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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start asking DH for money if he wants me to look after DSC through holidays?

124 replies

BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:12

Just to clarify, I don't mean money for looking after them, like a babysitter. I mean money to do things with them.

I am currently furloughed and have been happy to have my DSC throughout whilst their parents work however, I am getting incredibly bored as are the kids and I don't have a huge amount of money to do anything with them.

We don't have joint finances, we just split bills and pay some out of each our bank accounts and he will send me money for shopping etc...

However, now I'm furloughed, I don't have a huge amount of disposable income whereas DH has been unaffected (is self employed) and is actually doing really well despite Covid and could afford to give me some money to do things with them.

I want to start asking him to give me some money so I can take the kids places a couple of times through the holidays so we aren't all sitting in with nothing to do.

I've been getting them out on walks and picnics etc... But even then, I'm the one paying for all the picnic food, petrol etc.. and I'd like to actually take them to do some bigger activities/different places every now and then.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:15

Ps. DH isn't massively into 'days out', he is quite happy with a walk and a sandwich so it wouldn't usually be a priority for him whereas I know the kids would love to go to an aquarium, farm or similar especially as we aren't now going on holiday this year.

OP posts:
chargeorge · 10/08/2020 12:15

totally reasonable and even if he gives you something towards it then its a help - how old are the kids?

Shizzlestix · 10/08/2020 12:16

Goodness me, of course you should ask! I suggest he transfers you however much you fancy weekly. The poor dc must be bored rigid if they don’t go out, not to mention you!

user1471457751 · 10/08/2020 12:18

Given you have separate finances I don't think it would be wrong for him to give you some cash for babysitting plus some cash for activities. You are saving him a small fortune on childcare/The opportunity cost of losing out on work to care for the children himself.

Original poster
BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:20

Thanks! I didn't think I was but wanted to check, it's more so as I say because he doesn't really spend money on this sort of thing usually and doesn't prioritise stuff like that.

I'm thinking maybe asking for like a weekly amount so we can choose what to do as and when the weather allows? If we don't spend it then whatever but at least it's there!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2020 12:26

Absolutely ask for it OP.
You are doing him and the Ex a massive favour here.
If he has any objections at all to your very fair request, then I'd tell him that I'm not doing it any more and he can get proper childcare sorted out.
His response will be all you need to know.

Original poster
BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:35

Thanks.

I don't think it would be wrong for him to give you some cash for babysitting plus some cash for activities

I'm not really bothered about having money for myself, I'm happy to have them I'm not doing anything else and to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint.

I just want to get out of the house and actually go and have some fun with them! They'd happily sit on games all day but I know they'd love it if we actually went out and did stuff too. And it would save my sanity for sure!

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 10/08/2020 12:37

What did he do with his children during the summer holidays before you were around to do it for him?

Xenia · 10/08/2020 12:38

When we first had a daily nanny for our children (we both work full time) she requested a going out allowance of that kind so we totted up costs of play groups and that kind of thing and it was a set amount per week (with receipts produced if requested). It seems a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
I certainly would not be lumbered with someone else's chidlren however and would force the father to arrange childcare at his and the mother's expense for all the hours they both work.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2020 12:39

I'm happy to have them I'm not doing anything else and to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint.

I should think so too because 'to be fair' they are HIS kids!

I can't believe you need to ask Mumsnet if you should ask your own husband to give you money to take his own kids out, since you're the one looking after them.

Just do it.

LovingLola · 10/08/2020 12:40

to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint.

They are HIS children. Not yours. Good fucking job he didn’t complain.

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2020 12:41

Do you not have equal access to finances?

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 12:43

to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint

As he should. They are HIS kids. Don't set yourself up to be grateful to have your own life. You are saving him and his ex thousands in childcare.

Original poster
BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:44

@pinkyredrose

Do you not have equal access to finances?
I don't have access to his bank no, and he doesn't mine.

We have joint savings but I'd rather not use them as I know DH has the funds to give me for this.

It's not that I think he won't. I just didn't know if people thought this was reasonable given the current climate especially or whether I should just suck it up and stick to the walks instead. And as I say, it's not something he really does a lot of himself.

In summer holidays previously, we've been on holidays and his ex has too and he's had help from family (both his and exes) that aren't able to at the moment due to Covid.

OP posts:
VacMan · 10/08/2020 12:47

I can't believe he's not helping you out anyway as you are furloughed and he is 'doing well'.

In our house if one earns more than the other then after bills are paid we split the rest so we've both got near enough the same spending money. So DH would top me up so I've got the same as him.

Ratbagcatbag · 10/08/2020 12:48

I'd absolutely ask. If he says no then tell him that him and his ex will have to sort out childcare because you are not sitting in all summer with very little money to do stuff with them.

vanillandhoney · 10/08/2020 12:49

Why don't you share finances? Why should you be struggling while he has plenty of money?

Clymene · 10/08/2020 12:50

You shouldn't be paying for petrol or picnic food to take his children out for the day. And it really doesn't matter if he is 'perfectly happy' with a walk and a picnic. I'm perfectly happy not going to the aquarium too but I do it because I'm a parent.

He sounds really tight tbh. You shouldn't have to ask - either for petrol money or the extra money to take them on a nice day out.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 10/08/2020 12:50

Separate finances are all very well but there's something very wrong in one partner seeing the other struggle financially (when they are doing very well themselves) and not voluntarily helping them out.

And of course he should look after the kids 'without complaint' if you have plans - they are his children. Him looking after them should be the default. You are doing him a massive favour and it's really bad that he hasn't taken financial responsibility, since he's already dumped physical responsibility!
He's taking you for a mug.

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 12:50

Shock! The parents are so lucky to have you! They should definitely be covering the children's expenses...food, petrol, activity costs. You need to present them with a bill pronto...It's lovely that you're happy to provide (free) childcare but this shouldn't be costing you money...

I'm amazed...Both DH/DSS mum should be bending over backwards and giving you loads of lovely presents for what you're doing and the money you're saving them.

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 12:51

Sorry, DSC mum.

BluebellForest836 · 10/08/2020 12:52

It’s a bit shit he hasn’t already offered to be honest.

So I’m guessing he doesn’t actually do anything with his kids then as he doesn’t see this as a priority.

Utter shit of him.

TheTrollFairy · 10/08/2020 12:53

I would ask my DP for money to take our DD out if I didn’t have enough and he would happily give me some if I asked so I don’t really see the difference in asking your DH for some

MannymanMunroe · 10/08/2020 12:54

You could be doing a million other lovely things with your furloughed time than looking after somebody else's kids. You shouldn't have to ask for money. He should be offering it up without question, and showering you with gifts for looking after his children. The fact that he is not means you are being taken for granted. Don't be a mug.

AdaColeman · 10/08/2020 12:55

Both your husband and the children's parents seem to be getting an exceptionally good deal out of this. In effect, you are being a nanny/childminder to the children, but instead of getting paid for it, you are using your own money all the time. Why?

Are you looking after the children for extra time so that the other parents can work? Why aren't they contributing?

It sounds as though all three of them are taking you for a mug, why aren't the costs for the children coming out of the household budget, or better still, your DH's vastly improved bank account.

Sit down with a calculator and work out a much fairer division of family money/expenses.

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