I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

[FilthyforFirth]

First things first do not marry or have children with him. Things will get worse and they already sound pretty dire.

Second, raise your standards! You are a nurse during a fucking pandemic for crying out loud. Of course he knows how hard it is. But it suits his lazy agenda to make you out to be the bad guy.

UGH.

[Viviennemary]

Don't marry him. Unless you still want to be posting here in a few years saying he's got worse than ever. He needs to do a fair share.

[Pacif1cDogwood]

Las, I am sorry that comments are quite as unanimous - this must be hard to read/hear.
Hope you are ok and feel supported, rather than shouted at - that is not the intention, I am sure.

[Hairthrowaway]

@Hairthrowaway

You’re fundamentally different people - I can see how this marriage would work. I’m sure you can already foresee issues.

Should say CAN’T see how this marriage would work!

[Pacif1cDogwood]

I think many of us find your OP hard to read.

[Bluetrews25]

Sorry, OP, guessing this is quite upsetting to read.
As an NHS nurse you deserve to be treated with respect and have someone who will cherish you.
Heck, doesn't everyone?

Another NHS worker here.

[ilovesooty]

It sounds as though cultural norms have affected yours and his expectations.

You deserve much more respect than this - and no, this is not lovely behaviour. Get rid before you're tied down by marriage and children.

[EachandEveryone]

I do the same hours as you and Im numb with tiredness when I get home. A cup of tea shower and bed. I couldnt even bothered to speak to anyone. Move out before its too late.

[MustShowDH]

I'm a SAHM now because I couldn't cope with working and doing everything.
I've lost my career and my identity.
I don't mind the general household stuff that is now my job, but I really resent cleaning up after my DH.
Do you really want a life of picking up his dirty underwear because he can't be arsed to put it in the laundry bin? Or cleaning skids off the loo because he was running late for work?
It has ruined our marriage and he wasn't like this before we had DD.

I wish I'd had the warning you are getting before it was too late.

Don't settle.

[drinkingwineoutofamug]

@ivfdreaming

What kind of nurse are you?

A&e or intensive care yes if there was a competition between the two of you you'd win.....BUT many NHS nurses don't have the same demands/pressures as others. Not all jobs are created equal

So......yes depending on the specific nature of your job he COULD be more tired than you??

BUT if you are already in competitive tiredness mode it's certainly not going to improve when you have children. And irrespective of what either of you do for a job unless you are a STAHP then daily housework/tidying up after oneself should be shared

Doesn't bloody matter what job op has as a nurse! Each nursing job has its own stresses

[mummmy2017]

Maybe time you tell him since he wants a housewife who does everything you are going to quit work and he can keep you.
When he screams no. And he will ask him if he wants a modern relationship, in which you both earn and both keep house.
Tell him he can choose.
Either he changes or he keeps you.

[katy1213]

Don't marry him. Truly, do not find yourself tied to a man you have grown to despise a few years hence when it''ll be much tougher to walk away because you have children. 'Gets all quiet' when he's asked to put a dish in dishwasher ... he could 'get all quiet' after I broke it over his head! Let him slope off back to the mother who did such a sorry job raising him and she can wait on him and foot if she likes, it's not your life's work.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

This is how you get through to him. "This isn't relationship isn't working for me. I don't enjoy being your skivvy, nor can I tolerate you ignoring how close to exhaustion I am sometimes. You don't show any care for me, just for how useful I am to you around the house. I would have a better quality of life as a single woman. You have X amount of time to think this over, if you don't demonstrate that you understand that I am your equal and not your servant by that time I'll be cancelling the wedding. If you shout or try to bully me into backing down I will cancel the wedding immediately. I can't live this way for the rest of my life it's just too dreary."

[QueSera]

Why are you even with this man? He is horrible, disgusting. He has no respect for you, and I imagine has no respect for women in general. Your post is just heartbreaking to read. I can't believe there are so many scummy men out there. Please do not continue this relationship.

[Ineedamuchbiggerhouse]

At the very least I would print out this list of comments, leave it with him with a note detailing how you really are going to end up resenting him and that you will be cancelling the wedding if he can't grow up and take 50/50 responsibility. Ask him to consider what kind of a father he will be and what kind of an example he will set to his sons and daughters (if you are planning a family). It is so hard living with that kind of crushing resentment OP, and it chips away at the love and romance very very quickly. Leave him to his own mess for a while. See if he can pick it up when he's on his own and learn to appreciate you. However do beware as these types are very good at pretence.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

This sounds miserable.

Why does he think he's more important than you?

Why do you mostly act like he's more important than you?

[GennyCrabby]

If he doesn't "get it" after the last few months, my jaw is on the floor.

I don't think your situation is going to improve

[Jux]

Leave him now before you marry him, before you have children with him.

He will get worse. As long as you let him do this he will do it and he will expect more and more from you until you are a hollow shell and have no idea who you are. He will become angry and complain; and then one day he'll hit you. The damage will have been done long before then though.

You're 30 years old. You've wasted a tenth of your life on him. Don't waste any more.

[SkyeIsPink]

It doesn't matter what kind of work you do, housework should be equal.

I am with most of the other posters on here, I think marriage is a bad idea.

[Sloth66]

A good man wouldn’t ever expect tyou to rustle up a meal after you’ve worked 12 exhausting hours in a tiring job. He’d have something cooked and ready for you, understanding that partners support each other.
If you have children, expect to be exhausted caring for them and running a household pretty much single handed. Who would willingly sign up for that sort of life?

[aceyace]

I second that you will have a breakdown if you have children with this man!
You will be EXHAUSTED, DOWNTRODDEN and LONELY!

[Chels182]

Oh OP 😞

You should be with someone that valued your worth and what you achieve and what you do with your life. He should be interested in your job, ask about it and above all appreciate it!! Any normal human being would do so to any NHS worker, especially a nurse during this time.

I’m only at the beginning of my nursing journey, applying to universities and my bf already is aware of the life of a nurse and is more supportive than ever, brings me a cup of tea even if I’m just studying. He has had his days, where I have exploded and felt like I was doing too much, but I communicated and he is finally understanding and helpful. My brother said most men don’t really mature until late twenties and I actually think this is true. If he was still lazy past a year no way would I stay with him, imagine what he would be like with a baby? Or 2?!

Have a serious conversation with him (if you havent already) but I would seriously not commit to someone like him, no matter what good points he has, there’s not justifying these bad points.

If it doesn’t get better it will only get worse!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?"

YOU. CANNOT. GET. THROUGH. TO. HIM.

YOU. WILL. NEVER. GET. THROUGH. TO. HIM.

THIS. IS. THE. REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE. IF. YOU. MARRY. HIM.

Sorry to shout Las909090 but I really think you need to take this on board. This is who he is. It's not that he doesn't understand - everyone understands what nurses do. It's that he sees you as his all-singing all-dancing domestic appliance. Why should he lift a finger - isn't that what you're for.

No doubt at this point you're saying something along the lines of 'But I love him!'. Maybe you do - but it's irrelevant whether you do or you don't. It won't make a jot of difference to how he treats you. There is no level of loving him that will change his behaviour. This is how he wants to be, AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Don't make the mistake of thinking that if he loved you he would change. He won't.

So you can make a choice - marry him and accept that this is how it is now and it will only ever get worse since he will undoubtedly lift not a finger when you have children and all the extra work that comes with them. He sees you as his skivvy. Why have a dog and bark yourself? Why make my own cup of tea when I can tell Las909090 to do it?

Or - you can choose not to marry this man and move out to your own place (or share with friends, family etc). Set some boundaries, refuse to be treated like some sort of tenth second-class citizen and find a partner worth a damn. This one os not a keeper.

[NoMoreReluctantCustodians]

You're not his partner. You're his (unpaid) servant. Dont marry him. You wont get through to him because the status quo suits him perfectly

[Ineedamuchbiggerhouse]

reading the strength of these comments, I'd be willing to bet that pretty much all of them come from women who have suffered the fate they are trying to warn you against.

Sorry, its a difficult read