult, all this conspiracy stuff. He's not interested in a debate with you, he wants to convert you to this 'truth' he apparently knows.

And tbh I've seen people go this way and they were not having a breakdown or MH crisis as such they had 'just' been thoroughly brainwashed and literally everyone who didn't think like them became either a 'poor soul' who needed 'saving' or a willful enemy who was part of -insert conspiracy-.

I think during times of collective crisis unfortunately many people are vulnerable to this and there are no end of videos and conspiracy nuts who weave together word salad about some sort of 'truth' to try and give the pretence of certainty. It's really dangerous and the internet makes it so much easier for people to brainwash others.

He thinks your message was patronising and then turns around and sends you an extremely insulting, mansplaining email? I think your DH's response was very apropos.

Your friend does sound unwell, but there is no reason in the world you should feel obliged to engage with him.

He knows where we live and he lived about 20min away from us. I don't know where he is now as he's not at the Ex's. But he must be around as he's suggesting coffee. Of course I wouldn't be meeting for coffee. DH and one of our employees (Male) are home and will be all day. The DC's are also home which would be my main worry if he turned up although I am hoping he does not because I would hate to report him to the police.

@ButtonMoonLoon

I think you may have your answer as to why he and his partner separated 🙁

^ This with bells on.

Quite a few people have gone like this. There's allsorts of things that go on in the world. Some are true and some are false. We are very sheltered in some parts of the world.

I can understand people wanting more answers about this virus and why it's so sinister compared to the usual viruses we have all had all our lives. Why is there a netflix program from 2018 acting out this virus in China?How can a market in China infect the whole world?

None of us will ever know the truth. But we've got to enjoy our lives and not get obsessed.

Alot of things in the world have got worse or poor.

I don't think the UK in particular has been the same since the 2008 recession. Jobs have become harder to find. Hospitals have massively cut back on services. Police services have also been cut. Since mobile phones have taken over bullying is worse. Suicide is up. More hate crime happens. Violence is much worse in young people. Racism is worse. More people need food banks. The cost of living is getting higher and yet people own more things. There are some amazing young people in the world. But there are alot of foul young people now too. In the last month locally a women's had her pram kicked in the river by teenagers. A womens been spat on and her baby from teenagers on a car park roof. A man in his sixties has been beaten to a pulp by a lad on a moped who asked him to move of the pavement.

Teachers can't control the rebellious kids. Children are on allsorts of online stuff at primary school age. They bully eachother on it. They threaten eachother on it. They already have access to things they are not mature enough for. Walking around with expensive phones. Constantly in touch with their peers.

Children with additional needs can not get places at a school with the right support. Waiting lists are huge.

Mental health services are also a mess. Long waiting lists and not enough support.

Then we have pensioners who are so skint and can't afford food and heating. Who are neglected by the so called system. Eating microwave meals and paying hundreds a month for basic care.

The world has heaps of problems. The UK has loads of problems. I would send him some stuff back about your concerns with the world and tell him he should be concerned with what's actually affecting people's lives.

If he wants to do some good. Tell him to send some food to a foodbank. Volunteer to help the elderly. Or volunteer to help in a school.

But passing around videos made by paranoid bored people with no evidence is not helping anyone. Even if some of it is true. What can any of us do about it!

Is it just me or are there more of these nut jobs around lately? I’ve had to unfriend a few on Facebook because of their anti mask, anti vac Covid denial horseshit.

@Rhine

Is it just me or are there more of these nut jobs around lately? I’ve had to unfriend a few on Facebook because of their anti mask, anti vac Covid denial horseshit.

Yes there are. People are finding the world hard to handle right now, and some retreat into fantasy to try and make sense of and/or exert some control over it.

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry he took it that way, but at least you tried to help him. Hopefully in time he will understand that.

As a PP said there's no reasoning with people sometimes when they are in so deep.

He needs help though and I'd definitely be talking to his ex and other family members if possible.

@Rhine
My partner's cousin has gone like it. Never in her life has she talked about politics and stuff. She's normally happy go lucky. Chats about motherhood and family. She had a little business and is training to be a teacher. Suddenly she's obsessed and her Facebook that she hardly used it full of conspiracy theories and memes about expanding your mind and things. It's so weird to see. She goes on about it too much now, I'm embarrassed for her.

I'd speak to his ex. I think the fact he almost forbade you speaking to her post break up was odd in itself. She probably knows something about either his MH or has suffered this side of his behaviour before. If he is ill you need to know what it is that he is dealing with to know how to respond and protect your family and her. He sounds as though he is possibly suffering delusions of grandeur if he thinks his knowledge is on par with your mother who is published in the field.

A lot of people can't handle not being in control and health scares like this increase some people's tendency to conspiracy if they see patterns rather than science. It's very similar to the anti-vaxxing groups and is often emotionally led. Sadly until these people are affected by a disease they are unlikely to believe in it's effects.

I agree you need to phone his ex. Not to probe her for information but that you are concerned about his MH and just wanted her to know in case she feels she needs to take any precautions.

If it leads to her confiding in you, so much the better. But I wouldn't ask.

As far as your now ex-friend goes, we've had this going on in the US since 2008, first with Obama and 'birthers' and 'secret muslim' theorists and now with the joker in the WH and his idiocy. I don't do SM, but DH does. He's unfriended/blocked/cast into outer darkness any number of people, some close friends of decades, because of their conspiracy views. It's just not worth the effort of arguing with them or the aggro of reading their conspiracy shit.

Don't be afraid to contact the police if you have to.

It's probably worth contacting his family including is ex, because it does sound as if he could be bipolar or have other serious MH issues. But for your own sake all you can do is block him everywhere and call the police if he turns up on your doorstep.

Your mum sounds like a researcher/academic, and she should involve her HR/institution in helping her deal with her harassment, which 69 emails since 10 at night certainly is- they will have a strategy for dealing with this and she shouldn't hesitate to employ this as he may turn up/continue to send emails.

He is clearly mentally unwell, not just sharing ideas and no, coffees, more emails are absolutely not what's required. Ring the police if you are worried and don't engage further with him.