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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

289 replies

Las909090 · 09/08/2020 20:14

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

OP posts:
newtb · 09/08/2020 20:32

Please don't marry him, he'll only get worse.

Bananabread8 · 09/08/2020 20:33

I agree with others don’t get married yet. Can you pin a rota of house chores on the fridge or something. Tick the things that you have done. Then there’s no way he can get out of you have not been doing anything.

If he envy’s you’re shift pattern so much he can become a health care in the NHS and participate in working nights and days in the same week!

Metallicalover · 09/08/2020 20:35

I couldn't be with someone like that. He sounds selfish. It doesn't matter if your a nurse or not, you both work full time and you do extra hours as well. You both live in the house therefore you both should both have shared responsibilities at homes
He's not very considerate of you either! I'm a nurse and work 13 hour shifts and my tea is made for me coming in and we take turns to cook when I'm not late at work.
It will only get worse if your marry him without sorting this out. If he's not going to change then bye bye, it will only get worse if you have children together.

Whoknowswhocares · 09/08/2020 20:36

He knows exactly how hard it is to be a nurse. Everyone knows, especially after COVId with it splashed all over the news every night!

He just doesn’t care. it’s more convenient to him to pretend and get you running around after him.
Stop enabling this scumbag

PinkiOcelot · 09/08/2020 20:36

He sits on his lazy arse until you come in and asks what for tea?! He isn’t a lovely man OP. He’s a nasty, lazy bastard.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/08/2020 20:36

Hi OP I know that 'leave him' sounds slouch a strong reaction to a bit of housework. But I think people saying that have lived through it. Most divorces happen not because of big arguments or affairs etc but because of one partner resenting the other for things like housework. And it sounds like with your partner, his thoughts and feelings about what mens and womens roles are, are so engrained, that you are NOT going to be able to change them. You'll cope til you have kids because it's only an hour a week to clean up after him. Then after that you'll sink because he will leave it all to you, he will carry on as normal while you struggle and resent him sitting on the sofa while you do all the childcare and look after him as well.
Honestly people like this are not respectful, not logical, not fair, and you cant change them

HoneyWheeler · 09/08/2020 20:37

@Whoknowswhocares

He knows exactly how hard it is to be a nurse. Everyone knows, especially after COVId with it splashed all over the news every night!

He just doesn’t care. it’s more convenient to him to pretend and get you running around after him.
Stop enabling this scumbag

This.
peanutbutterandfluff · 09/08/2020 20:38

Get rid whilst you are still young. He will not change.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 09/08/2020 20:38

This isn't going to get any better. He has no respect for you or your job. Why would you want to marry someone who can't even make you dinner and a cup of tea at the end of a long shift?

ScrapThatThen · 09/08/2020 20:39

I mean obviously LTB. But if you are not quite ready to ditch him yet - Tell him you expect equality and since he does nothing for you, do nothing for him. Short term.
Clean half the house every week (the other half the next). Cook and shop wash and iron only for yourself. Use one set of crockery and just wash up yours. Make what he is not doing obvious. Go out when he expects you to be there.
He clearly expects a wife to be lesser and to facilitate his important manly work. You are not lesser, you are more. He should do half the work and respect and treasure you, taking an interest in your work. That's the minimum for an acceptable life partner. I hope you can get out.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2020 20:40

You have been warned

Marry this selfish, lazy man at your peril

dottiedodah · 09/08/2020 20:40

I think he is selfish and rather lazy TBH .Unless he lives in a cave how can he not know what a hard job Nurses have? At the very least try couples counselling for unreasonable behaviour .You may need to rethink this as these patterns of behaviour will rarely change!

Aria2015 · 09/08/2020 20:41

To be honest, this would be bad no matter what your job. If you're both working then jobs at home should be shared full stop. If this pisses you off now, I can tell you that it will only get worse if you get married and later throw a couple of kids in the mix. He's selfish and isn't showing you the love and respect you deserve. The entitlement that he has, thinking all the housework and cooking should fall to you is astounding. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be marrying him.

Aquicknamechange2019 · 09/08/2020 20:43

Please don't marry him. You deserve so much better than this - he doesn't even have the decency to look after you when you've had a long shift. Where is his humanity? Where is the basic kindness?

Samanabanana · 09/08/2020 20:43

He doesn't sound like a lovely man to be honest. There's not a chance in hell I'd marry a man like this and an even slimmer chance I'd have his children. Run for the hills.

Bloodylush · 09/08/2020 20:43

If he can’t put the kettle on after work, what’s he going to be like when you have children?

Standrewsschool · 09/08/2020 20:44

Don’t marry him.

He expects you to do all the housework, and hold down a full time job.

Maybe have one last ditch attempt - even draw up a rota if who does what, and if that fails then leave him.

JammyHands · 09/08/2020 20:45

Bloody hell, don't marry him. Everyone knows how hard nurses work: he's taking the piss.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/08/2020 20:45

You would be unreasonable to stay with him.

He is being very clear about who he is. This his him. Listen to what he is telling you. Ask yourself if this is the life you want?

pollylocketpickedapocket · 09/08/2020 20:46

@Queenoftheashes

Ugh stab him
Wow, could you imagine if this was said towards a female partner!?!?
Clymene · 09/08/2020 20:48

@EmmetEmma

I love my husband, but he is this person and it very nearly has broken us. (We are trying to work through it as we have children).

Tell him everything you have said and if he doesn’t change leave and never look back. In fact, you should probably just leave as I can’t imagine him really changing.

To clarify, I love my husband because we have been through a lot together and he is the father of my children, but I accept that I will never have a truly happy relationship, which is really a partnership based on deep love and respect and sometimes that eviscerates me from nowhere.

When the babies come it will be a fricking nightmare - please don’t marry him (another fellow NHS worker)

I'm so sorry your husband doesn't love and respect you.

OP - if you ignore every other post, read this one.

You deserve a man who is grateful every day to have you in his life, who treats you like the most precious human being in his life.

Not a man who sees you as his cook, cleaner and shag.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 09/08/2020 20:48

You could never have a baby with this man, you would have a breakdown. Is that what you want for your life? Tethered to a useless manchild who wont be fair, wont pull his own weight and is prepared to gaslight you (nurses dont work hard) to maintain an illusion so he can continue to be lazy? I would want more for myself and future children.

WineGummyBear · 09/08/2020 20:49

OP you have a whole life ahead of you.

The man you described doesn't have a shred of respect for you.

It's very easy for internet randomers to say 'leave him'. As if it's that simple when you love him.

But know this. The boards on here (esp aibu & relationships) are full of women who made the decision to stay and have children. It can get lot worse. A man who doesn't see it as his job to have dishes washed and dinner ready for his nurse partner DOES NOT see it as their job to lift a finger raising children.

howfarwevecome · 09/08/2020 20:50

FFS, don't have children with this man. Don't even marry him.

You'd have to live under a rock, on purpose, to pretend he doesn't know what you do or how hard it is to defend making you do all the work at home, too.

kick the arsehole out. Life is too short.

ivfdreaming · 09/08/2020 20:50

What kind of nurse are you?

A&e or intensive care yes if there was a competition between the two of you you'd win.....BUT many NHS nurses don't have the same demands/pressures as others. Not all jobs are created equal

So......yes depending on the specific nature of your job he COULD be more tired than you??

BUT if you are already in competitive tiredness mode it's certainly not going to improve when you have children. And irrespective of what either of you do for a job unless you are a STAHP then daily housework/tidying up after oneself should be shared

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