I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

[Icloud54]

Even if you wasn't a nurse he should still help around the house, the job is irrelevant!

He doesn't respect you and just sees you as a typical women who should do everything.

Bin him!!

[Sloth66]

Words are cheap, it’s his behaviour you need to look at. Are you really happy to be treated as a subservient skivvy, running around after him? He doesn’t treat you as an equal at all.
If he’s like this now, expect things to get a lot worse in the future if you have kids with him.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Your partner is a spoilt misogynist.

This is not about your job. You could be the prime minister. He would still see you as the woman who needs to do the domestic chores.

I know it’s hard to hear this, since you love him. But truly this will only get worse. I really would not marry him or join finances with him. And I would certainly not have a child with him until and unless he engages in some couples counselling with you to properly address this.

[LunaTheCat]

I am a health care worker.
My husband works from home.
Every night he cooks me tea.
He cleans the house.
Bottle cold wine in fridge if I want a glass.
I am very lucky and I know my husband loves me.
I would have a very serious talk.
Tell him what you have written
If he expresses no regret and there is no sustained change do not marry this man. When someone shows you who they are then believe them.
I am so so sorry - if you love someone it is an agonising choice.

[dooratheexplorer]

Good luck with that then. It's going to get even better when you have kids.

I left a boyfriend for this reason. Afterwards he said he didn't realise how much I did and how much he missed my cooking.

Don't make life harder than it needs to be.

[Nanny0gg]

@Las909090

Wow!! I was not expecting to have so many comments already!! Some lovely ones so thank you, and yeah it's quite hard to read the general 'leave him' comments because obviously I do love him and I know he loves me, he has many good qualities but the lack of housework one gets to me. But I'm definitely going to have a proper chat with him about it and explain how I feel, we never have done this yet just the odd comment here or there. His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol

You think a chat will fix this?

Good luck.I hope you're right.

But he's a grown up. If he thought of you at all he wouldn't need telling

[shadypines]

My sypathies OP, I'm a retired nurse, perhaps you should write down a description of so he get it into his thick head a typical day in bullet points eg.

1. Walked onto ward with a cardiac arrest in progress, plus an emergency admission.
   
2. Relatives of patient who had recently died present on ward, had to speak to them, very upsetting.
   
3. Took the hand over from previous shift, A LOT to remember. Constant interruptions due to xyz going on.
   

And on and on and on....until every emergency, task and item of patient care is documented. Failing that strap a video camera to yourself (just kidding!) or a pedometer , if I remember my average shift it would probably show up you'd walked at least 5 miles each day and shifted 50 stones in weight, not to mention the constant mental load.

If he still didn't get it and shift his lazy back side to help you then I would consider the use of the word 'partner' as he is certainly not acting like one, as in you're both working together, for and with each other. Like adults. Good luck OP

[Jux]

Well, good luck with your proper chat. Make sure that you are clear about the problem; if he doesn't change (he might keep it up for a couple of weeks....) it won't be because he doesn't understand..

He understands now, btw.

[smartiecake]

Dont play this issue down to yourself. You do a long shift at work, get in and you have no dinner and he wants you to make him a cuppa?? Seriously. He isn't a good partner and it sounds like he doesnt respect you at all. This will get worse, much much worse.
My first thought is also run for the hills. But maybe start with postponing the wedding. And give him an ultimatum over this and see if he can step up. If not, run, as fast as you can.
He is not showing you any thought or kindness or consideration at all. He is treating you appalling. You deserve much better. Do not marry this man

[AnyFucker]

Give me strength. Op has enough on her plate without having shit like this to add to her load.

Men are not like children or dogs. There is no excuse for "not seeing the mess". If they do not intrinsically acknowledge their own role in keeping their environment pleasant and expect someone else to do it they are irredeemable not fucking "trainable"

[tara66]

Ask if he can employ a maid - say 4 hours x 3 a week.

[YorkshireTeaIsTheBest]

@Stopthehop

Don't marry him this will only get worse.

Exactly postpone the wedding.

Give him 6 months to start pulling his weight or ditch the relationship. When you have children -or if you do -I think he will think you are sitting on your arse all day.

[fwwaftp]

He is never going to change. No amount of chats will do any good whatsoever. He goes quiet when you ask him to put a plate in the dishwasher for heaven's sake. That is absolutely ridiculous and there is no excuse for a grown man not being able to do something as simple as that.
He is a lazy cock who thinks you are there to be his servant.

It comes down to this: do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Because this is what it is going to be like FOREVER. Some little chat is not going to change him and if/when you have children it will be even worse.
Take a long hard look at this and decide. Is this want you want the rest of your life to look like? Is this all you deserve?

[uniglowooljumper]

@AnyFucker

Give me strength. Op has enough on her plate without having shit like this to add to her load.

Men are not like children or dogs. There is no excuse for "not seeing the mess". If they do not intrinsically acknowledge their own role in keeping their environment pleasant and expect someone else to do it they are irredeemable not fucking "trainable"

THIS! Training is for dogs. 'Chats' don't work on dogs, either, but you can at least enrol in dog obedience classes and they don't assume they don't have to do FA because you have a vagina.

[brakethree]

You say he's 'lovely', what is lovely about him OP? What does he do to show he respects and loves you.

[fwwaftp]

Men are not like children or dogs. There is no excuse for "not seeing the mess". If they do not intrinsically acknowledge their own role in keeping their environment pleasant and expect someone else to do it they are irredeemable not fucking "trainable"

Absolutely this.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

@MMN123

I would recommend not just having a gentle chat and thinking that will be enough for him to step up.

Men like this are redeemable. But it means putting in some time and effort. Like with a new puppy. Only you can decide if he’s worth the effort!

So. Simple clear rules.

Every household task must be documented and either shared (week on/week off or x days per week each or whatever) or assigned to one or other of you (ensuing equal planning, time, effort and energy required for each person when looking at tasks overall) or splitting tasks per person (eg you do your own washing and ironing only - he can sort himself out).

What works best depends on you as a couple. But you both work full time, you have no children, so every household task from shopping to lawn mowing should be divided between you 50:50.

Once you’ve established whether he’s trainable and ones he’s fully trained, then decide if this one is worth marrying. Because then he will need to do far more. Consider the next 6 months a test run!!!

I honestly think this is such a load of bollocks.

Either he is a fully-functional adult human capable of contributing and pulling his weight or he's not. If he's not, why on earth would you spend time "training" him when there are plenty of men out there who don't need this kind of pandering bullshit?

If an adult wants to be in a happy, functional relationship they'll go the extra mile to ensure it's happy and functional. If they're lazy wankers who do fuckall, it's not because they can't, it's because they're choosing not to.

[Dixiechickonhols]

This is not going to get better. I’d rethink wedding. If you have kids you will do everything. You deserve better. Get out while you are young.

[Clymene]

The only person responsible for your fiancé's shitty, lazy behaviour is him.

What makes you think he loves you? He watches you come go,e from work, dog tired, and wants you to bring him a cup of tea. That is not how someone who loves you behaves.

I know I'm wasting my breath because you'll marry this waste of space because you wish he loved you like you love him and you've got a lovely wedding planned.

And you'll have kids and you'll struggle along but part of you will be resentful and sad and eventually you'll fall out of love with him. But you won't leave because he's a good dad and your daughters love him. And every now and then, you'll think back to this thread.

[Wnikat]

Please please please don’t marry him, if you have children with him your life will be awful.

[silverbubbles]

He doesn't know what you do because he is not interested in what you do. If he is not interested now he never will be. If this bothers you now it will only get worse with time. He will not change.

You do have an option now to avoid a lifetime of this. Listen to what people are saying here.

[SandieCheeks]

Your job is totally irrelevant (and yes of course he knows you work full time and nursing is hard and you are tired).

You have a vagina. Therefore your role in his life is to clean up his shit, feed him and produce cups of tea (and later, children - that you will look after).

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol

He is a fully grown adult male. Don't blame the women in his life for how he chooses to act.

[Faffandahalf]

Your chat will achieve nothing.
How does he show love when he asks you to make him tea after a full day of work?
Why do you put up with someone who can’t put a plate in a dishwasher? Your self esteem must be in the gutter.

You are so lucky you don’t have kids. He will do nothing. You will raise them as a single mother and he will be just an extra child around the house.

Men like this do not ever change. Read the relationship boards and see the story 1000 times over. Do. Not. Have. Children. With. Him. (But your probably will. I despair really)