Married man. I know IABU

[Ellia28]

I have been speaking to him for about 6 months.
His wife is pregnant.
We've shared pics, had video chats, spoken about everything for hours and made plans to meet.
I did not know any of this at the start, but now I do and I'm struggling to let go. I know I have to though.
Should I say something or just block him?

@compulsivesnacker

You didn’t know ‘at the start’. Well, no. When did you find out he was married? And when did you find out his wife was pregnant?

Why do you want to know? So that you can be smug and sanctimonious like the horrible poster above who referred to the OP as "garbage"?

OP, I know you may be hurt and confused, you've been lied to. It's tempting to try and hurt him back but it'll cost you more - just block. You don't need any closure and you owe him no explanation, he deserves zero consideration from you. If you think of it that way you have nothing more to say to him.

Jesus Christ there are some vile arseholes on this thread.

Do you just see the words “married man” and then go straight in for the kill?

There are so many situations in life where people say from the sidelines “I would do x/y immediately” but when it comes to the crunch people often act differently.

For anyone who says the OP doesn’t have real feelings for this man, never under-estimate an emotional connection which can be formed online, when what you have is conversation during the good times,a personality which has been formed in your mind and the belief that all you need to make it perfect is to meet in RL.

The OP didn’t know he was married. For anyone who says she must have known, there are people out there who are part of an actual double life, with children and everything, and who are oblivious.

And actually I’m wondering, if people find out they’re in a double life, who should be the one to end it if there are children in both those families?

OP I can actually see why you’re in a dilemma about this, because while it’s easy to say just block, I would want him to know that I know, and I would want to make my feelings for him over it abundantly clear. not least because I wouldn’t want him to think himself to be the poor innocent victim of ghosting.

So I would actually tell him. “You’re married, and she’s pregnant, and no, I don’t want to hear the line that “she doesn’t understand me” so don’t ever contact me again. “.

And then I would block.

Block and get on with your life.

@Ellia28 there is a lot of justifiable emotion on this thread, as I suspect you know there would be

I will just recommend to you to consider what type of man goes on the internet looking for another woman when he is already in an intimate relationship? What type of man carries on a relationship when his wife is pregnant? What type of man then, finally, reveals that relationship and the pregnancy and requests to continue the extra-marital relationship? Any man who would do any of these things is not a man. He is a selfish coward.

Moreover you say "I'm struggling to let go" - are you? Consider the above man who would use subterfuge and lies for his own personal gain. Consider the man who would talk intimately to other women when his wife is pregnant carrying his child. What do you admire about this man? What is it about this man that causes you to think that you could have a successful, meaningful, honest relationship with him?

To answer your initial question - don't say anything. Just block and move on. And thank your lucky stars that you had a lucky escape from pain and anquish.

Have you ever met him in person? If not he could be anyone. He could be a group of 16 year olds having a laugh at your expense. He could be a woman, or he could be who he says he is an utter slime ball cheating on his pregnant wife. I’m sure he has several of these conversations going with unsuspecting women.

Just block him and delete him from everything and move on with your life.

So I can be vile? No, because I’m curious and the op is being cagey. If she found out today I have every sympathy for her.
If she found out he was married 5 months ago and fell for the ‘we don’t have sex’ line then I’d be curious why she dated a married man for 5 months, pregnancy or not.
I’m assuming the only reason no sex has occurred is lockdown?
There was just something about the post that was framed in a way that she knew she would get (and kinda welcomed as she sorta knew she was right to feel guilty) a bit of a kicking.
Why else post on a parenting forum?
It’s a bit... odd.
So I was interested. And others asked and she was (deliberately?) ignoring them. Which made me more curious.
Crack on though. I’m sure you swinging your baseball bat is doing wonders for the vileness you are appall up in arms about.

So at the moment you've just spoken to him
And invested
Time, and your feelings.
He'll shut all over hou, just like he is with his wife now. The man got her pregnant and is chatting up another person - if you did get with this man, he'll treat you the same way!

He May we'll have other women too now, not just you and his wife - just drop, block and be grateful you've not involved yourself more

Shit ... not shut

Block.

@Oncemorewithfeelin agree completely
@compulsivesnacker agree completely

You know you need to delete and block him.

Embarrassing how many people trying to play amateur detective on here to shame the OP due to some "timeline" issue that makes her more complicit.

She. Said. She. Was. Duped.

Why not believe her?

Or are there so many bitters on here who can't wait to take turns at throwing stones at a woman who was (unwittingly. UNWITTINGLY) involved with a married man?

Maybe you should be more worried about some men's propensity to lie and weave a fable that means a woman doesn't know who she is dating?

OP you are getting way too much stick on here from people who only read the words "married man" before sharpening their claws for a pile-in.

YABU all of you who are being so vicious to OP.

I don't know why you bothered asking, OP, since you keep saying you don't want to be in this position but yet, here you are.

You know that you should have blocked him as soon as you knew. There is no need to listen to "our marriage is effectively over, staying for the kids" etc etc.

Every time you're been in contact, furthering this EA, you are colluding in breaking up a marriage.

@Ellia28

I have been the pregnant wife. How dare you collude with him to an [emotional] affair?? Have you no fucking scruples?? Block, ghost or tell him to just leave you alone, the utter piece of shit that he is. Don't come back on here crying that he's dumped you after shagging you

I am sorry this happened to you. Really, I am. But I have not been colluding with him.

You have op. Why are you in denial?! You're messaging behind his wife's back, knowing she's pregnant. Have you ever been pregnant? Chances are she's feeling vulnerable . I'm sorry but you need to get some self respect.

This happened to my mum when she was pregnant with my brother, she found out 6 weeks after giving birth. She has never really ever gotten over it and it changed her so much. She has never allowed another man into her life since. That was over 40 years ago now.
Just stop it now and don’t help to ruin someone’s life.

What responses did you think you would get here, just curious? Did you think one single person would say, "He sounds nice, why don't you pursue this relationship? You don't owe his wife anything, you're not the one breaking your marriage vows" . That was never going to happen because literally no one thinks that is a good idea, but you know that too.

If I've understood this correctly, you haven't even met him in person anyway so it's even easier to cut him off. Given that, I'm surprised that he told you about his pregnant wife at all as he could have kept this quiet for longer. I agree with PP, he could be anyone just making stuff up for drama.

Anyway, you've been given lots of advice so you know what to do now.

Some comments on here are disgraceful.

You know you need to stop this OP. Block and delete and try to put him out of your mind.

His wife deserves to know what a scum bag she has married! Poor thing! You should tell her and then tell him he’s disgusting! Otherwise she’s in for a very long life of being cheated on!

People need to calm down. The OP didn't know he was married, and now she has found out she has said she's going to end it. She is allowed to be upset about this. The man is the dickhead in this situation for lying to his pregnant wife and the OP. There is really no need for the vitriol on here.

OP - I would grass him up. You must have hard evidence if you've been in contact for this long and shared pictures. If it was my husband I would want to be told. Fuck him. Send her absolutely everything you can possibly think of so there is not a doubt in her mind.

Why didn't you block the second you found out he was married? I mean he has been playing you, he's nasty, he's a cheat,

Why would you not immediately go off him?

Just block.

When I found out my partner was having an ‘emotional affair’ - I’d say an affair you were letting them believe there was a chance you’d be in a relationship - when I was pregnant I didn’t find out until 6 months after having my child. It has broken me. I was confident, happy, secure with myself now I hate the way I look, behave and question every decision I make.

I did not blame the OW she had no clue about me, how could she ever be at fault. I still feel sorry for her though because he just ghosted her which I think was an awful thing he did, he should of explained to her he was an utter scum bag who was using her for an ego boost. Leave with pride. This isn’t what you asked for, you didn’t know and how dare someone use you for an ego boost. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

@TitsOutForHarambe no she didn't know he was married, but she does now and she hasn't ended it, she said s she's going too but she hasn't done it.

@Batmanandbobbin for you, did you finish the relationship or did you try and repair it?

Not sure if you've ever been pregnant OP (if you have then it's even worse)
But as a woman you already feel the most vulnerable and unattractive that you possibly could in life. For me it would be the ultimate betrayal.
His poor wife will be destroyed if and when she finds out.

This type of man is the lowest of the low and no matter what he tells you he would and will do the same to you if you were to continue things.

Grow up

@Ellia28 you've had some very brutal responses here, try not to take them to heart too much. This is understandable given that many women have been cheated on in this way but although you do hold some responsibility he is the one that's married with a baby on the way, not you.

I know it's hard to let go when you are in love, but remember he is selling you a lie. Men who cheat in this incredibly underhand way often don't care about the OW at all, and are using them as a distraction from their various mental struggles, such as coming to terms with impending fatherhood, ageing, and mortality. They are rarely actually in love and even more rarely intend to leave their current partner for the OW. If he does actually do this, trust me, he will do it to you eventually too.

He is one big red flag. The "relationship" has no future. Cut your losses and block him as fast as you can. Tell him he should be with his wife and stop looking to fill the gap he thinks he has in his life, because if he doesn't he'll never be satisfied.

You have done something you know is wrong but it isn't too late to be the bigger person. Good luck.