To start asking DH for money if he wants me to look after DSC through holidays?

[BoredBoredBoreddd]

Just to clarify, I don't mean money for looking after them, like a babysitter. I mean money to do things with them.

I am currently furloughed and have been happy to have my DSC throughout whilst their parents work however, I am getting incredibly bored as are the kids and I don't have a huge amount of money to do anything with them.

We don't have joint finances, we just split bills and pay some out of each our bank accounts and he will send me money for shopping etc...

However, now I'm furloughed, I don't have a huge amount of disposable income whereas DH has been unaffected (is self employed) and is actually doing really well despite Covid and could afford to give me some money to do things with them.

I want to start asking him to give me some money so I can take the kids places a couple of times through the holidays so we aren't all sitting in with nothing to do.

I've been getting them out on walks and picnics etc... But even then, I'm the one paying for all the picnic food, petrol etc.. and I'd like to actually take them to do some bigger activities/different places every now and then.

Pretty shitty of both parents to use you like like this
Not only are you providing them with free childcare you're paying for the privilege

I'm happy to have them I'm not doing anything else and to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint.

Hang on, why is he getting praise for looking after his D.C. occasionally without complaint

Please give your head a wobble.

You are being very very kind, almost unreasonably so, in providing full time child care for him in the holidays.

Please, just for fun (and as a gentle boost for your self esteem, which may have taken a knock from being furloughed ) work out what day care would be costing him, to give yourself an idea of how much he would be paying out.

Then, ask him for a percentage of that amount. He would not have a leg to stand on, if he tried to refuse you.

It would also help you to get in touch with the fact that he is, even if only unconsciously, taking advantage of your good nature, in providing all this child care for free.

Why hadn't he already considered that he should not be leaving you to pay for picnics on top of everything providing free childcare.

All very well to be lovely and kind and do this for him. It's good to make sure people don't take you for granted. You are taking yourself for granted and allowing him to do the same.

Having read the rest of the thread, I'm now asking you whether the household chores are split evenly between you, or do you do everything if most of them because he is working

Especially if you do not share finances, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position, looking after his children so he can work and not care that you are out of pocket as a result.

Please think about yourself and how your future is going to look. Do you trust a man who does not share finances with you, who lets you look after his children and pay for their picnics .... to respect your contribution

All the very best.

He's taking you for a fool. OP.

So he gets to work and keep most of his earnings, the mother of the children does the same. Yet you who are not the parent is out of work and expected to spend all day caring for and paying for their children?

Definitely ask for a set amount, no way should you have to justify every single expense. And I would use it to pay for their food. Obviously your entries / food when out should be included as well.

I have a step son and DH and I have separate finances for a number of reasons. He is always scrupulous about giving me money for anything related to DSS, whether I want money from him or not. Absolutely ask him.

To be fair to DH, he has taken them on the odd days....without complaint

But why on earth should he complain about looking after his own children?
Has he brainwashed you into believing that everything is your responsibility? Does he expect you to be grateful for any free time to yourself away from caring for his children?

If you were my daughter, I'd be seriously worried that you were being oppressed in this relationship. Take care of yourself OP because it seems as if no one else is taking care of you.

What everyone else said. Including that it's bad he hasn't offered already.

Ask for a credit card on one of his accounts that you can use in anyway you see fit to entertain his children.Does he do anything with them on their own?

Sorry OP but it sounds like you are being taken advantage of here. You are looking after other peoples kids for free!? I would nip this free babysitting arrangement in the bud ASAP before things get worse.

Oh op. I hope you're taking on board what's being said here. You are being taken advantage of. You sound like a lovely step mum.

to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint. *
*
That's very kind of him considering that they are his kids and you're doing him a huge favour. Have he or his ex partner said thank you for everything you're doing?

As others have said, if he's earning more and you're earning less, then the amount you pay towards bills should shift proportionately. I'm guessing his kids being at your home add a fairly large amount to electricity and food bills - his contribution should factor that in.

So @BoredBoredBoreddd have you asked him yet? How did it go?

Wow you are to nice op, I would do the odd day but no way would I be lumbered with someone else’s children weeks on end. How cheeky of them not to leave you any money at all 😮 my husband and I would never do this, even when family have offered to take our children out we have always offered to contribute. Some people are unbelievable.

Hello! Sorry to disappear yesterday I didn't get much chance to come on as was out for lunch and then painting the living room.

Had a chat with DH, and he was just like 'yeah absolutely' as soon as I asked. So yeah I think maybe he could have offered straight up like some PPs said but it wasn't a problem. I took the kids out for lunch yesterday which he sent me the money for.

I am such a timid person by nature, I hate it! It's always been a problem for me. I worry about things a lot, whether I'm being reasonable etc... It's a pain in the arse and people have pulled me up on it before because I overthink simple situations and I really struggle to stand up for myself.

Just to answer a couple of questions, he has been sending me money since I've been furloughed to cover a few bills and bits of shopping which I would usually cover if I was working full time. I'm not struggling to pay anything and I know if I were, he would sort it. Even if I was on my FT wage though, I wouldn't have a huge amount left to do days out in the week with the kids (it's bloody expensive some of these places!), I've never had to do this type of thing before really as I've always worked during the summer hols or we've been on holiday. DH usually pays if we do anything on the weekend although as mentioned, this usually isn't anything big as he prefers walking/trips to the beach rather than 'days out'.

Anyway, I'm out today with the kids as the weather turned out nicer than planned, currently sat at a picnic bench enjoying the sun whilst the kids play on the playground at a little petting zoo place we found.

I just told DH kids want to go to X today, it's this much, can you send me the money. And he sent it and thanked me for taking them out and looking after them and asked for some pictures.

I think he's guilty of taking it for granted a bit and just hadn't really thought about it. He isn't a terrible husband, but he does need a nudge sometimes.

Re the joint finances, this is something we are meaning to do. We've not been married for very long (less than a year) so we just haven't got round to it yet and I didn't want to do it until we were married and had our house (we've been together a number of years before marriage). It is something we need to sort though definitely, especially seen as the divide between our salaries is getting larger as his business does better and better. It did actually used to be me that earned the most but that has changed now and he continues to do better as it grows so yes we need to look at that.

Re the ex, she is lovely and has thanked me numerous times by text or at pick up/drop off. She doesn't always work a full week, sometimes she has a Friday or a Monday off, so when she's home she obviously has the kids back.

well, sounds like a good outcome. I'd suggest you just get him to send you a set amount at beginning of the week or whatever, but if it's working, that's good.

His ex SHOULD be paying too but I understand you don't really want to go there.

His ex SHOULD be paying too but I understand you don't really want to go there

Yeah, I mean I obviously don't know for sure and I wouldn't like to assume anything about her finances but I would say that DH probably does earn quite a bit more so I don't think he'd bother asking her. That's obviously between them two though, I'd definitely not ask!

I'm glad it's sorted OP and he's not the total arse he first appeared. I think you do need to sort out the finances and your confidence. He's your husband - what's his is yours. Best way to get used to it is to set up joint accounts and start spending

God yes, I really do need to sort the confidence thing. I sound like a teenager don't I, I am a grown woman I swear. It's always been an issue though, I do get quite bad anxiety and it has centred around what other people think of me in the past.

It is a bit daft though worrying about my own husband isn't it 😂 he isn't a monster, he's just doesn't use his brain sometimes

Best way to get used to it is to set up joint accounts and start spending wink

Well if this weather continues I could do with a new summer wardrobe....!

Well, it's sorted out after a fashion, but you still have to ask and prompt him for money for his own children. He is still holding on tight to the purse strings and controlling you financially.

It would be far better if you had equal access with him to family money, it's called partnership.

Have you thought about doing an assertiveness course/programme, or as a start reading some books about boosting self confidence? Don't hide your light under a bushel OP!

It sounds like you sorted it out. It is a big issue however as to how many outings teenagers and younger children need to go on eg our parents took us to palces with no shop and no cost such as beach without any facilities at all or a country walk - no shops, nothing to spend other than petrol. I am not saying every outing only cost petrol when we had out "holidays at home" but a lot did and your other half has to decide what is reasonable - eg we certainly had a lot of days of just being in the house with TV and books or walking to the park ourselves rather than every day all summer being a day with an expensive outing.

I'm glad you spoke to him and he sorted it out quickly for you.
Well done.
Now you need to do more of that.

Have look into assertiveness courses on line and start to work on your confidence.

You sound lovely - too lovely though!!!
You do need some boundaries so start working on them.
This won't happen overnight but it's worth starting to look at yourself and what you put up with a bit more.

Completely reasonable to expect - can't believe he hasn't done so already - that's just weird & quite rude!!

He should be paying you for babysitting duties as well for his kids that you are looking after as well as all expenses for the day, don't waste your money on someone else's kids, you are all ready giving up your time for free to look after them for him.
He would be paying alot more to send them to a holiday club.
This also gives you insight to what he will be like as a dad should you ever have kids together.

Wow OP, you are being taken for a mug!
I would not look after someone elses kids for free like that even if it was my partner! He really saw you coming...
One day you will regret being such a doormat. He does not sound like he wants an equal partnership, he sounds very selfish to me. And you sound like someone way too nice, a pushover really. I mean this kindly but grow a pair!