I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

[Passmethecrisps]

Good lord. If he is lovely what on earth does an utter cock look like? I suspect you have a pretty low bar, OP.

This is not to do with what jobs you do. If you worked in a library or, I don’t know, were self-employed knitting coats for dogs, it makes no difference. He sees you as his personal maid to tell point where he expects you to deliver him tea and make his dinner 100% of the time.

What is it about him that is lovely?

[GeorginaTheGiant]

If he’s like this before marriage and kids what on earth do you think he’ll be like later? He is showing you what life with him will be like (at its best)...why would you sign up for this? You can do better!

[Pacif1cDogwood]

What are his positive points?

He must have many and significant ones to make up for this kind of disrespectful, selfish and plain rude behaviour.

Think long and hard before you agree to tying yourself legally to such a person as this.

He is telling you who he is - please stop and listen to what he is telling you.

[KaleJuicer]

Please don’t marry him. Words can’t describe how much worse this will be if you have children together. You will be operating like a single parent - but worse because you will have an adult man who expects to be waited on. I’ve never ever posted this before but - leave him.

[MitziK]

For fuck's sake, bin him.

He's the sort of person who doesn't care if you've watched ten people die today, he'll want his tea cooked because he 'worked hard' for a couple of hours. Because you don't do anything important or valuable to him other than cook and put out when he's feeling randy.

Just get rid now.

[TatianaBis]

Please get out now.

[TatianaBis]

He’s not a lovely man, he’s a selfish arse. Be honest with yourself OP.

[uniglowooljumper]

The only thing that would be unreasonable, and in fact downright stupid, would be to spend another minute with this sexist person, much less marry him. He doesn't respect you. He sees lifework as women's work. Fuck that.

[LillianBland]

OP, he’s a misogynistic prick and even if you worked five 12 hour shifts a week, he still wouldn’t pull his weight. You’ll also going to end up with him pointing out that he’s ‘keeping a roof over your head’, if you get pregnant and go on maternity payments. Not to mention you’ll be the one looking after any children 24hrs a day, because he not good at that, it’s boring, you’re at home doing nothing all day and I have to work, etc’. It doesn’t matter if you’re from a country with traditional
—misogynistic— roles, there will still be modern men that actually understand that the rolls should be equal and supportive. Set your bar higher, rather than end up in a marriage with daughters that will end up thinking that being a 2nd class human is normal and sons that look down on their own mother.

[Beautiful3]

He is selfish and lazy. I wouldnt marry him unless he helped me 50/50. After all you're both working!

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

This is not good, OP. Has he ever offered you any reason why he thinks you should do all the housework? Is it because he pays more of the bills? Or purely based on you having more days off? Or is it just ingrained misogyny??

Personally, I would sit him down and tell him what you think is fair. Which is normally 50/50 other than extenuating circumstances. Tell him his chores which you will NO LONGER do. For example, he cooks on the nights you work (or orders takeout, whatever), he does his own washing and ironing, he does either bathroom or kitchen every week etc. If he won't, leave. He'll either love you enough to change, or genuinely you are well rid.

[LillianBland]

@ivfdreaming

What kind of nurse are you?

A&e or intensive care yes if there was a competition between the two of you you'd win.....BUT many NHS nurses don't have the same demands/pressures as others. Not all jobs are created equal

So......yes depending on the specific nature of your job he COULD be more tired than you??

BUT if you are already in competitive tiredness mode it's certainly not going to improve when you have children. And irrespective of what either of you do for a job unless you are a STAHP then daily housework/tidying up after oneself should be shared

How the fuck is he going to be more tired than her, when he does fuck all at home?

[Cherrytangfastic]

Sounds like he wants a mummy. Eugh!

[TW2013]

He isn't even managing to look after himself, how is he going to be much use if you have children? Run while you still can.

[DopamineHits]

Is he worth keeping? Imagine trying to bring up a child with him... Throw him back into the dating pool and enjoy some peace and quiet.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

It shouldn't be a competition. It shouldn't matter who is the most tired, the most stressed, or who works the hardest. This isn't two people working together to build a future. This is one person trying really hard and the other letting them.

There are positives here though; not all arseholes are so clearly labelled.

[Danetobe]

Seriously do not marry this person.

[2andahalfpints]

This will not change, sorry op time to call the whole thing off

[Bananabread8]

@LillianBland just because OP gets more days off some weeks doesn’t mean anything. It’s not even worth it sometimes as your that knackered or it’s a quick turn around from days to nights I also wish I worked a 9-5 job at times. Bloody check of you. A day shift for OP possibly starts at 7am!!

[LouHotel]

OP I work for a very large wedding venue and have had my share of cancellations for numerous reasons from brides (usually an affair)

I've also met with couples where I wish the bride would cancel her wedding to the utter twat on the other side of the table.

There is no shame in ending this relationship and cancelling the wedding, why not give yourself breathing room and do it on covid-19 grounds.

[Nanny0gg]

Why do you think he's a lovely man?

If the roles were reversed would you behave like him?

No? He's not lovely.

End it

[MsEllany]

Please please please don’t marry this man. You cannot change him. He doesn’t want to, and why would he when even if this annoys you, you still do everything?

He has no respect for you whatsoever. If you have kids it’ll only get worse, and then you’ll be tied to him for life through them.

[Parker231]

When you both work full time, running the home is a joint 50:50 responsibility. One does the food shopping on the way home from work whilst the other gets a start on the laundry. One cleans the bathroom whilst the other cuts the grass. It’s joint !

[Hairthrowaway]

You’re fundamentally different people - I can see how this marriage would work. I’m sure you can already foresee issues.