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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I ask to speak to child services behind my partner's back?

235 replies

Worriedandconcerned34 · 10/08/2020 09:46

Hi,
Posting here for traffic and also because I am hoping for some genuine advice. This could well turn out to be an essay, so please forgive me.

I have strong suspicions that my partner's children (who live with his ex-wife) are being abused emotionally by their mother's partner. I don't believe they are being harmed physically but I don't know how long this will remain the case. We see these children 50% of the time, so on a regular basis throughout the week.

My partner knows about it and we have contacted child services numerous times in the past year. There is a case-worker assigned but we haven't heard from them since June and it appears as though they have closed the case. I worry that they have closed the case as the children are fed, clean, clothed - they are not being neglected. My partner is now reluctant to rock the boat any further as one of the children involved is not biologically his but he has always classed them as his own. But he has been threatened by the ex-wife that he will not get to see this child if he continues to (in her words) "try and ruin her life". So he is seemingly content to let things play out.

The signs of emotional abuse that we have been made aware of:
Ex-wife's partner has called the children names like "Dick". He has called the children fat and told them they are "mental". He has insisted they call him Daddy. He has threatened to abduct one of the children. He has been arrested for common assault against one of the children but the charges were dropped. He has taken videos on his phone of the children crying and he appears to be all nice on camera asking them why they are so upset and afraid of him. He has pinned their mum up against the wall. There have been at least 3 occasions the police have been called in the last 4 months by neighbours due to the shouting and this man has damaged the property and kicked holes in the doors. He has broken/barged his way into the house and shouted at the children whilst they were on factime with their friends and apparently their friends were all crying watching what was going on. This has all happened whilst the children have been at the property. There are two children involved here, one is my partner's daughter and is 9 years old. The other girl (not my partner's) is 13. The older child has been posting alarming social media videos saying she wants to die and has been self-harming. When approached about this the ex-wife says that the children are making a big fuss over nothing. I appreciate that a lot of what the children say (which I haven't posted here) sounds like normal children rebelling against authority - things like not wanting to go out and exercise, not wanting to play a game with each other, fighting and bickering but I am tearing my hair out trying to think of what else I can do to help these kids. If my partner is not willing to try again, what can I do? Should I contact the social worker again?

I should add that the ex-wife has promised over and over again to my partner that this man is gone for good. But then she takes him back again within two weeks. This has happened on three occasions throughout lockdown. Nothing changes.

I am a little bit lost as I tried so hard to get this man removed from the children's house but I am only a partner to their father. I have no say in what happens. Should I get involved again? I know that if I ask my partner if he wants to take anything further then he will say no, based on what kicked off last time. But these children are being systematically abused and failed by everyone in their lives, or so it seems to me. I don't think I can just sit back and watch. I have told my partner every time that I have spoken to the case worker or NSPCC, or whoever else I have tried to get some help from. But this time I know he won't want me to disturb the semi-peace that is happening now.

What should I do, Mumsnet? :(

OP posts:

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 10/08/2020 14:09

Please, please do not turn your back. If no-one else is, you are the only person advocating for them. That 13yo is speaking to someone who has been totally out of the picture until she was 11. That is such a brave and telling act. She is desperate. Can you support her in reporting to the police / SS / NSPCC? Don’t give up, these children need all the help they can get and they will watch what you do with this information. If you do nothing, can you imagine how they will feel, if not now then 10yrs down the line? Your partner hasn’t stepped up, be their voice. Please

mrsmuddlepies · 10/08/2020 14:10

OP, you are wonderful to care so about your step children. You are right to care and fight for their welfare.

Spandang · 10/08/2020 14:11

@Worriedandconcerned34

You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t I’m afraid. Prepare yourself for that.

Court, social services and cafcass, don’t stand up and say ‘this is despicable and wrong’. They say if they’ve done XYZ to protect the kids then there’s no case to answer and it’s a matter of making a court order for contact.

Realladymarmalade · 10/08/2020 14:14

100% report to social services.

FeedMeSantiago · 10/08/2020 14:34

Was there no Social Services involvement when the mother went to Spain for two years leaving her eldest daughter with a man who was not her father and who didn't have PR for her?

That poor girl, no wonder she's got mental health problems after being abandoned by her mother like that, and with an absent biological father, and that's before you bring an abusive boyfriend of her mum's into the mix.

Original poster

Worriedandconcerned34 · 10/08/2020 14:43

@FeedMeSantiago, I believe there was at that time. I imagine the whole family were on the watch list for a while. I wasn't around during that period of time but yes I think that the eldest girl's mental health has suffered as a result. She has told us that she has been diagnosed with depression, from around the time that her mother left her behind. DP knows nothing about this diagnosis, and was not aware that she is apparently on depression medication. Bit of a safety issue itself right there considering she is with us 50% of the time. But this was picked up in the last contact with child services. I have a lot of empathy for this child, she's had a mind-f*ck of an upbringing. (excuse my language)

OP posts:

contrary13 · 10/08/2020 15:00

Could you 'e'mail your stepchildren's school's safeguarding officer? I know from experience that teachers are picking up their 'e'mails during the holidays, still - and even if they don't, it'll be in their inbox on the first day of term/create a papertrail to display in court that you and the children's father/grandmother are significantly concerned. One 'e'mail to each school, too, or CC them into one. That way, there's a better chance of someone (other than you, OP) doing something to protect those children.

LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 15:04

Why has your dh not gone for full custody?

This sounds awful.

lyralalala · 10/08/2020 15:47

Your partner should have gone for PR for the eldest while he had her for two years. He should do that now

Has he even considered going for full residency of the girls? (If he'd done a tiny bit of research he'd have discovered that he has a strong link with the eldest so that won't prohibit court agreed access, or even residency if it's in the girl's best interests).

LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 16:01

@lyralalala

Your partner should have gone for PR for the eldest while he had her for two years. He should do that now

I agree with this. I can’t understand why he hasn’t tbh.

No way on this earth would my dh let his kids live in an environment like this. He would pick the kids up from school and I’d have a battle getting them back.

You do know you can refuse to give the kids back whilst on a visit don’t you?

Original poster

Worriedandconcerned34 · 10/08/2020 16:02

Apologies again if this is more drip-feedy, when the ex-wife left the kids behind, her mother took up RP status for the eldest girl whilst DP obviously had the youngest, although he saw the eldest girl regularly -- 50% of the time, like he has her now. This is also part of why DP doesn't want to split the girls up, he says it has been done before and it didn't work.
Ex-wife has told him that her solicitor advises he will have no rights when it comes to the eldest girl, I think DP has taken this as law.

The ideal situation is for the 50-50 arrangement to stay, I think, but obviously the mum has to get rid of this man for good, and not go back on her word time and time again. Would never seek to remove the kids from their mum, despite everything she's done I do believe she loves her kids and they are fed, clean, clothed with a roof over their heads and all the latest gadgets e.t.c. They love their mum very much and I already feel a bit sad that this could be jeopardised, but she needs to make this right.

OP posts:

Sunrise234 · 10/08/2020 16:04

Are you able to have them at yours more often?
I would be going to court and trying to get full custody of them. It may push the mum into getting rid of the boyfriend at the very least.

lyralalala · 10/08/2020 16:07

@Worriedandconcerned34

Apologies again if this is more drip-feedy, when the ex-wife left the kids behind, her mother took up RP status for the eldest girl whilst DP obviously had the youngest, although he saw the eldest girl regularly -- 50% of the time, like he has her now. This is also part of why DP doesn't want to split the girls up, he says it has been done before and it didn't work. Ex-wife has told him that her solicitor advises he will have no rights when it comes to the eldest girl, I think DP has taken this as law.

Ok, don't take this the wrong way, I had abusive parents and a vile childhood until my grandparents took me so things like this really bother me, but have you heard yourself?

And your partner needs to get a fucking grip.

I loved my parents and they starved me and burned my brother with an iron. There is a reason that children don't get to make life changing decisions on their own and that is because they are not capable of doing them.

Your DH needs to stop being an idiot and start being a father. If he considers the eldest as his daughter then he needs to get his own advice on what the situation is. He could get PR for her and he could get proper court mandated access (or residency).

they are fed, clean, clothed with a roof over their heads and all the latest gadgets e.t.c

And will the fact she has a fancy gadget beside her be comforting for you all when the eldest seriously harms herself? Or worse?

That statement puts the mother before the children. She might love them, but she is putting them at risk. When is someone going to put what is best for the children first?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 10/08/2020 16:08

@Worriedandconcerned34

Apologies again if this is more drip-feedy, when the ex-wife left the kids behind, her mother took up RP status for the eldest girl whilst DP obviously had the youngest, although he saw the eldest girl regularly -- 50% of the time, like he has her now. This is also part of why DP doesn't want to split the girls up, he says it has been done before and it didn't work. Ex-wife has told him that her solicitor advises he will have no rights when it comes to the eldest girl, I think DP has taken this as law.

The thing is, for whatever reason some women never leave the abusive waste if oxygen.

Not when SS get involved.
Not on the second,third,fourth chance.
Not when care proceedings start.
Not when it's clear the children will be removed.
Not once the children are in a foster home and there's still a chance.

They just don't. It's a long, drawn out and traumatising process especially if children are old/aware enough to realise mum "chose" a bloke over them.

The longer it takes the worse it is, and the more opportunities for the children to come to further harm.

LizzieBlackwell · 10/08/2020 16:10

So your dh is will you throw his dd under the bus so they don’t get separated. I don’t understand his logic behind it. Is it really better they both have to suffer because he can’t save both? Is that what he will tell his dd when she asks as an adult why the fuck he never took her full time?

Your focusing on his ex wife dumping this bloke. You will never be able to control that. What he can do is take his child back in to a place of safety. Frankly I’m gobsmacked he hasn’t.

SS only remove kids when there is overwhelming evidence of neglect and physical abuse. Even if a parent gets accused of sexual abuse you’ve got next to no chance of it being taken seriously unless there was a witness, so emotional abuse is very very low down on the list.

I don’t think I could be with a man that would happy send his kid back in to that house.

Ritascornershop · 10/08/2020 16:16

I’m not in the UK but are the older girl’s wishes not taken into account by the court when it comes to residency?

This must be so difficult for you op. What a difficult position. Let the girls know you are there for them, you believe in them, they can come to you. Encourage them to call the childline or 999 if necessary.

Does their school know how severe it is? The teachers have a duty to report so could you talk to them? If they are told by you and confirm with the girls then surely it has to be investigated.

Good luck, this sounds terribly stressful. My niece and nephew were removed by social services under similar circumstances (in Canada) and my parents ended up with them (nephew is the same age as me so they lived with us for years) .

FrootTheLoot · 10/08/2020 16:19

Sorry OP but I wholeheartedly agree with @lyralalala

lyralalala · 10/08/2020 16:33

I’m not in the UK but are the older girl’s wishes not taken into account by the court when it comes to residency?

At 13 her wishes would be taken into account

littlealexhorne · 10/08/2020 16:50

I second everything written by @lyralalala - I know this is an impossibly tough situation but please try to do everything possible to protect these children

StormBaby · 10/08/2020 17:23

My stepchildren all want to leave their mums, even at age 12 their wishes were not taken into account at all. The courts don’t always get it right. Cafcass regularly make the wrong choice. There is a lot of evidence that suggests they rarely put the children’s best interests at the top, sorry to say. There’s always a lot of women with no experience of how corrupt it all is that pop up on these threads saying 'you should be doing this’, but in reality, no one cares. My stepchildren are all constantly telling the safeguarding at school how miserable they are, nothing is ever done.

lyralalala · 10/08/2020 17:53

Sometimes they do get it right. My nephew lived with us from 13-15 and then from 17 onward.

The fact they sometimes get it wrong doesn't mean a father should just sit on his backside and do nothing. He hasn't even checked into getting PR, just took the word of someone who obviously wouldn't want him having residency of the elder girl as gospel.

Spandang · 10/08/2020 18:05

There’s always a lot of women with no experience of how corrupt it all is that pop up on these threads saying 'you should be doing this’, but in reality, no one cares. My stepchildren are all constantly telling the safeguarding at school how miserable they are, nothing is ever done.

A thousand times this. We want PR of the kids. We want full custody. Ex wants to date someone with over 20 convictions for violent offences. A persistent, violent offender who is described by authorities as high risk.

Because ex says they’ve ended it. Despite evidence (reported by another public body not us) to the contrary, Cafcass who speak for children in court deem there is no safeguarding case to answer and it’s just a child arrangement order for 50/50 custody from there.

That’s our court system. It’s disgusting and I’m shocked by the whole process, but that’s our court system. Don’t believe me? Have a good google of Cafcass. We are absolutely not the only ones.

I genuinely fear for kids who don’t have another parent to take them into protective custody.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 10/08/2020 18:28

Of course they get it wrong sometimes. And a lot of the times it can feel like postcode lottery as to what level of help,support and interventions you get. That doesn't mean that OP (and her husband) should give up and stop trying.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/08/2020 21:42

Hi Im a sw although not in the uk and not in children and families. If it helps the things you have told us here meet the threshold for reporting by normal citizens in my country. So please do. Each piece of info helps build a picture, builds a case.

Notcoolmum · 11/08/2020 08:46

I can't understand why your partner isnt moving heaven and earth to get this sorted if he believes his children are being abused. He's sacrificing the wellbeing of his children for a child that isn't his but he also hasn't taken any advice on what he can do to help the child that isn't his? This has been going on a while by the sounds of it?

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