Should I ask to speak to child services behind my partner's back?

[Worriedandconcerned34]

Hi,
Posting here for traffic and also because I am hoping for some genuine advice. This could well turn out to be an essay, so please forgive me.

I have strong suspicions that my partner's children (who live with his ex-wife) are being abused emotionally by their mother's partner. I don't believe they are being harmed physically but I don't know how long this will remain the case. We see these children 50% of the time, so on a regular basis throughout the week.

My partner knows about it and we have contacted child services numerous times in the past year. There is a case-worker assigned but we haven't heard from them since June and it appears as though they have closed the case. I worry that they have closed the case as the children are fed, clean, clothed - they are not being neglected. My partner is now reluctant to rock the boat any further as one of the children involved is not biologically his but he has always classed them as his own. But he has been threatened by the ex-wife that he will not get to see this child if he continues to (in her words) "try and ruin her life". So he is seemingly content to let things play out.

The signs of emotional abuse that we have been made aware of:
Ex-wife's partner has called the children names like "Dick". He has called the children fat and told them they are "mental". He has insisted they call him Daddy. He has threatened to abduct one of the children. He has been arrested for common assault against one of the children but the charges were dropped. He has taken videos on his phone of the children crying and he appears to be all nice on camera asking them why they are so upset and afraid of him. He has pinned their mum up against the wall. There have been at least 3 occasions the police have been called in the last 4 months by neighbours due to the shouting and this man has damaged the property and kicked holes in the doors. He has broken/barged his way into the house and shouted at the children whilst they were on factime with their friends and apparently their friends were all crying watching what was going on. This has all happened whilst the children have been at the property. There are two children involved here, one is my partner's daughter and is 9 years old. The other girl (not my partner's) is 13. The older child has been posting alarming social media videos saying she wants to die and has been self-harming. When approached about this the ex-wife says that the children are making a big fuss over nothing. I appreciate that a lot of what the children say (which I haven't posted here) sounds like normal children rebelling against authority - things like not wanting to go out and exercise, not wanting to play a game with each other, fighting and bickering but I am tearing my hair out trying to think of what else I can do to help these kids. If my partner is not willing to try again, what can I do? Should I contact the social worker again?

I should add that the ex-wife has promised over and over again to my partner that this man is gone for good. But then she takes him back again within two weeks. This has happened on three occasions throughout lockdown. Nothing changes.

I am a little bit lost as I tried so hard to get this man removed from the children's house but I am only a partner to their father. I have no say in what happens. Should I get involved again? I know that if I ask my partner if he wants to take anything further then he will say no, based on what kicked off last time. But these children are being systematically abused and failed by everyone in their lives, or so it seems to me. I don't think I can just sit back and watch. I have told my partner every time that I have spoken to the case worker or NSPCC, or whoever else I have tried to get some help from. But this time I know he won't want me to disturb the semi-peace that is happening now.

What should I do, Mumsnet? :(

You don't know anything, you said you just have suspicions, social workers will know as they will have dug around and looked into the facts and made their decision accordingly.

OP does have plenty of information. She has the social media posts, she has what the children are telling her and her partner, she knows that the police have been called, she knows that the mother has promised that the man in question won't be allowed back and she has taken him back. She knows that the children's grandmother is equally concerned, and she knows that their mother has admitted to much of the abuse.

You really don't have to have witnessed abuse personally to report it to the relevant authorities. People telling OP to keep out of this are incredibly irresponsible. Given that the case officer seems a bit useless, I'd suggest involving the NSPCC as well.

SS won’t do anything.

ignore those who say keep out if the dc grandmother is worried...
contact NSPCC or Barnardo's they may be more proactive & I think they tend to be more conscious of anonymising you
SS has been under severe pressure & they may have had difficulty in checking all the dc that need support (Corona again)
safety is the most important priority - if op hadn't been step mum would the answers be different?

Of the 4 adults involved in those children's lives, you seem to be the only adult who is actually trying to parent.

Every time a disclosure is made, at least log it as you are already but also mention it to the school,, and then phone the SW and log it there.

Every single time.

@Worriedandconcerned34 the missed visit is actually a very good thing. It gives you a legitimate reason to ring them,check what's going on, talk about rescheduling and during that conversation a lot of the time questions about new concerns will come up. Since you shouldn't lie, it will all get noted.

Try and get your partner on board at least for this small step, but if he still I don't see why you couldn't make the call yourself.

One thing about SS, in most cases you can't just stand back and wait for them to contact/update you. You need to keep at them.

I work closely with SS and they are severely stretched, even more so at the moment due to lockdown. Thresholds are very high. It’s easy for a case to go under the radar which is why I think OP should be reporting her concerns.

It could be classed as early help and be left for the schools to monitor/support, which is better than nothing.

I think, considering your partner doesn't have PR for the 13 year old, he's taking the only approach he can and you should support him with that. The only way he can help her is by staying in her life, continuing to have her to stay with her sister, nurturing their relationship as well

Or, he could actually apply for PR in respect of the 13 year old! He doesn't need to be a biological parent or even related to the child to be considered for PR. Given he has a lot of regular contact with the child and always has, plus she's a half sibling to his biological daughter, he would probably have a strong case, even without any mention of the safeguarding issues that so clearly exist.
Keep on keeping on OP. I'd be threatening to make an official complaint unless you get that social worker visit completed by the end of next week. You don't need to be rude, just very insistent that the visit happens pronto as you have additional concerns to raise.
For all you know, the social worker may have been told that the mother's relationship has finished. They need to know it hasn't, and of any recent additional concerns. Personally, I'd put it in writing, cc'd to the sw manager and the childrens' schools.

This thread shows everything that is wrong with the MN "a step mother's place is in the wrong " mantra.

Please read, and re-read Partysong's post below, because even when you know someone should have done something - the permanent lack of self worth keeps giving, and even when you think you've come to some level of peace, it all returns to destroy the other end of your life.

OP, I'm a psychologist working with adults who were abused or traumatised as children.

Very frequently the adults blame themselves for what happened to them as children, it's what keeps them stuck in a pattern of self-hatred, depression, self harm, damaging relationships. And SO often the thing they say to 'prove' to me that the abuse was their fault or 'wasn't that bad' was that the healthy adults in their life at the time KNEW what was happening and did nothing. "If it was that bad/not my fault, someone would have done something/helped me"

I can only assume those telling you it's 'snitching' or to stay out of it, or 'the family have proved themselves' while reading about the violent aggression, DV, instability, and boundary breaking of this man, must have sympathy with such behavior from men moving in on vulnerable children who come as a package with the woman whose table they want their knees under..
Assuming information in your OP to be accurate; it's obviously horrible for the children and that they aren't ok, and that should matter to all.
Don't stop caring about it please, and encourage your DP to step up.

The 13yr old has the worse position here as only the mother has decision making rights over her. I'd be gently encouraging her to know there are independent support networks available to her and talk to Young Minds about what she's posted on SM. They're well placed to understand lines between young people dramatizing for attention (which can be a cry for help in itself) and children feeling desperate. Below is info for young people from their website:

…young person looking for help and support

Text the YoungMinds Crisis Messenger, for free 24/7 support across the UK if you are experiencing a mental health crisis.

If you need urgent help text YM to 85258
All texts are answered by trained volunteers, with support from experienced clinical supervisors
Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus.

Thank you everyone for the great advice offered here.
I am conscious that there are a few posts from people who have been through something similar in their childhoods - this is eye-opening and excellent examples of the damage that could be caused by this - I will show these to DP. Thank you for sharing this about yourselves and I hope things have gotten a lot better for you all.

A lot of people are advising to speak to the safe-guarding officer at the school. I did this originally when the social media posts were discovered (there were about 50 videos/posts of concerning content) but they said they could only speak to me if a named contact on their file gave permission. So if DP agrees then I can speak to them (he did last time), but if he doesn't this time then I'm not sure I can speak to them. The NSPCC might be a good idea, although will they not just refer my information to the local child services? And I can imagine they will be annoyed that I have not contacted the case worker directly.

Some of the response you've received are shocking and disgusting . Sadly people hate 'second families' , dads new gf or whatever, so much that they will prioritise children being abused over 'sticking your nose in'. Ignore these idiots. Report any incidents or concerns factually everytime they happen. Eldest posts something about self harm on social media, you call SS, the school and the gp. No they do not have consent to talk to you but they can listen whilst you tell them information. The children tell you he has been violent or scared them, you pick up the phone and call ss and the school etc, log it again. Simply log it as a concern given that the children have had a caseworker. Your partner's attitude isn't helping and would be a real turn off to me. Oh and I work in ss.

You can speak to the school with or without DPs permission. They might not be able to have a dialogue with you, but they will listen to your concerns and act on them where needed. If your DP agrees, then they will be more open in their discussion with you, but it isn’t essential as long as you get the concerns over to them.

Continue to express your concerns so there is a record of each incident. Do it via the NSPCC if you prefer. Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility.

This. Cannot believe some people are accusing you of snitching. When schools go back, you could also ask to speak to the safeguarding lead there. I am on the safeguarding team at my school and we would absolutely want to know about this.

@CausingChaos2

You can speak to the school with or without DPs permission. They might not be able to have a dialogue with you, but they will listen to your concerns and act on them where needed. If your DP agrees, then they will be more open in their discussion with you, but it isn’t essential as long as you get the concerns over to them.

Absolutely this.

@Worriedandconcerned34 the DSP can't speak back to you ( can't give you any info,what else is in record, what they know about SS proceedings, what action they will take) but they definitely can and should listen. So just for reporting further concerns you do not need to be named.

We had concerns reported by the general public, other parents, neighbours,family members etc. While we couldn't give out any information, we definitely listened and looked into it.

Encourage him to go back to Court and get residency of the children. That is what social services would expect of a parent with these level of concerns.

@ChockyBicky

Leave the family alone, you've put them through the mill once and they've proved themselves. Now back off.

"You've put them through the mill" ???!!! What the hell? The OP has put them through the mill?

Not the mum's partner for the awful things he does and says? Or the mum for allowing it? But the OP??

What a disgraceful post @ChockyBicky

The case worker was due to come and speak to the children at our house about their home life at their mums. [...] However the case worker never showed up, and rang me 45 minutes after they were due to be at our house to say something had come up. That was the last time I heard from them.

I would use this as my way 'in'. The case worker felt it was important to speak to the children - she wasn't able to do so at their mum's house, so arranged to do it at yours. Then something came up and she couldn't.

...but that just means that the next step is still for her to speak to the kids at your house. Nothing has changed in that regard. So I would give the case worker a call and ask when the visit will be rearranged?

You wouldn't be initiating anything new, you'd simply be reminding them to finish off a case that's obviously been overlooked.

Leave the family alone, you've put them through the mill once and they've proved themselves.

Actually, they haven't.

The case worker didn't manage to speak to the children (she was prevented from doing so by the mother). She arranged to do so at OP's house.. but then that never happened. It sounds as if the investigation hasn't yet concluded one way or the other.

Jesus, OP do not just ignore. You are not a snitch FFS. Please continue to push SS to act in the best interests of the children.

Just up clarify, my rage is directed at chockybicky and not you OP

Some of the responses on here... give me fucking strength. You can tell who is bitter over their ex partner having a new partner, anyway.

OP, I'd keep talking to him and see if he'll change his mind. Let him know that if anything serious happens, you will be calling them yourself, irrespective of his opinion. And continue to be a supportive, safe place for the children, so once they can decide where to live for themselves, they know your door is open. Thank you for caring about the kids. It's hard as a step mum/partner figure but you're doing a great job.

@JuniperFather

This feels to me like snitching now. You've already got involved, you did what you could.

But would it be dry snitching?

If you and DH are scared of the DC's mother and her partner, how must DC feel?

Tell (don't ask) DH that you are re-reporting and then do so. The case may have been closed on the basis that the partner isn't living in the home, whereas the DC have said he is there at least part of the time. Given the history, you can re-report on that basis alone. You do not have to be related to a child to report concerns.

DO NOT tell the DC's mother that you are reporting. This is important.
Doing so may put the DC in danger for disclosing to you what is happening and will give her and the partner an opportunity to work out their story so it appears that the DC are lying and you are trying to cause trouble (which, going by the shocking initial responses on this thread, that would be believed by some).

Equip both DC (not just the older one) with information about how to report this themselves safely.

If you don't get any results from Social Services, contact the Designated Safeguarding Lead at both schools - they can listen even if they can't tell you anything.

Sometimes safeguarding is a jigsaw and you now hold a big piece of the picture.

Fucking hell. There's no such thing as "snitching" when a child's well being is in question!