I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

Do you want to be a replacement mother to him?

That's who you are becoming. When you have children, the transformation will be complete. You will be mother to the household; to him and to the children. He will be your extra child.

Sexy, huh?

OP will marry the prick. Cos, love. Although she clearly finds it hard to say what's so loveable about him.

OP will be back in a couple of years, with kids, on her knees and seething with hatred. The love bit will be long gone. There will have been no respect to prop it up, so it will have fallen quickly. What's left will be a big load of resentment. Everyone will dole out the sympathy. Nobody will say, I told you so, you daft idiot.

Look, you are in a brilliant position right now, not being married or saddled with this wank stain's progeny. Run. Run for the hills, and don't look back.

I've never, ever said this on MN...but please just LTB. It will only get worse after you marry him.

@Las909090

I'm sorry but this man does not respect you. He has no interest in the work you do, your responsibilities there nor how that affects you personally in mental or physical energy.

He does not seem to have any idea of being in an equal partnership with you, but sees you as having a part time job and so able to do all the house chores (including tidying around after him, starting to cook a meal and make a cup of tea for HIM) when you get home exhausted from a long shift.

What is wrong with him doing those things for someone he's supposed to love and cherish?

He is used to women looking after these needs * "his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him*".

You are neither his servant nor his stepmother or grandmother. You are supposed to be his partner, in the truest sense of the word. If he cannot respect you as this now, how will your relationship work once/if you married and have children?

I know you say you love him but is that really enough for this relationship to work? By all means talk seriously to him but, before you do, consider at least postponing your wedding for at least a year to see if his poor attitude improves and, if not, then don't get married to him. Certainly do not have children with him until, if you stay with him, you are very sure you can trust him to be someone who you can rely on to support you.

Re-read your own posts, OP. Is this someone you want to spend your life with, or to be a role model for your children? 🌹

His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol

This might, MIGHT, be an explanation for his behaviour, but NOT an excuse.

By all means have a frank conversation with him, but change, and the desire to change, must come from him. It is not within your gift to change him.

Can the fabricator welder pay for a cleaner?

He doesn't respect you. He's after a domestic appliance not a full blown person to share his life. I've seen it so often, beautiful strong and clever women reduced to a domestic role because of a man who won't pull his weight. Her interests go out the window in favour of his own.

Fiver says he has a hobby that takes up a not insignificant amount of free time.

Hi OP,
he doesn't respect you, and you can't love someone you don't respect. You are his bang maid. A quick look around this site will tell you men like him don't change, so either leave, get a cleaner or make peace with doing everything. You are worth more than this, and you could do so much better, hopefully one day you will realise that.

He's not on your team and he has no respect at all for you. Sounds like you've already had many conversations asking him to change and he hasn't. Don't marry him, unless you want sole responsibility for the housework and the cooking and eventually the children

Please don't have children together.
His behaviour will be amplified.

You're not going to want to read this, let alone believe it.

He won't change. He might make an effort after your "chat" but he'll slide back after a few weeks or months and you'll end up doing everything again. Rinse and repeat for years.

If you have children he will leave you to do the lion's share of childcare and domestics.

You'll be too tired and financially tied to him by then to leave.

Your life will be drudgework for a selfish, pampered, man-baby.

But if you "love" him then it's worth it, right?

Leave. Leave leave leave leave leave.

If you want to give him a second chance do it by going back to dating only after a break when you have a chance to really understand what your relationship parameters are. And whether he meets them.

Good luck, you sound genuinely lovely.

He's no good. Its supremely selfishness not to make you food when you're working long shifts. Can he not make you something while he's making his own dinner?

Well, you can have the conversation. It might improve for a month or two and then it will slide right back. You have a lifetime of misogyny and laziness to unpick there, OP. I would personally direct my efforts to finding a partner who can operate the dishwasher.

Two things to say -
Firstly, he won’t change and this is how it will be for the rest of your life. It will be worse when you’re ‘doing nothing’ but playing with your kids all day.
Secondly, why the hell are you marrying him ?!!

This is my exH and I. When I worked less hours, and we had no children, not a problem. But after changing career (which he pushed for, not foisted on him) and having 2 DC together, I was out of the home a lot longer than him, and yet still doing 90% of the housework, and other than drop offs and pick ups, the rest of the childcare.

I tried everything. We would talk, quick chats, long deep discussions about how disrespected and undervalued I felt. I did chore rotas, I let him cherry pick whatever jobs he fancied, I went on strike, I begged to get in a cleaner...
He would apologise and make an effort, I think 3 months was the longest he lasted. Then it would all just slide back, gradually, with me picking up the slack here and there, until I was doing everything again.

It killed all the love, respect, and attraction I felt for him. Our sex life dwindled to nothing, which he really resented, but there is nothing sexy about a man child who expects women to serve them while they just sit on their ass watching NCIS reruns!

He never changed, why would he? He had no respect for me, or just about any other female tbh. Changing served no purpose, but it did mean a lot more work for him.

Do not marry him OP, at least not without a fundamental shift in your relationship. He needs to step up and work with you, as a team, taking responsibility for his share of maintaining the home you share. And not because you've given him a list of things to do, because that still leaves you ultimately responsible for it all.

He’s a selfish gut, he definitely doesn’t respect you at all let alone love you.
I’m married to a selfish git too, and a retired nurse so I know exactly how you feel. I used to get so tired I would be sick yet he would do absolutely nothing.
I’m now 67, completely worn out and have severe heart failure. He’s finally begrudgingly doing some things but only because I physically can’t.
Please don’t marry him and end up like me, it’s never worth it.

Please value yourself enough to leave him, op .

Don’t marry him.
My husband doesn’t cook but he does all the washing up a lot of cleaning. If someone doesn’t care enough about you to help with the most basic things then having children will be a disaster.

Mannymanmunroe is spot on

When I read theses threads about these poor men who are so tired after a day at work they can’t possibly cook a meal, look after the kids tor basically lift a finger, I wonder - what would happen if they lived alone?

Unless they wanted to starve or live in filth they would do those jobs - no matter how tired they were they would have to cook a meal, AND wash up etc so why when they have a partner do they think they don’t need to?

Because they are Lazy assholes! They don’t see it as a partnership - it’s woman’s work and they are so tired from being the big man that they can’t possibly do their share.

Put the wedding on indefinite hold, split the jobs, do a rota for meals and give yourself a goal of a year and if he’s doing great then marriage can be put back on the table, if not then leave.

“His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him”.

Unfortunately, he has been ‘taught’ that the womenfolk do everything for him.

Certainly have The Chat, although it sounds like you have already tried.

I think one of the biggest things is to stop enabling his behaviour. Don’t make a cup of tea. And turn it around. He if asks/demands one, say ‘if you’re making one, can I have one please?’. Don’t automatically make one for him.

And do as @mmn123 sats if you want to save the relationship.

Definitely don’t marry him. My DH is like this. He’s just had 2 weeks off work and has done nothing. Not even fed the kids when he’s feeding himself! (Kids are old enough to make sandwiches but if you’re feeding yourself you should ask others if they’d like something). I work 6 days a week and come home to all I can describe is a shit state. Yesterday asked him to empty dishwasher - he said he didn’t have time as was sunbathing. Today he hasn’t got the time to take his car to get a tyre fixed as he wants to relax before starting work at 2pm - his car so I won’t do it. He made a bbq yesterday die himself!!!

For himself!

You say you were both raised in the country where men worked and women were at home .Newsflash not the case now! Honestly assuming your DP is of a similar age to you this sort of backward crap just doesnt cut it anymore! My PIL (both passed now sadly) were working and sharing household duties in the 60s and 70s FFS! What kind of good qualities does he have?Not seeing many here TBH.As others here have said, this will get much worse if you have DC .Then you will have 2.4 children plus one spoilt manchild, plus working even P/T as a Nurse and you will be 100% knackered! Bin Bin Bin while you are young enough to find someone who appreciates you .

Do not marry him and for gods' sake don't get pregnant by him. he is showing you who he is. Believe him, he is not going to change. When you leave him he may promise to change but any such efforts will be temporary and brief.

You are worth more than this. There are plenty of men who are decent people who are willing to form a true partnership where each adult bears half the burden of running a home together (and has a proper appreciation of how hard and tiring your work is). This disappointing specimen can and should be rejected as a potential mate, he is not worth the effort.