Friend driving us up the walls.

[Brot64]

Read a somewhat similar post here last night but cannot find it, so cannot contribute or ask what needs asking.

I have been bombarded with messages, text and emails, from a friend of ours since 6am this morning. I always wake up at 5am so the issue is not the time, more the messages. It's all covid related, conspiracy based articles, PDF's anti vaccine re:covid, how our society is being hijacked, how the world is being reset, how wearing masks is causing ill health particularly dental, the list is endless, followed by numerous messages. He also knows my mother, who use to be a virologist but is now a neuropathologist though not here , and has bombarded her with numerous emails some in which he has stated that the work she did and does is a hoax particularly in relation to virology (she wrote numerous published articles and he seems to be very interested in).

As she has not been responding he asked me to forward and discuss a report with her, we didn't actually discuss it but to calm him (I know, terrible) I did say we have and it's all the same conspiracy view. I have been responding so might have fuelled this, however I have clearly stated that I am not interested in reading anymore of the articles.

DH suggests it's time to call quits on the friendship. We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation. I have very much enjoyed our friendship but now I dread hearing from him. We cannot seem to speak about anything else aside from this. Am I being insensitive here? If you wouldn’t end the friendship, what approach would you take considering that simply telling him, we have different views and I wouldn’t be reading anymore of these articles doesn’t seem to have any effect on him?

@NoSquirrels

We have been friends since university, and all was well until covid and his recent separation

He sounds as if he's experiencing some mental distress. Obsessive conspiracy theory-type stuff - if he has never been like this in the past then I would be very worried about him.

Agree with this

You've handled it better then I would, hopefully he gets some help

I have at least 2 on my fv friends list who constantly post about covid conspiracy theories and how masks are impregnated with covid to kill off the population etc. Its nuts

Just like to add that your priority should be yourself and your mum - you have a right to live in peace without fear. You cannot be this man's nurse while you are his victim. I don't agree that you should follow up with the ex for updates - this just keeps you and your mum sucked up into the horror. Let the professionals bring this man back to good health. Look after you and your mum, especially your mum, as having her life's work trashed must have been truly horrible for her. You have come across as a wonderful person and you'll be there for this man again. Just not now.

My DH has been through a few episodes of this, where he fixates on a topic and obsessively researches and talks about it. He has never harrassed other people though. The first time he was able to recognise that he needed some help and some anti depressants brought him out of it.

The second time he was much more agitated and not keen to take anti depressants, but after a few weeks when they kicked in he was back to normal.

@Brot64 before the thread goes poof - here is the other thread you were trying to find:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3986499-AIBU-To-feel-like-Im-losing-my-sister-to-conspiracy-theories

[quote CallmeBadJanet]@Giraffey1 Cool your jets, I didn't have the whole day to read the whole thread.[/quote]
Its really easy to read the OP's posts now tough

*though

@Brot64

Please try not to take some of the comments from other MN posters to heart.
I think you’ve dealt with the situation appropriately as it developed and it must have been so difficult for you to see a loved one’s behaviour completely change.
You’ll possibly also feel a sense of ‘loss’ as he’s been a friend for such a long time.
I hope he gets the help he clearly needs and you’re no longer subjected to his views.

The difference is very clear, he no longer respects your views or boundaries. This is crossing a line of friendship! He is forcing his opinion and challenging your view in an aggressive manner. Although, you enjoyed your friendship with this person they're clearly expressing that they dont what to hear your objective, especially if it negatively impacts their findings.

If your mothers email is available to use that ok buuuuuut he is obsessive and NOT be rational in his approach. He is being rude and ignorant.

I would express how you feel, and if he doesn't understand or respect your views then he needs to reevaluate his friendship with you because you will not be tolerating his aggressive, closed minded opinion anymore.

OP I also think you have handled this well. If he does get help, he could make a good recovery and be back to the man you have been friends with for 20 years - and then he will need his friends. That’s true if this turns out to have been an isolated psychotic episode, even more so if it’s the emergence of bipolar.

@Brot64 You sound like an amazing friend! You've shown a lot more care & concern than I did from anyone when I had PND! Be proud of yourself! Absolutely NOBODY in my life would've devoted at full day from 6am to talk to me in a crisis!

PLEASE do update us. I hope he recovers quickly

Sounds like lockdown \ Separation has affected mental health? Regardless ... “lets agree to disagree and move on”??? If cant accept this then take steps to disengage. Perhaps stop responding until he talks about something else?

*Than I had I meant 🙈

@Brot64 I think you've handled this exceptionally well.

I hope he recovers and your friendship recovers too

I think you've handled it as well as you possibly could.
It would seem clear that he's having some sort of MH crisis and I hope he agrees to getting professional help and that your 20 year friendship isn't completely in tatters.

Thank you all and thanks @Sparticle for the link. This is exactly the thread I meant and was looking for. I have not dismissed our friendship, although that is now subject to him getting some help and of course wanting to continue the friendship himself.

For now, I am just glad that he is with people that can take the necessary steps to get him help, which I could not.

Dear x, as you do not seem able to stop harassing me with your personal insults and your views, and do not seem to respect mine, I have no choice but to block your messages, and suggest my mother block or ignore them too.

You did the right thing op i would have lost it with him before all that

the weird thing i dont understand is why only harrassing women-nothing has been started by a woman that we know of unless his frustration about his wife leaving has tipped him over and he thinks its all womens fault-of course irrationally

@Brot64 I think you have handled the situation really well.

Has he any history of mental health issues? The Covid situation has tested us all and mental health problems have worsened for many. Sounds at face value as possibly some form of psychotic episode. Sometimes this is a way for people to deal with the reality of the situation by creating an alternative reality. However as it’s not your responsibility to deal with his problems then I would definitely cut him loose.

Very much a grace under fire I think here op.

Sounds like he needs help, over anxious etc. Agree with other posters, do what you need to stop him harassing
you and yours, and maybe get in touch with people in his life who can help

@Brot64 I hope you're having a better day and some peace. Sadly Covid seems to have had a terrible effect on some people's MH, I've paused a friends Facebook account for 30 days because I can't stand the rubbish he's posting about vaccines. I hope your friend gets some help and you can be friends again

I think you have handled this entire episode admirably. I’m glad you friend is with his parents. Hopefully they can get him the help he needs.

I had to threaten to call the Police on a childhood family friend 14+ years ago due to receiving harassing phone calls from them which were quite upsetting. The phone calls then stopped but they still continue to try to contact me every few years whilst acting like everything is fine. I then realised that they have mental health issues. I haven't blocked their number as I want to be aware of if and when they are trying to call me. I stopped answering the phone several years ago. They've tried to contact me via FB including via my family members who are on FB, MSN Messenger, etc. They've randomly invited me to events over the years and recently got upset that I didn't attend their Granparents funeral. I don't even recall their Grandparent ever acknowledging me or even saying hello to me when I was a child! It's all emotional tactics to make me feel bad and talk to them. Narcissistic. They used to lie and make up stories involving me when we were children. We had a disagreement once in her parents home when we were teens. I had to fight them to get out of the house as they were barring the front door to stop me from leaving.
Be careful, alert their family if possible so they can get help and do what's best for you.