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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

289 replies

Las909090 · 09/08/2020 20:14

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

OP posts:
fwwaftp · 09/08/2020 21:59

Men like this are redeemable. But it means putting in some time and effort. Like with a new puppy. Only you can decide if he’s worth the effort!`
Once you’ve established whether he’s trainable and ones he’s fully trained, then decide if this one is worth marrying. Because then he will need to do far more. Consider the next 6 months a test run!!!

This gave me a laugh. He's not worth the effort. I really don't see why a busy nurse should have to spend her time training a fucking grown man to clean up after himself, to think of her needs from time to time, to cook some basic meals, to put a fucking plate in the dishwasher. It's absolutely ridiculous.
I can hazard a guess that he is not redeemable and he is not trainable.

Bloody hell, my cat can empty the washing machine all by himself and he didn't need anyone to train him to do it.

Augustseemsbetter · 09/08/2020 22:00

Did they pamper him?

Is what you do pampering him?

As an adult he is responsible for his own behaviour not his family members.

He doesn't sound lovely. Or kind.

OnTheFencePaint · 09/08/2020 22:03

When you have kids your daily housework and life admin increases about tenfold, and this will become a much bigger issue than it is now.

QualityFeet · 09/08/2020 22:04

Kindness is what makes marriages last with love and fun. The kindness that sees you drag your sorry arse up when you are tired to do something thoughtful for your partner who is just back from work, unexpectedly awake, feeling ill etc. The other element is respect for the whole person - for their skills, their character, their job and their values.

He doesn’t respect your job or your right to equal leisure and he is unkind in his thoughtfulness. As a father he will be a disaster.

Stop today. He hasn’t made you tea - eat a take out in the way home, make yourself a sandwich when you get in, so not woek then cook when he is off. Don’t do his washing, ask him to pull his weight or find a cleaner. Use to your frees up time to go out with good people and have a think about what you want life to be. Why are your expectations so low of what a good man is - as described even if not the worst sort yours sounds lazy and disrespectful. You are clearly capable and working hard to compensate for his crapneas. Why?

NoGinNotComingIn · 09/08/2020 22:04

He isn't a lovely man at all, why are you describing him like that? Don't marry him he's a selfish twat.

My mum is a nurse has been for 40 odd years no way could she have done her job, run a house and have a family without my dad's input. She used to moan he didn't clean the bathroom and would struggle to "think" things like dusting needed doing, you can bet if she said "can you dust today" if she was at work he would, he did everything (bar the bathroom lol) cooked etc etc and with the odd rage from my mum over cleaning the bathroom they are still happily married after 44 years. They got together when my mum was training and my dad saw how hard she worked from training he would NEVER question how hard her job was, he knows as he could see by my mum's exhaustion/stress!!!

I'm not sure no matter how "lovely" you think this man is how your relationship will last, you'll end up resenting him, it sounds like the cracks are already forming and you aren't even married. Don't do it.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 22:05

Right now, she thinks a chat will change things.

It won’t.

And unless she tackles this head on, he will take on a couple of minor tasks and expect a sticky star for effort.

So the only way to see if he has any potential as a life partner is to split all the work 50:50 and see if he steps up. She’s already responded to those just saying LTB. Given she’s not about to LTB then this is the next best approach and then re-evaluate in six months.

In the interim, don’t get married and don’t get pregnant. If he’s lovely, in six months you won’t have a problem.

And there are plenty of men who are lazy arses until they find women who won’t put up with that crap. They are capable of stepping up. And it’s very like training a dog actually. It’s what men do to women all the time.

OnceUponAPotato · 09/08/2020 22:05

You’re seeing the problem as he doesn’t help with housework. That’s not the problem. The problem is he fundamentally does not respect you. The vast majority of people would put nursing on the difficult end of the jobs list - even not in a pandemic. He doesn’t because you - a woman - do the job so it cannot be worthy of respect. I’m afraid he won’t ever respect you. You exist to look after him. That’s why everyone is telling you to leave. I know it’s hard to hear, but you won’t ever be truly happy with someone who thinks it’s ok to treat you like this.

Pobblebonk · 09/08/2020 22:05

If he's this useless now, imagine what it'll be like if you ever have children. Tell him you aren't his slave, from now on you won't be doing any of his washing, and there needs to be an even split of all other household tasks. If not, halve your workload by moving out.

DishingOutDone · 09/08/2020 22:06

I'm intrigued how he is lovely, in what way?

And also curious as to how you stay with someone who is obviously quite thick? You sound articulate and as a nurse will be well educated, yet you live with a man who doesn't know what a nurse is?

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 22:07

@fwwaftp

Men like this are redeemable. But it means putting in some time and effort. Like with a new puppy. Only you can decide if he’s worth the effort!` Once you’ve established whether he’s trainable and ones he’s fully trained, then decide if this one is worth marrying. Because then he will need to do far more. Consider the next 6 months a test run!!!

This gave me a laugh. He's not worth the effort. I really don't see why a busy nurse should have to spend her time training a fucking grown man to clean up after himself, to think of her needs from time to time, to cook some basic meals, to put a fucking plate in the dishwasher. It's absolutely ridiculous.
I can hazard a guess that he is not redeemable and he is not trainable.

Bloody hell, my cat can empty the washing machine all by himself and he didn't need anyone to train him to do it.

I agree with you. He probably isn’t. But op needs to try it - she’s not going to leave him unless she’s sure he really is a selfish self-centred prick.

So, one chance. Six months. He makes his choice.

jelly79 · 09/08/2020 22:10

Imagine having children with him.

fwwaftp · 09/08/2020 22:12

So, one chance. Six months. He makes his choice.

And when he completes his training course and behaves himself for a few months, they get married..... and he starts being a lazy cock again!

I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this as I have had to LTRs with lazy ass men. The last one did fuck all and just moaned and whinged.
I'd never put up with it ever again and I'm not wasting my precious life training some untrainable fuckwit!
But ok... let the OP attempt the training and see what happens but she has to be absolutely clear and he has to understand that he gets one chance and if he does not buck his ideas up and fast he is out.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 22:14

@fwwaftp

So, one chance. Six months. He makes his choice.

And when he completes his training course and behaves himself for a few months, they get married..... and he starts being a lazy cock again!

I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this as I have had to LTRs with lazy ass men. The last one did fuck all and just moaned and whinged.
I'd never put up with it ever again and I'm not wasting my precious life training some untrainable fuckwit!
But ok... let the OP attempt the training and see what happens but she has to be absolutely clear and he has to understand that he gets one chance and if he does not buck his ideas up and fast he is out.

Six months is a long time. They can fake it for a few weeks. Not for six months!
Fishfingersandwichplease · 09/08/2020 22:14

I would find this really unattractive in a man. The whole who is more tired thing makes my shit itch, that will be a million times worse if you have children OP. Lay the law down now, don't leave it another moment. And thank you for everything you have done working for the NHS.

LillianBland · 09/08/2020 22:22

Six months is a long time. They can fake it for a few weeks. Not for six months!

It’s a blink in the eye of a selfish person. Have you read the threads from posters who have been married for years and the selfish or abusive behaviour only starts when they get pregnant?

Doodar · 09/08/2020 22:22

Why the hell do you run around after him?
NEVER have kids with him.

Seeingadistance · 09/08/2020 22:23

Don’t marry him.

SunshineCake · 09/08/2020 22:25

Oh god, three lines in and I'm thinking and? You don't want this now, another minute, forever so why are you marrying him? He won't change. How can you look at him when he goes quiet when asked to put one plate in the dishwasher without laughing at him. He is a pillock and you are a fool if you stay with him.

Intelinside57 · 09/08/2020 22:26

Not again... he's not lovely and if he really loved you he'd respect you.

TitsOutForHarambe · 09/08/2020 22:26

Don't marry him. Tell him that you are going to go back to living separately because you can't cope with the extra work of looking after him on top of your fulltime job and looking after yourself.

See what his response is. Maybe it will give him a huge kick up the arse, or maybe it won't. Either way at least you have your answer about whether or not you two can have a future together. I know it's hard but it's better to find these things out sooner rather than later

Sloth66 · 09/08/2020 22:32

Op has diagnosed this man herself as being selfish.
Would you really ever want someone you care about- maybe your daughter - to be in a relationship with someone like this? I’d call it abusive and manipulative.

Isthisit22 · 09/08/2020 22:36

You're absolutely wasting your time having a proper chat with him. He is fully aware of all of it. But it suits him perfectly to be waited on hand and foot. He will not change.
You will end up leaving him over it one day: do it now before you have children and save yourself time and heart break.

trixiebelden77 · 09/08/2020 22:37

Forget selfish, I wouldn’t marry someone this stupid.

‘I dunno what nurses do’, really?

Also, non-shiftworkers who have no empathy are terrible to live with as a shiftworker. Their obtuseness really grates.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 22:37

@LillianBland

Six months is a long time. They can fake it for a few weeks. Not for six months!

It’s a blink in the eye of a selfish person. Have you read the threads from posters who have been married for years and the selfish or abusive behaviour only starts when they get pregnant?

Not convinced they are necessarily the same cohort although they may overlap.

Some men are lazy because they have been allowed to be lazy. Once it’s not allowed they stop being lazy. I accept it’s rare.

Whereas men who are not lazy can be selfish and abusive further down the line.

Not sure there is strong evidence of what predicts an abusive marriage but laziness is certainly a red flag for an unhappy marriage.