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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start asking DH for money if he wants me to look after DSC through holidays?

124 replies

BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:12

Just to clarify, I don't mean money for looking after them, like a babysitter. I mean money to do things with them.

I am currently furloughed and have been happy to have my DSC throughout whilst their parents work however, I am getting incredibly bored as are the kids and I don't have a huge amount of money to do anything with them.

We don't have joint finances, we just split bills and pay some out of each our bank accounts and he will send me money for shopping etc...

However, now I'm furloughed, I don't have a huge amount of disposable income whereas DH has been unaffected (is self employed) and is actually doing really well despite Covid and could afford to give me some money to do things with them.

I want to start asking him to give me some money so I can take the kids places a couple of times through the holidays so we aren't all sitting in with nothing to do.

I've been getting them out on walks and picnics etc... But even then, I'm the one paying for all the picnic food, petrol etc.. and I'd like to actually take them to do some bigger activities/different places every now and then.

OP posts:
Wishforsnow · 10/08/2020 14:51

Does the mother to the kids need to send them to yours as if their father isn't doing anything with them is there a point to them coming over for you to babysit. I can't believe when he has to parent his own kids you are impressed he does it without complaint! You are being a mug and why can't you just raise this with him?

Branleuse · 10/08/2020 14:52

I think you should be more pissed off about the fact he hasnt even offered.
Hes expecting you to do everything and he hasnt even offered any extra time or money and youre now at the point of feeling bored and awkward, whilst being his unpaid nanny

minimagician · 10/08/2020 14:52

Gosh OP. I think you're a super nice person. Selfless. There comes a point though where you have to watch out because people take advantage, even if it's not planned. They just kind of expect and you just kind of don't mind.

But that doesn't make it ok.

Yes, you should be reimbursed at the least and definitely given money in advance, that you do not need to show him details of how it's spent on his kids.

For a trip to the aquarium add in eating out and some ice creams - I'm guessing it's not him making packed lunches for your tips to the park, not cleaning up after they're made and likely not any lunch box if you've used that rather than fling film/foil.

You're being so kind and he's not being kind back. If he was you never have to approach him for money for looking after his kids!

Wishforsnow · 10/08/2020 14:52

Flyshemust - why would the ex chip in it is in the fathers contact time?

billy1966 · 10/08/2020 14:53

Unbelievable....

So you are on less money but still sharing bills.

He is on MORE and doing well.

YOU have become fulltime childminder so are infact working unpaid.

He gives YOU zero to spend on HIS children.

You are asking MN should you ask for some money to treat his children.

OP, have you really NO idea how mean a man he must be.

How much you are saving these parents.

Believe me, both of them are laughing at the MUG he married.

Will be interesting how your marriage pans out when the children no longer require a minder/skivvy.

Have some respect for yourself.

You deserve so much better that him and this.Flowers

Anordinarymum · 10/08/2020 14:54

It reads to me OP like you are an unpaid nanny. Don't ask him for anything - if you are good enough to look afte his children then he should automatically be stumping up without you having to ask

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 14:54

why would the ex chip in it is in the fathers contact time?

The impression I have, which the OP will no doubt correct if I'm wrong, is that she's been looking after the kids during what would normally be DSC's mum's time as well. So not only should the mum be paying their expenses during that time, she should also be paying the OP for babysitting (or at least getting her some very nice presents to show her appreciation!).

FFSFFSFFS · 10/08/2020 14:55

to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint

They're his kids????

Fletchings · 10/08/2020 14:55

so you are looking after someone else's DC extensively, the parents even haven't thought of offering something and you ponder if it would be unreasonable to ask DH for some money to entertain his DC so he can carry on working without a worry.

Sorry OP, but you are a mug!

Emeraldshamrock · 10/08/2020 14:58

You shouldn't have to ask your miserable DH for money to provide entertainment for his DC.
How has he got away with this, and the DM considering you're helping them with childcare.

FlySheMust · 10/08/2020 15:01

@Wishforsnow

Flyshemust - why would the ex chip in it is in the fathers contact time?
Because it isn't all in his contact time. She's looking after them for the ex as well. Obviously.

So the ex should chip in as well. Seems only fair. Or have them herself, perhaps.

Corneliusmurphy · 10/08/2020 15:02

Wow anyone looking after my children gets wine and flowers, money if they need anything and the fridge would be well stocked... i am also massively grateful and that’s mostly just for the odd day or night no long term.
It’s nice you’re happy to help but you deserve better and he needs to know this and act accordingly.

Poppinjay · 10/08/2020 15:02

He should have offered to cover your expenses and given you extra to top up your earnings to 100% on the days you've been looking after his children.

You should not be in the position of needing to ask, never mind asking if it would be OK.

Your DH is a CF at best. What are the dynamics of your relationship like otherwise?

Pittapitta · 10/08/2020 15:03

You’re married you should have joking finances, it’s not fair that he has a better quality of life than you and expects you to pay for his children.

Pittapitta · 10/08/2020 15:03

Joint* not joking

Howyiz · 10/08/2020 15:05

to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint
Confused is there any reason why your bar is set so low that a man who doesn't complain about having his children for a while is a catch?
Your partner and his ex are cheeky fuckers and as others have pointed out you are just going ahead with it no doubt thinking that they really value you because your are SO GOOD to them but in reality the fact that neither have thought to compensate you for your time or give you money foe expenses shows that they actually don't give a fuck about you never mind appreciate you!

Heartlake · 10/08/2020 15:20

Goodness me I can't believe you're even having to ask this.

You need to have a conversation about this and roughly the sort of stuff you'll spend things on

e.g. say two big days out over the holidays (e.g. theme park, zoo etc.), and then other things e.g. park, cinema, beach. Agree about what you will roughly spend e.g. will you take a picnic? Will you buy stuff in gift shops? Will you buy ice creams or make them wait to have something at home?

And then TELL him you need access to the cash to put fuel in your car and pay for all of this, no penny-pinching, no reimbursing or whatever. Say you want him to put a few hundred in your account and when you're getting near the end of it tell him that he can transfer some more.

It's up to him and the children's DM how they split the cost after that.

AND he should be looking after you if not even spoiling you for being such a lovely person and doing such a wonderful job with his DCs.

Ellisandra · 10/08/2020 15:26

This is a fucked up “relationship” that you feel you have to ask on here. How sad for you 😕

funinthesun19 · 10/08/2020 15:33

Yanbu. But he should have offered in the first place and you shouldn’t have to ask.

You looking after them shouldn’t come at a major financial cost to you. You’re already giving up your time to look after them and that’s a big ask in itself!

MumsyMumIAmNot · 10/08/2020 15:36

Can't believe you've been playing the child minding role and he hasn't even given you money for food for them or petrol money. Changing my vote to YABU for you putting up with it.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 10/08/2020 15:38

You are being taken advantage of big time.

Winterwoollies · 10/08/2020 15:39

So you are paying for the privilege of looking after your step children?! Hell no.

MeridianB · 10/08/2020 15:47

How old are they and how long are they with you/DP for?

LannieDuck · 10/08/2020 16:02

Yes, absolutely your DH should give you some cash to keep the kids entertained. Anything to make the babysitting job a little easier!

We had a Nanny for a week last summer holiday and we gave her some cash at the start of the week, suggesting she let us know if it ran out and we'd give her some more. The kids had a great time working out what they wanted to do each day.

AngryPrincess · 10/08/2020 16:09

Even when I worked as a childminder, the Mum I worked for would leave some money for exactly this sort of thing, or just a taxi.