I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

I sympathise, (40 years nursing) 3 kids with first H, 1 with second, he could never "get it", that I just before retiring worked 12.5 hour night shift, plus a100 mile round trip commute. When something needed doing, "but you are at home all day". I wasnt nursing when I met him, my lovelly late DM had just died, because the GP where Iworked messed up, went back to secretarial work where I met 2nd H. With 4 kids it was easier to go back to nursing and work nights..no childcare issues. Before we bought our house, council workmen would turn up, I had a proper laminate sign on the door saying I was sleeping after a night shift, neighbours, knocked, people thought it was OK, in the end I said "give you your home number I will wake you up after you have had maybe 1 hours sleep (I could never get back to sleep) they always said it was different, or thought you slept all night, yeah on a hyperacute stroke unit!!.

@Whoknowswhocares

Seriously, why do people always describe these lazy idiots as ‘lovely’

It is not lovely in any way, shape or form. He couldn’t give a toss how tired you feel or how stressed you are. Just that he wants an unpaid maid service.
No way would I be considering a future with someone who gave me so little consideration.

Exactly.

Also, OP, do you really think that you are unreasonable? Serious question.

Do not marry this man. Do not have children with this man.

What shines out from your OP is that he is only willing to accept that things are real, if he knows about them, preferably has experienced them, himself. For him, your life experience, your hard-won knowledge, your testimony, are worthless.

Think about that. You and everything you do, see, know and feel, are irrelevant, of no consequence, not actually real, to him or in your relationship, unless he says they are.

Someone who sees himself and his relationship to the world and other people that way, is incapable of love. He can feel fond of you, like a pet, a useful friend. He does not have the mantal or emotional equipment to love you for you, as a separate person who is different form him, yet equally, even more valuable.

He will never see you that way. You are merely an adjunct to his life. An affectionate convenience.

Oh and his default position is that everything you do, feel and experience is less than him and his knowledge and experience.

That is your life, if you stay with this terminally limited little man.

Do not marry this man. He doesn't see you as an equal partner. You are only 30, plenty of time to meet someone else.

He sounds like a thick, idiotic twit. Life is too short.. he sees you and your work as less important than his and you will always be in a constant battle to prove yourself to him... it's not worth it, if he loved you he would not treat you like that.

"Some men are lazy because they have been allowed to be lazy."

But I would counter this with - some men have the intuitive decency to not act like a lazy arse regardless of how they have been brought up or 'allowed' to be.

My DM is fond of telling the story of her eldest brother whose wife was basically the family servant - in that she scurried around after husband and two sons basically pampering and fussing and doing everything for them. Their family "piece de resistance" of helping out was that on Christmas Day, husband and sons would actually clear the table and carry the dishes to the kitchen for her to wash everything up - as opposed to leaving them on the table for her to carry them out to the kitchen to wash up, which they did every other day of the year.

My DM looked at this relationship as a teenager and basically went 'uggh, if that's marriage, I'm staying single forever' (she did go on to marry and have DC but on her own terms and to someone who saw marriage and domesticity as a partnership, not a 'lazy master and exhausted servant' scenario - so in essence she actively broke the family cycle).

But interestingly both the two sons in this situation grew into decent adult men who shared the domestic load and would never dream of treating their wives in the way their own father treated his. Very possibly because they, too, had the intelligence, common sense and decency to recognise that it wasn't fair or right - regardless of the 'example' they had been shown.

What worries me about your fiancé, OP, is a complete lack of this intuitive decency or natural sense of what is fair. And I'm not sure he will ever develop it from what you've said. Nothing to do with him being 'pampered' and everything to do with a deficiency in his own character.

The good news is he will change as time goes on, the bad news is that he will get worse. In your shoes I would cook, clean etc for myself, no way would i do anything for that lazy arse of a man.

He will only get worse. Don't marry him. If/when you have kids it will be 10 times worse. You deserve better than being someone's skivvy (from another nhs nurse).

For the love of God, PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

His attitude towards women is likely to be deep-seated: he will not change. Please don't sign up for a life of being disrespected and treated like a drudge. You will slowly go mad, and if you love him now, believe me you won't in another few years.

Oh no, he will likely get worse when you are married as he will feel like be can make zero effort once you're fully committed, and if you do want children, definitely don't unless you're sure he has changed.

What exactly are his good qualities?!

I'm also a nurse in the NHS, I work 34.5 hours a week, so I do three 12.5 hour shifts a week (with an unpaid one hour break), and have four days off. My boyfriend runs his own business and works long days, but he:

• Often makes me breakfast in bed before I go to work, just a cup of tea and some toast, but it's lovely.

• Always makes me some tea in a travel mug to take with me on the drive to work.

• Has dinner ready for me when I get home from work, asks me about my day, and gives me a foot rub.

• Drives me to and from work when I'm on nights (I hate driving after a night shift, always scared I'll fall asleep at the wheel).

I do things for him too, make him breakfast in bed (though he probably does it more than me), and make most of our lunches and cook dinner on my days off. Housework is mostly 50/50.

When covid started I got redeployed to a covid ward I wanted him to move out in with his friends or parents as I was scared of making him sick, but he refused and tbh I really don't know how I would have coped with the last 5 months without him.

If I got home from the 3rd 12.5 hour shift in a row and he asked me to make him a cup of tea I'd be speechless

Please do not have children with this man. Ever. Get a better model!

It doesn’t matter what your job is or his job is. You both work full time so should share equal responsibility for the housework. He is refusing to do so. He has absolutely no respect for you and is a lazy arse to boot. It doesn’t matter how he has been raised. It is not your job to be his servant, and it is certainly not your job to nag him in order to get him off the sofa once in a while. How on earth can you love such a dickhead? I’d ditch him and find someone who deserves you.

Come on, you can't describe a complete idiot and then say you're going to marry him without telling us why. AnyFucker's rumour of a gold plated cock springs to mind.

im so sorry op he sounds horrible. how DARE he talk to you like that, belittle you, make you feel like shit in your own home. how dare he speak about your vocation in that way, as if it's not important.

please leave. you deserve so much more than that.

Oh and what's the point of a 'partner' who can't look after you?

What would happen if you ever became unwell? What if you had kids and then became unwell? If a child was unwell? This man would need to call in his / your mum, another relative or friend to look after you / them - because he can't even make you a cup of tea! A single, little, paltry cup of tea.

mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol Please stop blaming women for adult men not doing their fair share. It's misogynistic.

@HollowTalk

Come on, you can't describe a complete idiot and then say you're going to marry him without telling us why. AnyFucker's rumour of a gold plated cock springs to mind.

Wouldn't a gold plate cock chafe a bit?

His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol

And of course it's all women's fault why he's a lazy twat

It's obvious you'll marry him the way he is, don't say we didn't warn you 'lol'

Don't just have a talk with him. Put some force behind it. Put the wedding on hold. A few months isn't long enough for a change of the magnitude you are asking to take a firm hold.

It's good that you've realised this now. Many women don't realise quite how uneven things are until they are already married or, worse, have kids. It's the sort of thing that starts out being a little irritating but over time it will kill your love for him, not to mention wear you down and suck joy out life..

You've already noticed it and you've mentioned it. You've asked him to do things and he still doesn't take responsibility, still acts selfishly when you need him to be generous in little ways. So don't just have a talk with him. Make plans for what you will do if he doesn't change. Make it clear to him it isn't good enough. And please, value yourself enough to walk away.

(Also, make sure you have good contraception in place.)

Having been in hospital recently OP, I don't know how you do it. The nurses were run off their feet but so brilliant.
Please rethink your future plans. This is not normal in a relationship. It should be a partnership, not all one way with you doing the running. You are worth more than this and should find someone who truly makes you happy and valued.

If you marry and have children with this man he will get worse. His disrespect and disregard for you will kill any love you once had. Then you have decide between divorce or a miserable existence. I speak from experience and have chosen divorce but its not an easy ride so best to jump ship whilst you still can.

Your second post tells me you're in denial.

Please don't marry this selfish, lazy man.

He is a manchild. Leave him, do NOT have children with him.

What would be your thoughts if this was your daughter talking about her future husband?
Even if he gives you the best sex ever He’s a knob and won’t change. Leave now before it’s to late