Should I ask to speak to child services behind my partner's back?

[Worriedandconcerned34]

Hi,
Posting here for traffic and also because I am hoping for some genuine advice. This could well turn out to be an essay, so please forgive me.

I have strong suspicions that my partner's children (who live with his ex-wife) are being abused emotionally by their mother's partner. I don't believe they are being harmed physically but I don't know how long this will remain the case. We see these children 50% of the time, so on a regular basis throughout the week.

My partner knows about it and we have contacted child services numerous times in the past year. There is a case-worker assigned but we haven't heard from them since June and it appears as though they have closed the case. I worry that they have closed the case as the children are fed, clean, clothed - they are not being neglected. My partner is now reluctant to rock the boat any further as one of the children involved is not biologically his but he has always classed them as his own. But he has been threatened by the ex-wife that he will not get to see this child if he continues to (in her words) "try and ruin her life". So he is seemingly content to let things play out.

The signs of emotional abuse that we have been made aware of:
Ex-wife's partner has called the children names like "Dick". He has called the children fat and told them they are "mental". He has insisted they call him Daddy. He has threatened to abduct one of the children. He has been arrested for common assault against one of the children but the charges were dropped. He has taken videos on his phone of the children crying and he appears to be all nice on camera asking them why they are so upset and afraid of him. He has pinned their mum up against the wall. There have been at least 3 occasions the police have been called in the last 4 months by neighbours due to the shouting and this man has damaged the property and kicked holes in the doors. He has broken/barged his way into the house and shouted at the children whilst they were on factime with their friends and apparently their friends were all crying watching what was going on. This has all happened whilst the children have been at the property. There are two children involved here, one is my partner's daughter and is 9 years old. The other girl (not my partner's) is 13. The older child has been posting alarming social media videos saying she wants to die and has been self-harming. When approached about this the ex-wife says that the children are making a big fuss over nothing. I appreciate that a lot of what the children say (which I haven't posted here) sounds like normal children rebelling against authority - things like not wanting to go out and exercise, not wanting to play a game with each other, fighting and bickering but I am tearing my hair out trying to think of what else I can do to help these kids. If my partner is not willing to try again, what can I do? Should I contact the social worker again?

I should add that the ex-wife has promised over and over again to my partner that this man is gone for good. But then she takes him back again within two weeks. This has happened on three occasions throughout lockdown. Nothing changes.

I am a little bit lost as I tried so hard to get this man removed from the children's house but I am only a partner to their father. I have no say in what happens. Should I get involved again? I know that if I ask my partner if he wants to take anything further then he will say no, based on what kicked off last time. But these children are being systematically abused and failed by everyone in their lives, or so it seems to me. I don't think I can just sit back and watch. I have told my partner every time that I have spoken to the case worker or NSPCC, or whoever else I have tried to get some help from. But this time I know he won't want me to disturb the semi-peace that is happening now.

What should I do, Mumsnet? :(

I’m absolutely shocked by some responses on here!!

Yes please please report.

I’ve known of several people reporting their own family to police / SS as a way to protect people without becoming involved themselves. If they have nothing to hide there won’t be an issue. The children are lucky to have you as a step mum

@FrootTheLoot
He was extremely upset when we saw these posts. Some of the suicide ones dated back to when the girl was ten years old. He spoke to the ex-wife about it and was accused of spying/snooping on the girl and that it was none of his business. Then we didn't see the child for about a month and when asked why, the ex-wife said she didn't want to come to our house anymore. Suddenly she does though, when it turns out this man is back at the house.

There are a lot of things that my partner could do and doesn't to be fair. I will defend him and say that he is scared of his ex-wife (different subject entirely), she gaslighted him and made up fansical (sp?) things about him and made him feel like he was worthless, then she had an affair with his friend and ended the marriage. Lucky break he had I think. But I agree - the childrens' needs outweigh all of this.

I don't want to talk too much about the children's mother to be honest. The children adore her and neither me or my partner would ever try to poison them against her. But I agree with PP, I think she is caught in the clutches of this man and cannot see the wood for the trees.

If a child fell and hurt themselves and the parent didn't get medical help because they didn't want the hassle of disturbing the peace this would be neglect.
Df is neglecting his duty as a father for putting himself first and not getting involved for an easier life.
Also you may only be his partner but each and every one of us has a duty to protect children. I can see how it will look if you're wrong but so what?

@Whatisthisfuckery

So there is a violent man living in your H’s home, abusing his children and their mother, the older child is in mental distress, and he wants to keep out of it for his own sake. You’re right OP, the children are being failed by the adults in their lives, including their father.

I would report, again and again and again, every time something happened that caused me concern. If you don’t then it doesn’t sound like anybody else will bother. Ther mum sounds like she’s well in the clutches of this abusive man and can’t see the wood for the trees and the father is selfish and more worried about himself.

If the police have been to the house during lockdown then this should have triggered alerts to SS, but for whatever reason it obviously hasn’t, or they have been ignored.

This is an intolerable situation for the DC. Keep reporting OP, you sound like you’re the only one who gives a shit. Don’t apologise either, why would you apologise for thinking it’s unacceptable for kids to be subjected to abuse? If your H has a problem then the problem lies with him, not you. Likewise SS, if they don’t think it’s enough of an issue then they are also in the wrong. One understands they are stretched beyond their limits, especially at the moment, but that is not the DCs fault and they shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.

This.

I understand your DH maybe feels that the more he pushes, the more risk there is of losing contact with the kids. But protecting the children is more important.

For the people calling you a snitch and telling you to stay out of it... I fucking despair, honestly. Those poor kids.

Can you speak to the 13 years old dad, grandparents?

Unless there’s a child arrangement order (like residency/contact order etc) your partner can legally refuse to let his daughter go back home. Her mother would have to go through the court to bring her home, and even then it’s a long slow process that involves the children being able to voice their opinions to the court if they’re old enough. It’s one way to protect his child.

The thirteen year old's dad is not in the picture. She literally has nobody except her mother and my partner who raised her from birth.

She is a very closed book but part of the reason for me posting this today was that she opened up at the weekend and started talking about this man to us. She has never done this before, probably out of wanting to protect her mum.

Snitching? Ffs this isn't a playground and emotional abuse is really serious. It can cause as much if not more long term damage to self esteem as physical abuse.

OP I would continue to fight for these children. We should all be involved and it is all of our business. Have you contacted the NSPCC for advice?

Given the information that a caseworker was supposed to see the children at your house and hasn't been in contact since cancelling you have a very easy way to chase this up. I would definitely contact them and ask where they are as there have been further incidents and you are even more concerned. I wouldn't go behind your husbands back, I would give him the chance to do it but make it clear that, if he doesn't , you will.

My DP is not coming off great in all this and I understand why that is (!) I have asked him about all this but he doesn't want to separate his children from their mother. He knows that if he does then the children will hate him for it and he's not willing/mature enough to see the bigger picture.
I've had these conversations with him which is why my original post talks about doing it behind his back. I've even offered financial support if he wants to go for full custody of them, anything to try and get them some safety and stability!

MN is full of dislike for Step parents especially when there are genuine concerns being raised so take no notice of the snitching playground comments.

Your husband needs to step up as a father and a step father to protect both girls. Both girls deserve to feel safe at home and have a security needed. Social services do not conduct through investigations on every referral - they have 24 hours to make an assessment which is commonly review previous interactions and LA reports. If required they actually speak to a parent asking if everything ok and if the person sounds happy enough they close the case (this is what they done on 9 occasions DSD Mum was reported for genuine neglect by her friends and neighbours unbeknown to us as they don't always contact the other parent with PR)

Call SS today and ask when the rescheduled interview with the girls is to be as you understand why it was postponed in June but concerned there has been no update and the unknown is not reassuring for the girls. This will let you know firstly if the case is still open or not and what next steps are.

If the case is closed, your DP needs to work with the grandma and protect the girls. If you have 50/50 of both currently, you can still look after the older daughter I believe even after SS deem the house unsafe depending on the situation with her own father and what her wishes are as she'll be old enough to be listened to by a family judge. Alternatively if getting no where with SS, he can apply for an emergency child order -the one where he withholds both girls for 7 days I think it is and the courts instruct SS and Cafcass to complete a through investigation into the girls safety. As you've kept a detailed diary, I would take photos of every account and give it over to SS once your DP has spoken to them.

Doing this behind your DP back though could resort to your relationship ending as he might blame you. You need to have a frank conversation around the girls welfare, health and mental states and support each other through the upcoming hurdles as it will be tough but leaving the girls to be scared and abused will be tougher.

I’m glad that you’ve kept a log of what the children have said. It’s horrifying that a young girl is suicidal and both girls are crying to their friends on Face time. Their friends are witnesses. Please screenshot the older girl’s concerning social media posts. I would take this to the police or at least speak to the NSPCC beforehand.

Don’t listen to the awful, sick people calling you a “snitch” and telling you to “back off.” You should never ignore children that are suffering.

Maybe I have stirred up instant animosity (for want of a better word) by referring to going behind my partner's back.

No, you’ve stirred up animosity from some posters simply by being a stepmother. Ignore them.

I think you need to follow your conscience here and report, but I agree it would be better if you can get your DP on side. I hope for the children’s sake you can get someone to listen.

Keep the children at your house, the 13 year old is old enough to chose where she wants to stay.

Brilliant advice from BingeOn.

Also, don’t do this behind your DP back. You must let him know that you are concerned for the safety of these girls and you will support him throughout this. Reassure him that you can always get a family lawyer to sort out how he can maintain relationships with his daughter and step daughter.

Your DP needs to step up here and stop trying to inhabit the space where he is universally loved and can avoid any possible confrontation. If it mean he subsequently has issues with his former partner then so be it - why should you have to be the one to bear all the aggro when it's (litrerally) related to him?

Going behind his back though is snitching, I'm sorry people don't like that word but it is what it is, I'm just calling it out when I see it.

Given the information that a caseworker was supposed to see the children at your house and hasn't been in contact since cancelling you have a very easy way to chase this up. I would definitely contact them and ask where they are as there have been further incidents and you are even more concerned

Absolutely. Mention 'negligence' and 'court' (or 'inquest').

Actually going back to not having concrete evidence, a lot of what I have posted on here about this man threatening to abduct one of the kids/pinning the mum against the wall/assaulting them/damaging property was told to us by the ex wife herself.
So it's not just the children talking!

Ok, I'm going to contact the case worker. But I'm going to speak to DP first. But then I will be contacting them. If we fall out then so be it. If he wants to end our relationship and blame me then so be it. He's a gentle soul who won't say boo to a goose and this is part of the problem I guess.

OP

For the love of God don't keep out of this, the older girl is screaming out for help! The people on here are unbelievable, calling you a snitch or to keep out of it.

No one shoulder ever turn a blind eye where children are potentially being abused.

Some posters need to recheck thier morals.

I think, considering your partner doesn't have PR for the 13 year old, he's taking the only approach he can and you should support him with that. The only way he can help her is by staying in her life, continuing to have her to stay with her sister, nurturing their relationship as well.

It sounds like there are no concerns about the Mother herself and the girls maternal grandmother is providing support and a watchful eye in the background. School and social services are already aware of the situation.

You aren't in a position to do anything further, you could risk your own relationship as your partner would likely be furious if you do anything behind his back and could also blame you for causing him to lose contact with the elder girl.

In the next few years the younger girl, his DD can choose to come and live with you both if she wishes.

Hopefully the Mother's volatile relationship with this man will be over for good soon.

@scoobydoo1971 is spot on. Please show your partner her response and persuade him that he needs to follow the advice she has given. If he really doesn’t want to go to the police then ask him to check with social services as to the status of the case.

To all those saying leave it, I am flabbergasted - Safeguarding is everyone ‘s business and if you report a concern and it’s nothing great, but sometimes even a small piece of information contributes to a bigger picture.

@Worriedandconcerned34

Actually going back to not having concrete evidence, a lot of what I have posted on here about this man threatening to abduct one of the kids/pinning the mum against the wall/assaulting them/damaging property was told to us by the ex wife herself. So it's not just the children talking!

Ok, I'm going to contact the case worker. But I'm going to speak to DP first. But then I will be contacting them. If we fall out then so be it. If he wants to end our relationship and blame me then so be it. He's a gentle soul who won't say boo to a goose and this is part of the problem I guess.

this sounds like an excellent plan of action.

And telling your DP means he realises the consequences if he doesn't support. That you're potentially sacrificing your relationship in order to ensure the safeguarding around his children.