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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start asking DH for money if he wants me to look after DSC through holidays?

124 replies

BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:12

Just to clarify, I don't mean money for looking after them, like a babysitter. I mean money to do things with them.

I am currently furloughed and have been happy to have my DSC throughout whilst their parents work however, I am getting incredibly bored as are the kids and I don't have a huge amount of money to do anything with them.

We don't have joint finances, we just split bills and pay some out of each our bank accounts and he will send me money for shopping etc...

However, now I'm furloughed, I don't have a huge amount of disposable income whereas DH has been unaffected (is self employed) and is actually doing really well despite Covid and could afford to give me some money to do things with them.

I want to start asking him to give me some money so I can take the kids places a couple of times through the holidays so we aren't all sitting in with nothing to do.

I've been getting them out on walks and picnics etc... But even then, I'm the one paying for all the picnic food, petrol etc.. and I'd like to actually take them to do some bigger activities/different places every now and then.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 12:56

@MannymanMunroe

You could be doing a million other lovely things with your furloughed time than looking after somebody else's kids. You shouldn't have to ask for money. He should be offering it up without question, and showering you with gifts for looking after his children. The fact that he is not means you are being taken for granted. Don't be a mug.
This.

Don't be mug, OP.

lowlandLucky · 10/08/2020 13:00

I have voted YABU but only because i cant for the life of me understand if you are a family or just people living together. Seems to me that you are the Au pair and the parents are loving free childcare. Your Husband and the childrens Mother should be paying

alfrew · 10/08/2020 13:03

Do either of these parents show any appreciation for all you do OP?

howfarwevecome · 10/08/2020 13:08

If he expects you to spend your time at home on furlough entertaining his children, then he absolutely should be paying for the entertainment. You shouldn't be stuck in the house all day or walking around a local park if you have more enjoyable, reasonable options and he should be paying for it.

Ohtherewearethen · 10/08/2020 13:10

You are essentially paying to look after your husband and his ex's children. He ought to be transferring you money every week so you can plan what you'd like to do with them. The fact that he gets to skip off merrily to work and not even think for a second what his kids or you are up to, or if you're bored, etc and earn his full wage while you are getting much less is really selfish of him. Does he ask what you've been doing when he gets home? And if you say you went to the zoo for example, does he not even think that must have cost a fair bit and transfer some money into your account? The fact you have to ask him shows that he is very unreasonable when you are already doing him such a big favour and you care enough to not just let them play on screens all day.

Letseatgrandma · 10/08/2020 13:10

He’s taking you for a complete mug here and you really have to ask this...

I just didn't know if people thought this was reasonable

It sounds rather like he saw you coming.

DarkDarkNight · 10/08/2020 13:12

I’m staggered this hasn’t already occurred to him (and to the children’s mum too). They’re getting free childcare! If someone had my child I would definitely offer money. Just like if someone takes him to the pictures I would offer money for sweets.

What is he expecting you to do? It’s unfair on the kids for them to not have a couple of fun outings and it sounds like an issue of thoughtlessness or being tight rather than not being able to afford it.

AlcoholicHippo · 10/08/2020 13:12

I would be angry that he has put you in a position where you have to ask him for money for his children, that you are taking care of for him. What a cheeky fuck!

katy1213 · 10/08/2020 13:13

And make sure you backdate it!

Etinox · 10/08/2020 13:14

So he’s got a free nanny he gets to sleep with too. What a catch!

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 13:17

@Etinox

So he’s got a free nanny he gets to sleep with too. What a catch!
Yep. I hope OP isn't one of those women who'll do anything to Keep Her Man.
UnicornAndSparkles · 10/08/2020 13:17

Absolutely ask! You could phrase it as "I'd love to take X to the zoo, I think tickets cost around £x, so it would be £xx for all of us, is that OK?" If he doesn't catch on and just says yes, just ask for his card when you book the tickets!

netflixismysidehustle · 10/08/2020 13:17

Yanbu

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 13:20

If you're struggling for money, why not advertise your services as a babysitter with experience of older children? Then you could look after someone else's kids and not only be paid the going rate (£9-10 per hour where I am), but also expenses and food as well.

Then tell DH you won't be available to look after DSC.

This whole situation is ludicrous. You're hard up, yet providing £££ of free childcare a week to people with lots of money.

timeisnotaline · 10/08/2020 13:20

Hmm so he doesn’t bother to do anything with them himself because it’s not his thing? If the topic of soft play comes up does he ask in a blank tone why so many Mums adore soft play venues? Does he ever think what would really make my children have a great time? I’ve been googling climbing frames today. Bloody expensive and I certainly won’t be out there spider crawling my way across the top. It’s not something I want in any way, it’s something for my kids. So is a trip to the zoo...

SunshineCake · 10/08/2020 13:21

What do you think he will say when you tell him the kids have coped really well but now is the time for some fun days out before they go back to school. Please transfer £200 to cover everything. I will let you know when I need more for your children..

InTheWings · 10/08/2020 13:23

OMG!

For goodness sake - is there no joint account you can just take the money from? This is ridiculous. Don't ask, just tell him what you need.

"I am short of money now I am furloughed, I need access to £XXXX for the extra food, petrol, shopping and activities for the kids"

One tiny bit of dissent and I would be telling him to do his own childcare..

SaltyAndFresh · 10/08/2020 13:25

I think you're being a doormat OP. Why are you providing free childcare to a man who barely shares his earnings with you?

WeAllHaveWings · 10/08/2020 13:27

This just confirms my opinion split finances for a married couple with children is ridiculous.

How can people love and trust each other enough to share a home, body fluids, genes, but not money?

MoreListeningLessChatting · 10/08/2020 13:27

The fact that your 'd' partner doesn't offer and he is doing quite well financially and you are furloughed says a lot really.....

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 10/08/2020 13:28

Your DH (and he is dear as he is costing you a tidy sum) and his ex are really financially abusing you and abusing your good nature. Personally, as well as asking for money to cover days out and your time (and backdated) I would be insisting they start looking after their own kids a few days a week, so that you at least have some child-free days yourself each week.

I really don't like people that use and abuse others with no acknowledgement or thanks for the huge favour you have been doing the parents of these children.

NoSquirrels · 10/08/2020 13:28

It doesn't really matter AT ALL that it's "not something he would choose to do" with the DC, if he is not the one looking after the DC.

If he needs you to look after them, you are in charge of the itinerary, and you choose what happens, and he pays for HIS CHILDREN'S EXPENSES.

I mean, of course if you were going to really expensive places every single day, eating out all meals and then getting takeaways etc and spending lots in the gifts shops and so on that would be an issue - but a couple of daytrips a week if you're not on holiday at all this summer is nothing unreasonable and you 100% shouldn't be spending your disposable income on his children if you keep separate finances.

I hope he is just thoughtless and not tight/mean/horrible.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2020 13:35

he doesn't really spend money on this sort of thing usually and doesn't prioritise stuff like that. And he won't, because he has you and his ex to pay for such stuff.

Come on! He doesn't know the kids need entertaining, things to do. He just chooses not to get involved! Which is even easier for him with separate finances!

Why are you feeling even vaguely uneasy about asking him?

Letseatgrandma · 10/08/2020 13:38

@WeAllHaveWings

This just confirms my opinion split finances for a married couple with children is ridiculous.

How can people love and trust each other enough to share a home, body fluids, genes, but not money?

Especially when the children are his and not hers!
QueSera · 10/08/2020 13:40

I can't believe you need to ask Mumsnet if you should ask your own husband to give you money to take his own kids out, since you're the one looking after them.

This. Further, I can't believe you are even in this situation - that your 'D'H doesn't offer you money, keeps his money to himself, while you spend your own time taking his kids out and you have to spend your own money on them.
Before I found MN, I had no idea there were so many horrible, horrible, vile, selfish men out there. This is very educational. Honestly, your relationship sounds awful, sorry OP, he doesn't seem to respect you or care about you in the slightest.