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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend driving us up the walls.

437 replies

Brot64 · 10/08/2020 12:57

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

OP posts:
Chungus · 10/08/2020 14:16

I think you need to be clear to him that you're worried about his mental health. Point out, kindly, that that amount of emails to someone who isn't responding is not very worrying behaviour from the point of view of his mental health and also would be viewed as harassment my the police.

Don't even mention the content of the emails at all any more, it's not relevant.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/08/2020 14:16

I wouldn't engage with him at all about his theories, that's not where the problem lies. I would send a message along the lines of "I'm worried about you, your behaviour is very unusual for you. It's not your theory about the current pandemic that worries me, it's that you have unrelentingly harassed and bullied me and my Mother. You are not the kind and reasonable person that I have known in the past. I strongly recommend that you seek help, your GP would be a good first port of call."

Lisette1940 · 10/08/2020 14:19

I have a friend who is having mental health issues (and is refusing help from medical professionals) and she has started to behave in a similar vein but not quite as bad. She's become very strident in her views particularly around the issue of corona virus. I had to put in pretty firm boundaries and she has responded by dropping me. I am saddened because I know she's not well but I was finding her very hard to cope with.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/08/2020 14:19

I imagine that your Mum has already put a re-direct on his emails so that they either go into spam or a dedicated folder and not into her inbox. It's what I would do. I would recommend that you do it too, so that emails don't keep popping up. Also silence and/or block messages and texts if you can.

willloman · 10/08/2020 14:21

What blackamericanosugar said. I would proceed cautiously as it sounds like he is in a psychotic state. If he has siblings/closer friends I would be in touch to discuss what to do. Don't be confrontational/antagonistic as he clearly is not operating in a rational state of mind.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/08/2020 14:22

It’s clear that a) he’s not well, b) he’s harassing your mother. Last text to tell him not to contact your mother or sheMll go to the police. Then block him on everything.

1WildTeaParty · 10/08/2020 14:22

69 messages ! Clearly not a normal interest in her reply.

I've come across this before... in someone suffering a serious mental-health episode.

If you are a close friend, you might overlook the rude/arrogance and the obsessive behaviour but you might also look at whether he needs help with a mental-health condition that has recently arisen.

Brot64 · 10/08/2020 14:22

Spoke too soon. My last message was totally ignored. Instead, I have received this response:

And it’s not about “belief” - it’s about what has been “proved” - after all this is science not philosophy - and the germ “theory” is exactly that - a theory - unproven - so where does that leave us? Resting on the philosophical “beliefs” of generations of medical scientists? Or searching for “proven truths”? Philosophy is fantasy - truth is reality - I am interested in reality - you?

With an additional link to sign a petition titled " Prevent any restrictions on those who refuse a Covid-19 vaccination".

I have responded and said that I am very concerned about his MH and that he needs to speak to his GP or seek out a therapist. After saying this, he has gone ballistic. I have blocked him on text and WhatsApp.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/08/2020 14:22

I'd let his ex know. I realise it's not her problem, but she may also be aware of something leading up to this and/or the same behaviour and if he is unwell she is probably in a better place to advise someone of it.

TorkTorkBam · 10/08/2020 14:23

Secretive break up. Hmmm. Something was nasty there already I think and him keeping you away from talking to the ex is a bad sign for who was rotten. I doubt this is a new thing really

Chungus · 10/08/2020 14:26

Were you clear that you're worried because of the amount of emails/messages etc, not because of their content?

BertiesLanding · 10/08/2020 14:27

OP, your friend is in a mental health spiral, and, yes, the only thing to do is to block him, because there is no way to get through to someone who is in the grip of such a strong complex. I hope that will have put an end to it.

Atalune · 10/08/2020 14:28

Oh god. Sounds like a horrible mess. I hope your friend comes up for air in a few months and gets well.

DotForShort · 10/08/2020 14:29

I'm sorry he responded that way, though I suppose it's not surprising. I think you've done all you could, and blocking him now was the only option. Maybe he will seek help. And maybe at some point the friendship can be resumed, though it may be irretrievable due to his actions.

Sunnydayhere · 10/08/2020 14:29

I’ve a US based facebook friend. We share a hobby but not politics etc.

He’s a staunch 2nd amendment republican. I’m a quieter, slightly left vegan.

I got fed up of his responses to minor FB posts + statements. I’m not a Marxist, antifa etc as he thinks. He’s currently on a 30 day snooze and is excluded from my posts.

My FB page is far more peaceful, I and my friends do not have to see his anger, insults, bitterness and bile every morning. (He posts In his evening time)

Not sure if I’ll keep him snoozing, unfriend or totally block him as at times I do feel sorry for him with other medical issues he has.

1WildTeaParty · 10/08/2020 14:31

I can see that he might (especially in the state he sounds to be in) take your reply as:

'you're nuts to believe this stuff - go see a doctor'

rather than:

'you are sending so many e-mails and sounding so distressed, that I'm now worried about you and your health. How are you feeling at the moment? ...'

BertiesLanding · 10/08/2020 14:32

@Sunnydayhere

I’ve a US based facebook friend. We share a hobby but not politics etc.

He’s a staunch 2nd amendment republican. I’m a quieter, slightly left vegan.

I got fed up of his responses to minor FB posts + statements. I’m not a Marxist, antifa etc as he thinks. He’s currently on a 30 day snooze and is excluded from my posts.

My FB page is far more peaceful, I and my friends do not have to see his anger, insults, bitterness and bile every morning. (He posts In his evening time)

Not sure if I’ll keep him snoozing, unfriend or totally block him as at times I do feel sorry for him with other medical issues he has.

I unfollowed everyone on Fb for several weeks during the height of Covid, and it greatly improved my sense of peace and state of mind.

The problem with the OP's friends way of thinking is that it's scarily infectious. We have several viruses winging their way around the world, only one of them being biological.

BertiesLanding · 10/08/2020 14:33

*friend's

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/08/2020 14:35

Your mother should report it to her employers too. I’m sure IT can block him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 14:37

Gosh. You are handling this very well. If you know any of his family members, it may be worth letting them know what he is up to.

ButtonMoonLoon · 10/08/2020 14:37

I think you may have your answer as to why he and his partner separated 🙁

tribpot · 10/08/2020 14:39

I think I would be warning his ex because it sounds like he's in a frame of mind where he could do harm, either to himself or others.

Your mum should block him but consider reporting him for harassment, 69 emails in a 15 hour period is definitely worrying.

I hope he is able to get some help but I don't think there's anything further you can do.

peanutsandpinenuts · 10/08/2020 14:41

@Brot64

Hmm What a response!

You've been super clear and I don't think there is much more you can say/do.

You don't have to cut him off completely - he's a longstanding friend who sounds like he's had a rough time and has cracked a bit under the pressure - but stop responding to these specific messages, maybe mute him for a bit and let him blow himself out on this. Your mum has the right idea by not responding.

Splitsunrise · 10/08/2020 14:42

Jeez he does sound very unwell... right call in blocking him

Brot64 · 10/08/2020 14:45

DH has just informed me that an email from him has just come into my work email. DH and I run a business together so he has access to emails and work phones.

The email reads, I think you are being very close minded, I am offended by your patronising assumption on my mental health.

How about a coffee this afternoon to discuss this issue further. Blocking someone who is trying to have a constructive conversation with you on a topic that is very current and that affects us directly is very juvenile Brot. What does (inserted DH's name) think about your limiting beliefs? Very disappointing reaction from both your mother and yourself. You are an educated woman, wake up. Let me know about coffee.

OP posts:
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