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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I ask to speak to child services behind my partner's back?

235 replies

Worriedandconcerned34 · 10/08/2020 09:46

Hi,
Posting here for traffic and also because I am hoping for some genuine advice. This could well turn out to be an essay, so please forgive me.

I have strong suspicions that my partner's children (who live with his ex-wife) are being abused emotionally by their mother's partner. I don't believe they are being harmed physically but I don't know how long this will remain the case. We see these children 50% of the time, so on a regular basis throughout the week.

My partner knows about it and we have contacted child services numerous times in the past year. There is a case-worker assigned but we haven't heard from them since June and it appears as though they have closed the case. I worry that they have closed the case as the children are fed, clean, clothed - they are not being neglected. My partner is now reluctant to rock the boat any further as one of the children involved is not biologically his but he has always classed them as his own. But he has been threatened by the ex-wife that he will not get to see this child if he continues to (in her words) "try and ruin her life". So he is seemingly content to let things play out.

The signs of emotional abuse that we have been made aware of:
Ex-wife's partner has called the children names like "Dick". He has called the children fat and told them they are "mental". He has insisted they call him Daddy. He has threatened to abduct one of the children. He has been arrested for common assault against one of the children but the charges were dropped. He has taken videos on his phone of the children crying and he appears to be all nice on camera asking them why they are so upset and afraid of him. He has pinned their mum up against the wall. There have been at least 3 occasions the police have been called in the last 4 months by neighbours due to the shouting and this man has damaged the property and kicked holes in the doors. He has broken/barged his way into the house and shouted at the children whilst they were on factime with their friends and apparently their friends were all crying watching what was going on. This has all happened whilst the children have been at the property. There are two children involved here, one is my partner's daughter and is 9 years old. The other girl (not my partner's) is 13. The older child has been posting alarming social media videos saying she wants to die and has been self-harming. When approached about this the ex-wife says that the children are making a big fuss over nothing. I appreciate that a lot of what the children say (which I haven't posted here) sounds like normal children rebelling against authority - things like not wanting to go out and exercise, not wanting to play a game with each other, fighting and bickering but I am tearing my hair out trying to think of what else I can do to help these kids. If my partner is not willing to try again, what can I do? Should I contact the social worker again?

I should add that the ex-wife has promised over and over again to my partner that this man is gone for good. But then she takes him back again within two weeks. This has happened on three occasions throughout lockdown. Nothing changes.

I am a little bit lost as I tried so hard to get this man removed from the children's house but I am only a partner to their father. I have no say in what happens. Should I get involved again? I know that if I ask my partner if he wants to take anything further then he will say no, based on what kicked off last time. But these children are being systematically abused and failed by everyone in their lives, or so it seems to me. I don't think I can just sit back and watch. I have told my partner every time that I have spoken to the case worker or NSPCC, or whoever else I have tried to get some help from. But this time I know he won't want me to disturb the semi-peace that is happening now.

What should I do, Mumsnet? :(

OP posts:

FrootTheLoot · 11/08/2020 08:56

I can't understand it either @Notcoolmum.

I'm just trying to imagine what my husband would do if his exes partner had been arrested for common assault against his child.

I can tell you for certain that they wouldn't be going back to that house until it was sorted at the very least.

All of this 'I don't want any drama', 'he doesn't want to rock the boat', is such a cop out. He needs to do what is right by his kids.

He needs to rock the bloody boat until it fucking capsizes and his kids are safe. No amount of drama with an ex is worth doing nothing to protect your children.

Arrivederla · 11/08/2020 09:19

Slightly different perspective. I am a pastoral care manager in a secondary school and we frequently see this kind of thing where social services have closed a case because of lack of engagement from the family. Unfortunately they often don't have the time or manpower to pursue cases when there is lack of engagement.

You definitely need to recontact social services. Keep on expressing your concerns and also keep contacting the schools. Again, pastoral teams will be inundated but if you keep contacting and adding evidence you will be moving this up the list, so to speak. Make sure you copy in the DSL (name will be on the school's website) pastoral managers and maybe also the head of year and tutor.

It's not that ss and schools don't care, it's unfortunately the case that everyone is so inundated with cases that it's hard to give equal attention to everyone... if the mother is telling everyone that the dp has moved out ss will probably be only too happy to accept that so that they can move on to the next awful case.

Every time you refer or contact ss and the school you are building up more evidence. Keep going - you are doing the right thing.

Arrivederla · 11/08/2020 09:21

Should add that the school may not be able to discuss this with you if you don't have parental responsibility. You can keep alerting them to your concerns though and they can discuss with your dp.

Notcoolmum · 11/08/2020 09:41

These aren't a neighbours children when the only thing you can do is express concern. One of the children is your partners and you have 50:50 care of both? You are in a position to keep the children with you and make a real difference. You can't influence the mum's dating life. And the fact she has left her children once before for years indicates the children aren't her priority.

I'd be talking to my partner about keeping them after the next contact visit. If you are as concerned for their welfare as you say I can't see how you can return them to that environment. But I'm baffled why their dad isn't fighting for them. Isn't causing a fuss. Isn't putting the welfare of his children (as you say he considers the eldest his).

TheSoapyFrog · 11/08/2020 09:55

Don't bother talking to your husband. Don't bother asking him to talk to his ex. That's all been done. Go straight to SS. The welfare of these children is paramount. Your husband needs an urgent spine transplant too. His ex can't stop him from seeing his child. He can go to court and fight for her.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 11/08/2020 10:40

I was that child OP. I only wish I'd had someone in my life to care enough about me to try and help. Trust your instincts. X

differentnameforthis · 11/08/2020 11:45

OP, despite all those telling you that you should let abused children continue to be abused, ask yourself this

"if something terrible happens to either of them, or their mum, can I live with that on my conscious?"

because

he will escalate. Especially in the aftermath of government involvement
the oldest is self harming in an attempt to escape her reality
they are repeatedly disclosing to YOU, and adult they TRUST because the NEED HELP

I would rather lose a partner than watch kids being abused. As for those on here accusing op of snitching... have a word with yourself!! This is EXACTLY how children end up dead at the hands of parents and/or their parent's partners, because NO ONE gives a shit.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/08/2020 18:32

OP this is so heartbreaking
The responses here are really bloody strange
I think you need to sit your partner down and tell him in NO uncertain terms that this is fucked up
He sounds like a very weak man actually as what you state is so alarming
I’d keep a diary and a log too

If you can’t persuade him and you go behind his back again what are the worst case consequences

You sound great and them having you around 50% is a good thing

Original poster

Worriedandconcerned34 · 04/01/2021 13:41

Hi,

I know I'm resurrecting a zombie (?) thread here, but I wanted to just give an update on this situation since so many kind people replied and wished well for the children.

So I did speak to social services with my partner's knowledge. Nothing changed until beginning of October when social services spoke to my partner to say that they were having a call with the school, my partner, the ex-wife, the police, a medical professional to discuss some alarming information that the girl had told her teacher Suffice to say it has meant that this man is banned from coming near the house or the children, or contacting them . They are on a protection plan now.
I'm so glad that this has happened, they have been much happier, both at school and at our house as a result. Their mother continues to see this man when the girls are at our house.... this has caused a massive row between her and the eldest daughter in particular I'm not sure how their relationship will ever recover if I'm honest. But that's her choice.
Anyway, things are looking up at least. We're not out of the woods yet but we are on the way there. And all the things I mentioned in the original thread were verified by police/social/schools - it was good to know I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill! I'm glad I spoke to the social worker - this obviously did not go down well with the mother but I don't care :) We had the girls all over Christmas which was lovely as it was our little boys first Christmas as well, so despite the Christmas lockdown being a bit disappointing, we had a lovely day.

Thanks again :)

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 04/01/2021 13:59

@Worriedandconcerned34

Hi,

I know I'm resurrecting a zombie (?) thread here, but I wanted to just give an update on this situation since so many kind people replied and wished well for the children.

Thanks again :)

I’m so glad you spoke out. I was staggered at the responses you got accusing you of snitching, saying to mind your own business and to leave them alone.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 04/01/2021 14:01

My friends step kids school, my mates husband, neighboyrs and relatives on the mums side had all reported the mum and her bf to SS the kids had even told teachers they were scared to go home and didnt sleep as they were scared of step sad. One of them was covered in bruises. Nothing was done. SS said they were fed and went to school most days so were fine and they would help mum cope better and send her on a parenting course. My mates husband went and got them and they havent been back. The mum never tried to get them back. SS were useless.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 04/01/2021 14:02

Glad they are ok OP x

BloggersBlog · 04/01/2021 14:05

Thanks for the update - great to know things are so much better for them.

And your friends experience too @LoveMyKidsAndCats, great the kids are safe

petrolsoakedpaperandfireworks · 04/01/2021 14:18

well done. Brilliant update.

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2021 14:19

Well done OP. I really like an update like this. I know it’s a long road for you but the children having you is a massive positive in their lives.

grannyinapram · 04/01/2021 14:24

The same thing happened to me, my relative was being severely abused and I reported it several times. My concerns were apparently malicious reporting.
It wasn't taken seriously until the child's mother was taken kicking and screaming by police.
The children are back there now and I can't do anything more than be there for when they can ask for help themselves. The same is true with you and their dad, just be there, encourage them to open up to you and keep their relationship with you good, close and true. Just be there. Soci services, quite honestly, don't have the resources to care. If the children are fed and clothed then that is good enough for them.

Perhaps give the 9yo a mobile to be able to call you if they need to? That is the only practical thing I can think of.

I am so sorry that your family are going though this but I can see why the mother would bring the step dad back, nobody wants to be alone and it sounds as of she is under his thumb as much as the children are. Don't worry about 'switching' you aren't a snitch or a grass. and shame on the posters taking down a woman who is advocating for children, even at the detriment of her own relationship.

DevonTF · 04/01/2021 14:25

New to Mumsnet - and totally gobsmacked at some of the replies !!

Please please keep 'pushing it'. You need to do everything you can - how would you feel if something awful happened ?

grannyinapram · 04/01/2021 14:25

oh I didn't realise it was a zimbie thread lol
well done and happy new year!

BloggersBlog · 04/01/2021 14:32

and shame on the posters taking down a woman who is advocating for children, even at the detriment of her own relationship

This ^^ Zombie thread or not, the ones that posted originally, especially on page 1 should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves

FeedMeSantiago · 04/01/2021 14:42

Thanks for updating OP, I'm so glad that things have improved for the two girls.

Shame on their mother for continuing to see this man whilst the girls are with you after he has been banned from contacting her daughters.

BlueSuffragette · 04/01/2021 14:47

Well done OP. Shame on the mother for continuing a relationship with somebody who abused her children. Sounds like you had a lovely Christmas. Best wishes to you all for the new year.

AnotherDelphinium · 04/01/2021 14:49

Wow. Didn’t see this thread previously and shocked at some of the page 1 responses!

@ChockyBicky, @JuniperFather, @availablename and others, I really hope you get the chance to read the update and have a good hard look at your responses! You would happily have left these two young ladies to be abused, and whatever else was going on behind closed doors?

@FrootTheLoot and @Lockheart, thank you for much for encouraging the OP to not be deterred. I hate to think of the consequences if you haven’t given her encouragement!

Rainbowandscarlett · 04/01/2021 15:06

I could have written this myself-only it’s mum that’s abusive and controlling to the kids-it’s like she hit her toddler years-and never grew up
I’m sick of trying to get hold of ss and I’m even sicker of hearing ‘nothing can or will be done’
I’ve tried,dads tried,grandparents have tried and the school has raised concerns but nothing happens
She did have a family worker at one point but because she didn’t do what mum wanted then mum told her to leave-so she did and nothing happened after that-we tried to speak to her but she simply never answered her phone/got back to us
I won’t give up as the kids are being emotionally abused and also have been in hospital due to mum (pushed one child down the stairs,has hit child with a hairbrush,lashes out for no reason and much more-ss are aware but as they are clean and fed they don’t care)
I get how worried you are and how frustrating it is-it’s like some families have a force field round them so ss don’t want to know
I won’t give up-children need a voice and adults must speak up for them

Joeblack066 · 04/01/2021 15:07

@Lockheart

Good grief.

Man is physically violent and OP is "snitching" and "putting the family through the mill" and should mind her own business.

I agree there is probably little you can do OP, at least not until he puts their mother in hospital or himself in a police cell, but it is a desperately sad situation.

I would prioritise being there for the children for the time being. If there is evidence of further abuse then call the police / social services as appropriate.

Agree with this. The odds are stacked against these poor kids and their Mum. When you are with the children, make sure they know that you are their safe space; that they can come to you at any time. This will be damaging them for the future. But knowing that you’re doing what you can will help them.

redastherose · 04/01/2021 15:27

Thanks for the update OP, glad to hear that things have improved for the DC involved and your persistence paid off.

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