I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

[Pobblebonk]

A man who starts sulking if he's asked to put a plate in the dishwasher isn't "trainable". He's a man who thinks his partner should be his servant.

[Angelina82]

Even if you didn’t work at all this wouldn’t be on! You are not his slave. Tell him to make his own fucking cups of tea and dinner.

[dottiedodah]

NannyBeachThat sounds tough! My friend divorced her DH for this same reason!Also that with 2 little girls to look after as well, he would expect her to help him with admin for his accountancy business ! And couldnt accept that because she "only worked 3 nights" would not have loads of "spare time " left over ! Why he is now an ex!

[dottiedodah]

Pinkstripeycat/Are youbeing serviced /WTAF is going on here?! We are in the 21st century, and these selfish entitled men are being able to piss all over us and get away with it! My DH is not perfect by any means ,but will wash up /hoover and prep veg /walk dog ,clean loos and I am a SAHM with older DC!As said in an earlier post his DP both worked in the 1960s /70s and shared the load!This is just laziness and entitlement Im afraid!When my DS went to Uni he couldnt cook ,and had never done his washing as I had done it for him as many mums do .No matter soon learnt(long way home for dinner 250 mile round trip!)and can wash with the best of them!

[LannieDuck]

OP, I'm curious about his thinking.

You both work FT, so why does he feel he doesn't need to do any of the housework? Does he admit he sees it as your job, and that he shouldn't need to do any of it because of his magical penis?

[nannybeach]

Dottiedodah, I think its because his M walked out when he was little, went off with another Man, he married wife no:1, who neither went out to work OR had kids, yet often, he would come home after sometimes very long shifts, and cook, she didnt drive, so he would go and pay bills and shop. (It transpred she was "busy", meeting other blokes, etc. I think by the time I came on the scene all Nursey and caring, I was the Mother figure he had never had. He was a latch key kids, having to look after younger sinblings at 8, He didnt think nursing was physical, huh, when I trained in 72, beds didnt "pump up", we lifted the patients, in and out of the old "Nightingale" beds

[MsEllany]

Well clearly the ‘leave him’ messages will be ignored . He’s a lazy cunt, more fool you for having another ‘talk’ with him - @Deadringer is right - he will change, he will get worse. Welcome to your 30s and 40s of domestic drudgery.

[Birdsong20]

You will NEVER get through to him. NEVER marry or have children with him. He is not a nice person if he is that selfish.

[EKGEMS]

I'm an RN and work full time in a hospital in the States and it is utterly stressful both physically and mentally. I challenge the people who've said similar to me about "only working three days" to get a grip-not every nurse is cut out for the job and they go into other settings or leave the profession altogether. I would not tolerate a significant other speak nonsense like that to me and I would reconsider your future with this spoilt little prince!! You think another conversation is going to make him suddenly see the light?

[sweetieno]

Get rid of him. He sounds like a twat.

[MumW]

He's told you who he is. Run for the hills or at least consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a man child.

[Ineverdidmind]

How can women be with men like this?

You are worth more than this, find someone who values you enough to treat you with respect. He's not a good man, if he actually cared then he'd want to have dinner ready for you when you get home sometimes because its nice to do nice things for the people we care about.

Value yourself more, you can do better.

[TheBlessedCheesemaker]

So depressing. OP will convince herself we have misunderstood him or not taken everything into account.
She will go ahead with the wedding
She will have a miserable marriage
God help her is she has children with this arsewipe.

[MustShowDH]

This must be very tough for the OP to read. I doubt she's coming back.
I hope she takes the 250+ posts on board though.

[QueenOfPain]

GET RID!!

[AlwaysCheddar]

If your dh won’t help out during a pandemic when nurses have been super busy, then he’s super thick as shit. Leave him. He will not chance but only get worse. He’s a tosser.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Essentially, at a time in need, he’s failed you. Get rid.

[Bananalanacake]

Is it your house or his. Can he move back out and give you space, you can still date him if you really want to.

[HerNameWasEliza]

Hi OP. I can hear how difficult this is for you. You say he loves you - and maybe he does. But he does not respect you and that's vital for a healthy relationship. If you have spoken about this ever before and he's ignored it, do you think talking again will make a difference? Being brought up like that does not explain it all. He is also not monitoring your needs at all and not reflecting on his own assumptions and sadly I think that is because deep down he thinks it is your job to look after him because he works harder or is worth more, or really because he's a man. I see no harm in spelling out for him that this changes now or things end, but if you make it 100% clear and he does not change immediately then please do consider whether you want to stay with him as this is what it will be like forever - until you have kids at which point he will still do nothing and still believe that he's the only one working hard .

[InescapableDeath]

Has this man ever lived on his own?

[madcatladyforever]

Chuck this moron out now he isn't good enough for you.
I spent the best part of 20 years being a maid and servant to a man like this whilst working full time in the NHS until three years ago when I finally snapped. All those years wasted on that twat.
Find a man who is caring and living. You will never be more than a servant to this guy and it will not end well. Tell hi. The wedding is off until he can show you you are his equal not just another woman there to look after him.
Please dont throw your away on this manike I did. Believe me when I say they DO NOT change.

[madcatladyforever]

Men like this leave you when you get old.

[fwwaftp]

@madcatladyforever

Men like this leave you when you get old.

And threaten to leave several times before that if something doesn't suit - eg. if their home isn't clean and tidy enough for them; if they don't like the food provided; if their wife doesn't pack the right food in the packed lunch; if they are asked to please put their dirty cup in the dishwasher.

If the OP marries him he will become even worse. He sounds like the type of man who has particular expectations of a wife which are even more demanding than before the marriage

[MitziK]

@madcatladyforever

Men like this leave you when you get old.

And when you have a baby. Because you aren't putting them first anymore.

Normally for the youngest possible girlfriend whom they can convince you trapped them/wouldn't sleep with them/expected them to take on all the cooking, cleaning and childcare after a long day at work whilst you sit on your backside and watch TV.

[wildcherries]

And HOW BLOODY DARE YOU blame women for your husband being a lazy, selfish wanker. How dare you.

This is harsh but true. The way he acts is a choice, OP. His choice.