I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

Tell him that unless he's going to support you both and allow you to stay at home like a traditional man he will need to help.

He can't have a wife who contributes to the family pot and also does all of the household work.

Hypothetically I mean. Don't give up your job lol

Your comment about 'in the country' made me think 'in what country?'. Rural Albania or Afghanistan maybe?

Certanly, people I know who live rurally in the UK do not live like this. Women can even be farmers and rural business owners you know!

He doesn't respect you. Don't marry him, it will only get worse!

Does "in the country" mean "in the 1950s"?.

He won't change. He'll make a token effort for a bit and then slide back to who he is. He is an adult not some naughty child that needs training. This is not yet another chore for you to do. At the moment there is zero respect for you from him.
If you marry him you will end up the house skivvy.

What did he do before you lived together??

Why as a smart independent woman with a responsible job do you put up with that crap attitude??

You don't have to be someone else's lackey...

If you want to continue a relationship ( I wouldn't as wouldn't want sex with not an adult) suggest you live apart again ..

Do not marry this man ....

@pinkstripeycat

Definitely don’t marry him. My DH is like this. He’s just had 2 weeks off work and has done nothing. Not even fed the kids when he’s feeding himself! (Kids are old enough to make sandwiches but if you’re feeding yourself you should ask others if they’d like something). I work 6 days a week and come home to all I can describe is a shit state. Yesterday asked him to empty dishwasher - he said he didn’t have time as was sunbathing. Today he hasn’t got the time to take his car to get a tyre fixed as he wants to relax before starting work at 2pm - his car so I won’t do it. He made a bbq yesterday die himself!!!

Do you really have no other options but to stay with this selfish man?

I'd write a list of all the household chores then divide it into two. Give him his list and tell him that's his jobs for the week. If he doesn't do his jobs, leave them, do not do them for him. If it's his turn to cook and you get home from work and he hasn't made anything, cook something for yourself and nothing for him. Tell him you assumed he isn't eating tonight because it's his turn to cook and he hasn't made anything. Don't pick up after him, if he doesn't put his plate in the dishwasher, leave it where he left it (I do this with DP and he will eventually put his stuff in the dishwasher, when he realises that I'm not going to do it and he can't complain because it's his stuff). Eventually he'll get the message but be prepared to live in a mess for a while until he gets the message.

It doesn’t make it right, but I could see how this situation would arise if children are in tow, but for two adult couples working and you somehow became the house maid....that’s just crazy! Your not his mother, he needs to act like a grown up!

Don’t marry him, it will only get worse.

Please don't marry this man. The moment you become his "wife" it will only get worse.

I was in a very similar situation so know first hand. I left and now I'm with someone who values me and we are equals.

When I read theses threads about these poor men who are so tired after a day at work they can’t possibly cook a meal, look after the kids tor basically lift a finger, I wonder - what would happen if they lived alone?

Well some of them do have the attitude that it's woman's work and that is why you have a woman (as well as the sex on tap of course).
My latest ex was like this - he deserves a thread of his own. He once told me I wasn't a proper, real woman because I didn't make his packed lunch and he was too tired from his work to boil water for his thermos flask in the morning.

Once these types live on their own they have to make their own food etc. which they do reluctantly so they don't starve/dehydrate while looking for the next mug to take them on and service their every needs.

And a lot of them don't clean at all - the above mentioned ex moved back to his parents after living with me, then eventually got his own flat and at one point I went round there to deliver some stuff belonging to him and it was already (within 2 months of him moving in), absolutely grim - orange mould growing in the shower, shit stains in the toilet, stinking mouldy cheese in the fridge, grime in the sink.

People like that will never learn. They cannot be trained. And I also object to the PP way back on the thread who implied they are lazy until they meet a woman who won't put up with it - ie. if they continue to be a slob we are at fault because we were putting up with it. It's nearly impossible to get lazy bastards like that to change their ways. Whenever I spoke to my ex about cleaning etc. he'd just throw a tantrum and threaten to leave. The previous ex was the same but he'd come out with "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment".
Lazy, entitled behaviour.

Imagine he is your friend/flat share. How does his behaviour look now? Respond as you would to a friend who did this to you.

The “in our culture/region this is the usual set up” is nonsense. You ARE the society. Treat him better than your dearest friend and expect to be treated the same. I’ve been married for a very long time, I would explain what you expect and see if you can work it out.

Don’t marry him. He will not change.
He knows that you work hard, but is trying to undermine you.

As if anyone is thick enough to not be able to fathom what a nurse might be doing all day even if there wasn’t a pandemic.

This, totally.

Dh has occasionally said my job is easy.....all I do is sit at a desk and chat on the phone all day, but it is in jest. He willingly does his fair share of cooking, cleaning and childcare. He probably does more right now as I am spending time encouraging and supporting ds with school which he feels he can't do as he left school with no qualifications (I can't really help with Higher physics either but can support ds how to approach a problem and use available resources to solve).

A pp mentioned training their dh. I had to train dh in cooking, cleaning etc because his mum pandered to him, the difference was he was always a willing student.

The point is we work together as a team not against each other as your dh is attempting. It is not a good idea to go into a marriage with this dynamic unless you are happy to play 2nd fiddle to his importance your entire life.

I agree with PP above .Many women seem to want to "look after" someone ,as your Nursing enables you to do and you feel this is your "role" if you like .Maybe Counselling may help you(you say he lost his DM and SM and GM were running round after him!) This means he expects it as he has not known anything else! Also if you do decide to leave him if he wont change ,dont want to go for that same type again!

He may have good points but do they outweigh the bad ones? If he asks you to make a cup of tea when you're tired, what happens if you say no? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this lazy sod? Surely you've found this out in time before you marry but maybe its time to stand up and give him a final warning "START TO PULL YOUR WEIGHT OR I'M OFF"

@Las909090 yes he sounds like he loves you alright. Belittling your job, not bothering to understand your job, refusing to care for you in any way even when you’re bone tired after a long shift, refusing to cook for you, refusing to do any cleaning and tidying, insisting you do everything at home. What wonderful qualities in a future husband and father.

If you put all this into ‘bad at household stuff’ rather than seeing it as the complete lack of respect for you it is then you will go ahead and marry him and be back on in a few years telling the same story but with children in the mix too.

FWIW my husband and I both work full time. We have never even discussed which of us works harder it’s irrelevant to running our shared home. We share the cooking and cleaning and doing the washing and if I’m feeling tired he will do everything that evening give me a hug and tell me to sit down and relax and watch something nice on tv and he will run me a nice bath to have. That’s what a good man with good qualities who loves you does.

Adding to the chorus of others saying leave him.
My ex was like this, I did 4 x 10hr shifts in operating theatres, once you’re scrubbed in it can be impossible to get a break depending on your patients. I was also pregnant at the time. ExDP worked in a shop, so was on his feet all day and having to be smiley and nice. But would expect me to do all the coooking and cleaning, especially on my days off. Because I had an ‘extra’ day off. Er no fuck face, I work longer days.

Current DP has lower standards around the home than I do, that’s a personal thing, but he pulls his weight, I don’t need to ask because he is a functional human being, not of the arsehole variety.

You need to value yourself more. Don’t marry him love.

Er no fuck face sums it up beautifully.

@Deadringer

Er no fuck face sums it up beautifully.

It's the answer in SO many circumstances! 😂

I have a relative ( also a nurse) who is married to a lazy ass .
She often works long shifts while her good for nothing dh sits on his ass all day ‘working’ on a ‘business’ which he hasn’t made any money from.
My relative is the only breadwinner.
Her dh will not even load the dishwasher. In fact he waits for her to return from work to ‘serve’ his dinner. I kid you not.
A few years ago she had breast cancer. Instead of supporting her physically, emotionally and financially her dh would complain about the fact that he had to take care of the kids and the home and so was tired.
Fortunately, she is in remission, but is still married to this hopeless user.
The irony is that when they were at the dating stage, she told me that he was sexist and probably wouldn’t do anything around the house when they married. Despite there being more red flags than a Communist tea party , she decided to marry this man.
Don’t do it Op

• Definitely believe that nurses ( who are often caring ,nurturing individuals) attract these type of men.

@Las909090

Wow!! I was not expecting to have so many comments already!! Some lovely ones so thank you, and yeah it's quite hard to read the general 'leave him' comments because obviously I do love him and I know he loves me, he has many good qualities but the lack of housework one gets to me. But I'm definitely going to have a proper chat with him about it and explain how I feel, we never have done this yet just the odd comment here or there. His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol

OP, there are numerous threads in Relationships about this very issue. 'Having a chat', well I hope it works but sadly I don't believe it will, in the situation that you describe.

@Deadringer and @Happynow001 I’ll never be poet laureate but I have my own way with words