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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To start asking DH for money if he wants me to look after DSC through holidays?

124 replies

BoredBoredBoreddd · 10/08/2020 12:12

Just to clarify, I don't mean money for looking after them, like a babysitter. I mean money to do things with them.

I am currently furloughed and have been happy to have my DSC throughout whilst their parents work however, I am getting incredibly bored as are the kids and I don't have a huge amount of money to do anything with them.

We don't have joint finances, we just split bills and pay some out of each our bank accounts and he will send me money for shopping etc...

However, now I'm furloughed, I don't have a huge amount of disposable income whereas DH has been unaffected (is self employed) and is actually doing really well despite Covid and could afford to give me some money to do things with them.

I want to start asking him to give me some money so I can take the kids places a couple of times through the holidays so we aren't all sitting in with nothing to do.

I've been getting them out on walks and picnics etc... But even then, I'm the one paying for all the picnic food, petrol etc.. and I'd like to actually take them to do some bigger activities/different places every now and then.

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 13:51

Before I found MN, I had no idea there were so many horrible, horrible, vile, selfish men out there

I knew about selfish men, from mine and family and friends experience, but the amount of women who don't SEE they are with selfish men - or choose to gloss over it astounded me.

unnervingrabble · 10/08/2020 13:51

I'm happy to have them I'm not doing anything else and to be fair to DH he has taken them on the odd day(s) I've had other plans without complaint.

Without complaint? I should hope so - they are HIS children. He should have childcare in place for them, so should their mother. You might look after them on the odd days that it they aren't in childcare and not have them most of the time with him doing the odd days.

Do they live with you all the time? Do you have your own children?

NotMyFinestMoment · 10/08/2020 13:52

He should cover the TOTAL cost of the expenditure for all of you when you take his kids out (not just share the costs or make a contribution). You are already providing full-time child care for his children which means you can't work even if you wanted to (such that he can). It's the bare minimum he should be doing.

UnfinishedSymphon · 10/08/2020 13:54

Are you still paying the same towards the bills and mortgage etc. now you're on furlough because you shouldn't be - it should be proportionate to your incomes

Tonp · 10/08/2020 13:56

YABU for being with a man like that, why do you have to ask him for money in the first place?

Starbuggy · 10/08/2020 14:06

Your DP and his ex are taking you for a total mug!

It’s great that you’ve helped them so much, while step parents aren’t obligated to provide childcare for DSC, since other childcare has been mostly unavailable for the last five months, it makes sense that a furloughed step parent helped out.

But that should not be at your own expense! Especially while he’s earning more than usual and you’re earning less! Split finances are fine, but what kind of serious life partner just sits on spare cash while their DP struggles financially? Most decent people would want to help their partner!

He needs to pay you back for the money you’ve spent and give you reasonable money to entertain them from now on.

Time40 · 10/08/2020 14:08

I knew about selfish men, from mine and family and friends experience, but the amount of women who don't SEE they are with selfish men - or choose to gloss over it astounded me

Yes indeed. MN's been a real education.

And I'm another one who thinks you're being taken for a mug, OP. You're doing your DH and his ex a massive favour and saving them a fortune ... the very least they can do is pay ALL your expenses.

Jaxhog · 10/08/2020 14:17

His kids - his costs! Why are you looking after them and not him (or their mother)?

You're doing him and his ex a big favour. If you were sharing your costs equally, I'd say suck it up. But you have separate money, so he should be paying for their costs e.g. food, petrol etc. And for entertainment.

At the moment you're a free babysitting service.

Jaxhog · 10/08/2020 14:18

PS. Give him a bill for all your costs so far!

uniglowooljumper · 10/08/2020 14:18

@MannymanMunroe

You could be doing a million other lovely things with your furloughed time than looking after somebody else's kids. You shouldn't have to ask for money. He should be offering it up without question, and showering you with gifts for looking after his children. The fact that he is not means you are being taken for granted. Don't be a mug.

This.

Another woman who allows herself to be used as Mary Poppins+ to some bloody man with kids and has standards so low she actually writes something like 'to be fair' to him that he doesn't complain when he parents his own kids. FFS.

What a deal he gets - nanny for his kids, skivvy at home and bedwarmer . . . for free!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 14:19

@Time40

I knew about selfish men, from mine and family and friends experience, but the amount of women who don't SEE they are with selfish men - or choose to gloss over it astounded me

Yes indeed. MN's been a real education.

And I'm another one who thinks you're being taken for a mug, OP. You're doing your DH and his ex a massive favour and saving them a fortune ... the very least they can do is pay ALL your expenses.

Idk where that quote came from. I, too, am flabbergasted at the amount of women, who seem to have drastically unfair financial set ups and agree with the consensus that you’re paying to look after your stepchildren. This situation needs to stop. You should be asking for backdated money and cash for the foreseeable.

Pinklynx · 10/08/2020 14:22

I knew about selfish men, from mine and family and friends experience, but the amount of women who don't SEE they are with selfish men - or choose to gloss over it astounded me

It may not be be the case with OP but it's generally because they've been brought up by at least one selfish parent who invariably puts their needs first. It therefore becomes the norm. Either neither parent prioritises the needs of the child so the child gets used to pleasing others and not asking for what they need or want or one parent defers to the other so that almost seems reasonable.

AldiAisleofCrap · 10/08/2020 14:24

Another example of why it’s nonsensical not to have equal access to money.

BlingLoving · 10/08/2020 14:25

Just chiming in to agree with everyone else. It's astonishing that this is even an issue.

Also, it's kind of sad that with schools having been closed for months, now the summer holidays, it hasn't occurred to your DH that actually, it might be nice for the kids to do something besides the odd picnic in the park or staying at home all day? I mean, fgs, you don't have to be parent of the year to know that endless months of very limited activity are boring and not particularly helpful for a child's development? FFS.

As a PP said, most nannies would have an agreed amount for weekly activities or, at the very least, nanny would suggest certain activities with costs and parents would agree and provide the cash (with receipts if necessary). With our nanny, she was conscious that money wasn't exactly free flowing on top of the expense of hiring her so she tended to find reasonably priced activities rather than suggesting bigger things that I knew she'd done with previous families. eg she took DD on the bus (at the time, the BIGGEST TREAT EVER) for DD to a local town for an easter fair and they had ice cream, face painting and a few rides. With a previous family on the other hand, they'd spent a day at legoland....

DishingOutDone · 10/08/2020 14:28

I think it shows how skewed your thinking is that you have to ask.

Assume you live together, how long have you been his au pair?!

netflixismysidehustle · 10/08/2020 14:30

^^ This

I budget extra food and entertainment for my kids during school holidays as I'm sure many do. We lived in London so there was lots to do for free but transport, ice creams, food cost money.

Phineyj · 10/08/2020 14:33

We have just started employing a nanny for after school. She needs a budget for e.g. the odd drink or ice cream after school. I'm going to get her a Pockit debit card.

There are solutions like that that would save the degrading situation of having to run everything past him however probably worth thinking about why you are even having to do this!

Elsiebear90 · 10/08/2020 14:34

You’re being taken for absolute mug here OP and it’s scary that you’ve even had to ask whether it’s unreasonable to ask a man who doesn’t give you any of his money despite you being furloughed and looking after his kids full time to pay for some activities for his kids to do over the summer holidays. It really makes me wonder how else you’re being taken advantage of as your perception is massively skewed. Can you not see they’re both taking this piss out of you? You’re saving them thousands of pounds a month and are getting nothing in return. You’re basically his free nanny who he gets to shag. What are you getting out of this situation?

FinnyStory · 10/08/2020 14:36

I really can't imagine a world where you wouldn't just have that conversation with him.

Silentplikebath · 10/08/2020 14:38

You are married. Why don’t you have access to your DH’s money? Unless you have a history of addiction or reckless spending you shouldn’t even have to ask him for cash.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2020 14:39

The money isn't shared when times are hard but the shitwork is.

And he may not value days out but has he ever looked after the children solo for months on end?

Reluctantcavedweller · 10/08/2020 14:42

Maybe he's just being inconsiderate this one time, but can I ask who normally cares for the children when you have them and whether you regularly have to pay for things for them that should be the responsibility of their parents?

Also, who does most of the drudgery housework around the home?

There is a particular type of man who, having managed to alienate his first drudge wife, looks round for another to replace her because he can't be arsed doing his own washing and cooking and parenting his own children. From what you've said, your DH doesn't sound quite as bad as this yet but I'd keep an eye on things.

uniglowooljumper · 10/08/2020 14:43

@FinnyStory

I really can't imagine a world where you wouldn't just have that conversation with him.

I can't imaging a world where someone is such a shit parent and so tight and selfish he doesn't think his kids whom his wife is babysitting for free might enjoy something other than a fucking sandwich in a park and offer to pay for more activities, much less the rest of it, no conversation needed other than, 'Oh, transferred some cash to you'.

Or expected his wife to look after his bloody kids full time gratis. Or a world in which a woman writes that there's a need to be 'fair' to a man who doesn't complain about parenting his kids for the 'odd' day.

uniglowooljumper · 10/08/2020 14:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

The money isn't shared when times are hard but the shitwork is.

And he may not value days out but has he ever looked after the children solo for months on end?

Very salient point there. Even more so, the money isn't shared when times are hard but you take on 100% of the shitwork to enable him to have no change in his life, for his kids.

FlySheMust · 10/08/2020 14:46

Maybe his ex could chip in as well.

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