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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married man. I know IABU

232 replies

Ellia28 · 09/08/2020 22:43

I have been speaking to him for about 6 months.
His wife is pregnant.
We've shared pics, had video chats, spoken about everything for hours and made plans to meet.
I did not know any of this at the start, but now I do and I'm struggling to let go. I know I have to though.
Should I say something or just block him?

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 10/08/2020 11:20

Finding out was a cheating, piece of shit with a pregnant wife should be enough to kill any feelings you had for him dead. Also knowing he is capable of being such a shit should be enough for you not to go anywhere near him ever again

Original poster
Ellia28 · 10/08/2020 12:02

Yes, unfortunately it's a genuine post. I only found out the other day and have just been trying to get my head around it all.

OP posts:
paellaandpies · 10/08/2020 12:05

Is the person you thought you’d be when you were younger?

Is this the person you want to look back on, after he strings you along for however long it takes?

Just delete and block him. At worst it’ll be a month or so of feeling low, and at best you won’t be that person and you’ll gain back your self respect.

DilemmaADay · 10/08/2020 12:10

@foreverandalways.... I'm sure the HUSBAND has lot to answer for to his pregnant wife. Way to blame the woman here rather than the cheating man Hmm

dayswithaY · 10/08/2020 13:15

To be fair, lots of people have called him scum of the earth, many times.

hiyahen · 10/08/2020 13:27

I think the reason you are finding it difficult to let go is that you like/fancy/are in love with the person he said he was, not the person he actually is.

As so many others have already said its time to block all communication channels so he can't contact you.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm even more sorry for his pregnant partner and unborn baby. At least you can move on relatively easily - she's tied to him forever Sad

kierenthecommunity · 10/08/2020 13:28

When I was younger I was once inadvertently the OW. Unfortunately though, I was actually seeing/sleeping with the guy. I didn’t find out about the fiancée until a bit after I’d finished things although I was starting to have some doubts. There were too many reasons I couldn’t go to his house (it’s being renovated) or meet his family (my mum adored my ex she’s still upset about it.) The fact he let me dump him so easily also should have spoken volumes, he hardly put up much of a protest.

It was difficult to finish with him because I was really in love with him

Shortly after I found out about the fiancée and that she was five months pregnant. Which meant he was sleeping with us both at the same time.

As you can imagine the love I had did dissolve a bit after that, as I’d fallen for a total fantasy. Didn’t mean I got over it straight away though.

Common sense is telling you what to do. And you WILL get over it Smile

AllsortsofAwkward · 10/08/2020 13:33

Grim beyond belief what type of woman does this knowing theirs a pregnant wife who is possibly at her most vulnerable in her life.

Lockheart · 10/08/2020 13:36

@AllsortsofAwkward

Grim beyond belief what type of woman does this knowing theirs a pregnant wife who is possibly at her most vulnerable in her life.
She didn't know. So what's your point? Other than to add to the pile on.
Frownette · 10/08/2020 13:37

@AllsortsofAwkward

Grim beyond belief what type of woman does this knowing theirs a pregnant wife who is possibly at her most vulnerable in her life.
Grim the sort of man. He's messed two women around (possibly more)

We don't actually know what course of action OP decided to take and it's entirely her business if she wants to update or not.

AllsortsofAwkward · 10/08/2020 13:38

Well once she found out she should have ended it thats what's grim, why would you have to question it.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/08/2020 14:10

so many posters wading in having scanned the subject line but not reading it properly.

The OP wants to end it. She's asking how to.

I was once taken in by a man who was separated. He was but the wife came back and he forgot to say.

Like another poster here, there was always a reason not to visit him, at his home, (distance being one.) It wasn't a physical affair- more emotional but he wanted me to make a future with him.

I found out , ended it, and they carried on (she knew and forgave him.)

JinglingHellsBells · 10/08/2020 14:11

she should have ended it thats what's grim,

FGS- she found out a day ago and is in shock and is asking for advice on the best way to end it.

Are you reading the thread at all?

MilerVino · 10/08/2020 14:18

Well once she found out she should have ended it thats what's grim, why would you have to question it.

From the OP I'm struggling to let go. I know I have to though. So she knows she has to end it she wants to know how. It is hard knowing that you've been conned and knowing you have to end something, whilst a part of you wishes you could go back to the way things were or wishes things were slightly different. You know they're not and you know what you have to do, you just want a bit of a handhold.

Anordinarymum · 10/08/2020 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Frownette · 10/08/2020 14:23

@AllsortsofAwkward

Well once she found out she should have ended it thats what's grim, why would you have to question it.
We don't know that she hasn't. It can take a time delay to process it before you take action.

Entirely up to OP if she wants to update.

HowFastIsTooFast · 10/08/2020 14:28

I'm sorry OP that you crossed paths with this piece of shit, but you must know what you have to do now and that is to block him, cry your tears for the person that never existed and then hold your head up high and move on.

I'm also sorry that you've had such abuse on this thread, there's no need for it.

A friend of mine some years ago was in the same position as you. She didn't walk away when she found out. Instead she wasted years as the other Woman that he'd make false promises to, shag on business trips and couldn't actually care less about. I haven't spoken to her since it became clear she wasn't going to be the one to cut contact, I couldn't continue to be friends with someone I had no respect for. The consequences of continuing could be more far-reaching than you expect.

Frownette · 10/08/2020 14:33

@AllsortsofAwkward

Well once she found out she should have ended it thats what's grim, why would you have to question it.
You don't know that she hasn't! It's hardly like she was expecting this
Riv12345 · 10/08/2020 14:34

How would you like it op

If the shoe was on the other foot

Karma!!!!

Thesnacklady · 10/08/2020 14:37

I have only read your posts OP so apologies if I am repeating what someone else has said.

He has shown you who he is, albeit quite late in the conversation. He is not a good man, but you can do the right thing and leave it well alone.

Be blunt with him, tell him maybe he will realize something.

UnicornAndSparkles · 10/08/2020 14:40

Block and delete. You deserve better, as does his pregnant wife.

Original poster
Ellia28 · 10/08/2020 14:43

Thanks for the supportive comments.

I sent him a final message, outlining what I knew and that we were finished.

He messaged back straight away saying "don't be like this" and that we can "work through it." Hmm

A lot of you have said I should tell his wife. I don't think I can, I just feel so guilty.

OP posts:
MrDarcysMa · 10/08/2020 14:44

So he lied to you all along too? Sounds like a right catch Hmm

msflibble · 10/08/2020 15:08

Well done OP. You did the right thing. Don't listen to his snivelling excuses, he is a calculated lying shitcake who deliberately lied to you to get you to fall for him and you can never trust him.

If you can muster the strength to tell his wife, do it. She deserves to know the truth.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/08/2020 15:11

@Ellia28 Are you 28? If so, you are young. Put this behind you. Asking if you should contact his wife is another red rag to a bull on MN- lots of women will say yes.
Some perspective is needed here.
You have had an online flirtation with a man. Nothing else has happened. You have not even met.

For your own good, let this go.

Telling his wife will prolong the agony for you. The odds are she will turn on you. And you may not be the only woman he's been talking to- there could be several.

Walk away. Block his number. Do not reply to his text. Silence is the best reply.

You can do it.

Can you do something for yourself for the est of today? See a friend? Go for a walk? Something to take your mind off it a tiny bit?

Anyone in RL to share it with?

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