I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

[Doingmybest4u]

I could have written this 15 years ago. I married him. Please please don’t do the same. These men have been conditioned to be lazy and entitled, wrapping it up in ‘my job is harder than yours’. You’ll end up doing everything - managing the kids, all your diaries, food shops etc etc and be left with nothing for you.
Hard and painful though it will be - get out now. Please.

[Sally2791]

Be very glad he has shown you who he is before you marry him. What meaningful relationship can you be having if he has no interest in your career other than something to compete about? He won’t/can’t change for the better. Leave while you can .

[Kaykay066]

Nursing is mentally and physically draining and more so now with all the ppe and the heat I’m drained most days and I only work part time, tell him to feck off although I make sure I do my own meals on day shifts as it’s too late to eat when I get home at 9 so boyfriend has a dinner at lunch Time at work so he just has a snack with me when I get in and then it’s bed. I wouldn’t make it a thing but do tell him you do a weeks worth of hours in x shifts and those are your days off what does he do on his days off? He sounds like a right twat tbh

[GabriellaMontez]

Omg dont marry this man. Find so done who loves you enough to be a team. Share the load. Offer support in whatever form that may need to take.

Not some tool who wants to compete over who had the hardest day.

[Yellow1793]

@YourObedientServant. My DH tells me he is an only child, but apparently he has an identical twin in your husband! Not married as long as you, but very much recognise the earning potential being the get out clause. We Can afford to outsource everything, and do. But I’ve told him I’m not paying for a house keeper because he can’t be bothered to put his dirty laundry in the laundry basket.

[SleepingStandingUp]

You won't.

Don't marry him and for goodness sake don't have a baby unless you're ready to do all that alone too.

Is be telling him the wedding is of unless he proves he actually respects and cares for you

[notforonesecond]

You don’t need to get through to him, you need to bin him off and only marry someone who respects you.

He knows how hard your job is, he just doesn’t care. And you know that really, don’t you?

[YourObedientServant]

It's so difficult to see it at the stage you're at, just about to get married, no kids but honestly, I would recommend you do not marry this man.

My DH is wonderful in many ways but is a lazy bastard around the house. His superior intellect and earning potential seem to preclude him from cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning etc. He will do the odd thing if specifically asked but nothing otherwise.

I do love him and his many good points and I accept this is our life together, but this same issue has come up time and time again over our 15 year marriage. It has led me to a life of frustration and resentment (as well as domestic drugdery!) and at the moment we have weekly cleaning/ironing services to paper over the cracks but I appreciate that's a massive luxury.

Run. While you can, please run.

[MulticolourMophead]

Any chat with this bloke is going to do bugger all.

He's grown up being pampered, so he's not going to want to change that. And a chat will do nothing, I reckon he'll twist it round on you, OP.

I left someone like this, but in my case it was after 30 years, and with DC. I was broken, and he'd got housework avoidance down pat, right to using the DC to do so much of what he should have been doing, while he sat on his lazy arse.

Life for me and DC is so much better these days. We all muck in, and do a fair share.

OP, don't marry this bloke, his type never change.

[angelfishrock]

men like that don't change. Only you can change the man you are with. He is a lazy entitled self absorbed brick. You cannot talk him out if that.

are you planning children? Don't - otherwise you will have 2 DC to look after. Really it is a recipe for disaster. You are still young, no kids and not yet married. Much easier to call it all of now rather than a few years down the line with children thrown into the situation too.

[Happynow001]

Hello @Las909090

How are you getting on? Did you manage to have your chat with him? 🌹

[Choochoose]

Some people think we have it good having four days off a week but they just don't get how difficult it is when we're in work

I used to work shifts (not nursing, but emergency services), and the inability of people to comprehend that you still did a full weeks worth of hours was astounding.

[flirtygirl]

Op come back with an update after your chat.

[username58]

I'm a nurse too, I work in intensive care. I had a really tiring long day shift on Sunday and came home and fell asleep on the sofa within 10 minutes of sitting down. Some people think we have it good having four days off a week but they just don't get how difficult it is when we're in work. This guy sounds like he needs a proper talking to.

[wildcherries]

And HOW BLOODY DARE YOU blame women for your husband being a lazy, selfish wanker. How dare you.

This is harsh but true. The way he acts is a choice, OP. His choice.

[MitziK]

@madcatladyforever

Men like this leave you when you get old.

And when you have a baby. Because you aren't putting them first anymore.

Normally for the youngest possible girlfriend whom they can convince you trapped them/wouldn't sleep with them/expected them to take on all the cooking, cleaning and childcare after a long day at work whilst you sit on your backside and watch TV.

[fwwaftp]

@madcatladyforever

Men like this leave you when you get old.

And threaten to leave several times before that if something doesn't suit - eg. if their home isn't clean and tidy enough for them; if they don't like the food provided; if their wife doesn't pack the right food in the packed lunch; if they are asked to please put their dirty cup in the dishwasher.

If the OP marries him he will become even worse. He sounds like the type of man who has particular expectations of a wife which are even more demanding than before the marriage

[madcatladyforever]

Men like this leave you when you get old.

[madcatladyforever]

Chuck this moron out now he isn't good enough for you.
I spent the best part of 20 years being a maid and servant to a man like this whilst working full time in the NHS until three years ago when I finally snapped. All those years wasted on that twat.
Find a man who is caring and living. You will never be more than a servant to this guy and it will not end well. Tell hi. The wedding is off until he can show you you are his equal not just another woman there to look after him.
Please dont throw your away on this manike I did. Believe me when I say they DO NOT change.

[InescapableDeath]

Has this man ever lived on his own?

[HerNameWasEliza]

Hi OP. I can hear how difficult this is for you. You say he loves you - and maybe he does. But he does not respect you and that's vital for a healthy relationship. If you have spoken about this ever before and he's ignored it, do you think talking again will make a difference? Being brought up like that does not explain it all. He is also not monitoring your needs at all and not reflecting on his own assumptions and sadly I think that is because deep down he thinks it is your job to look after him because he works harder or is worth more, or really because he's a man. I see no harm in spelling out for him that this changes now or things end, but if you make it 100% clear and he does not change immediately then please do consider whether you want to stay with him as this is what it will be like forever - until you have kids at which point he will still do nothing and still believe that he's the only one working hard .

[Bananalanacake]

Is it your house or his. Can he move back out and give you space, you can still date him if you really want to.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Essentially, at a time in need, he’s failed you. Get rid.

[AlwaysCheddar]

If your dh won’t help out during a pandemic when nurses have been super busy, then he’s super thick as shit. Leave him. He will not chance but only get worse. He’s a tosser.

[QueenOfPain]

GET RID!!