I'm a full time NHS nurse, partner thinks it's easy, won't do anything around the house,

[Las909090]

Totally new to this but I'm at the end of my tether here. I don't have kids I'll point that out to start.
I'm a 30yr old nhs nurse, working full time 37.5hrs per week usually with an extra 10hr shift every 2 weeks. My partner has his own fabrication business which he works usually from 8-5ish each day with one employee. We've been together 3 years, living together one and due to get married in a few months. He's a lovely man and has plenty of good points BUT I'm so sick of hearing 'I wish I had 3 days off every week' he does no housework unless I ask him to (things like put that plate in the dishwasher seem to be too much for him to do and he gets all quiet), never cooks at all. I'll come home from horrible shifts late to him asking what's for dinner, he won't ever offer to cook for me, in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.
It's so frustrating because I feel like he always compares my job to his, I try to explain the things I do and see at work but it's like he's in competition with me and always has to make out his job is harder and he works harder. I challenged him about it today and he said 'I don't know if your jobs hard I duno what you do each day' to which I couldn't even reply... Does he not watch the news?! The selfishness of it all is really getting to me. We were both raised in the country where the men worked and the women did all the household things... But these women didn't work full time. I just need to vent!! I duno how to get through to him!?

[DryHeave]

Do not have a child with this man!!

[Las909090]

Wow!! I was not expecting to have so many comments already!! Some lovely ones so thank you, and yeah it's quite hard to read the general 'leave him' comments because obviously I do love him and I know he loves me, he has many good qualities but the lack of housework one gets to me. But I'm definitely going to have a proper chat with him about it and explain how I feel, we never have done this yet just the odd comment here or there. His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol

[Sidge]

It wouldn’t matter if you were a neurosurgeon working a 100 hour week, he still wouldn’t respect you.

His lack of effort at home reflects his lack of respect for you as a person. He is a misogynistic dickhead who sees anything within the home as women’s work.

Someone who won’t even have some food ready when you get home from a 13 hour shift is a selfish knob. (And for what it’s worth @ivfdreaming it doesn’t matter where you work, ED and ITU (whilst stressful and challenging) are no more “worthy” than any other area of nursing. Don’t be so dismissive).

Don’t marry him. You’re worth so much more than this, and deserve a partner who sees you as his equal, not his housekeeper who he can shag.

[EatsFartsAndLeaves]

Do not marry this man, it will get much worse when he has you trapped by marriage or pregnancy.

Read a book called "Wifework" by Susan Maushart, and see if it doesn't help you understand the situation better.

[Jux]

@Disfordarkchocolate

This sounds miserable.

Why does he think he's more important than you?

Why do you mostly act like he's more important than you?

Read that bit again. He has already convinced you emotionally and you've changed your behaviour because of it. You make sure your present doesn't become your future.

[alliwantisagoodnightssleep]

WHY ARE YOU EVEN WITH THIS WASTE OF SPACE!!!

Wouldn’t you be happier to come home from a long shift to your own place, having a long relaxing bath and looking after yourself.

He sounds like a twat. Do not marry him!!

[LillianBland]

OP, it’s not enough for him to say he loves you, he has to respect you and view you as an equal. He’s not doing that.

[Bloodylush]

How does he show he loves you? Because it sounds like he dislikes you. Sorry but he wouldn’t treat you like that if he loved you.

[3littlemonkeys82]

This was a huge contributing factor in the breakdown of my first marriage. He could simply not get his head around the fact that I worked more hours than him, but crucially less days a week. The swapping from days to nights and back again is a killer in itself... 'but you get 4 days off a week' was his stock answer as to why he didn't need to contribute to home life at all. Actually I do 2 12 hr days and 2 12 hr nights and pick up the odd ot shift.

OP I'm now in a relationship with another NHS worker, I honestly think this is one of the reasons there are so many in workplace relationships. Dont marry this twat.

[Rewis]

Wether your job is hard or easy is totally irrelevant. You both work full time and contribute to the household and share the living space. Why should only one of you participate to the upkeep? It's not about housework. It's about respect. You sure it's "easy job" thing and not a because you are a woman thing?

[GlassMarble]

Any selfish attitudes he has now will only grow with time.

Marry him at your peril.

[JulesCobb]

If you marry him, you will be miserable. Dont choose miserable.

[Charles11]

Listen to your instincts. They’re telling you something.
If you do marry him and have kids, expect things to get worse. People don’t usually change.

[Beamur]

Seriously, do not get married until you actually sort this. If he's not willing to pull his weight then you will end up resenting him massively.

[MrsJonesAndMe]

Just cut your losses!

[NewDOOFUSfor20]

Oh god I've been here (A&E nurse here, FT, with child!) and the only thing that turned things on its head was the start of covid. I've lost count of the amount of times I've lost my shit at DH about his lack of any kind of help at home, it's not easy working ft, studying ft, trying to keep house and keep the boy alive...all whilst he did the bare minimum whilst moaning about his ft job (Mon to Friday, 8-5) and stating he'd "love 3 days off a week" 🙄 when covid hit I was forced to leave home for just over a month as our ds is high risk so he was left to do EVERYTHING. When I returned I was met with grovelling apologies after the realisation of how much I shouldered had hit. It's been amazing since.
Maybe he needs a shock?!

[JulesCobb]

I know he loves me
How do you know this? Wjat does he do to make you feel valued?

His mum died when he was a kid and his step mum and grandma pampered him all his life and ran around after him so if any of you out there have sons.... Please don't do this to their future girlfriends lol
This is no excuse. He is an adult and now chooses not to lift a finger in the home.

And HOW BLOODY DARE YOU blame women for your husband being a lazy, selfish wanker. How dare you.

[Moranne]

I think it's fine that he hasn't learned a more equable, responsible, mature way of being an adult. How he reacts to your conversation will be what matters.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

The thing is, you work full time and so does he.

Therefore household tasks should be 50/50. I he can't grasp that then I'd end the relationship, frankly. And if he can't have dinner ready for you on the days you are in late and tired then he's a bit of a twat. He sounds to have very little going for him, to be honest.

He's certainly not kind or loving towards you. And frankly if he were just a flat share he should be doing 50% of the housework - why does he get to do nothing? Is it because of his penis? I didn't realise they were debilitating...

[TorgosPizza]

Honestly? I don't know if you can get through to someone like that. He must know that you have a difficult job. He likely doesn't want to acknowledge that, because it's easier for him if he continues to "believe" that he works harder than you, so he's entitled to laziness at home.

I wouldn't marry a man who was so disrespectful and inconsiderate. If he makes serious changes, maybe, but unless he shapes up, you're signing up for a lifetime of this. And as PP have said, there's every reason to expect that it will only get worse if/when you have children.

[IsaLain]

Do not marry him.

There are better men out there. Leave. Just pack your stuff and leave. Life is too short to live like that.

[yellowymellowy]

Leave him. It will be 100 times worse (no exaggeration) when you have children.

[Billben]

in the evenings when I can hardly move I'm that tired post work hell ask me to go and make him a cup of tea.

😲😡 Holy cow! If that was me, he would be told to fu*ck right off every single time he asks. He would learn pretty sharpish I promise you.

For the sweet love of God don't have a child with him until he grows up. If he does nothing at home now, you might as well be a single mother ‘cos that ain’t never gonna change. If he doesn’t appreciate how hard you work now, just imagine what he’s gonna be like if you stay at home with the baby and “do nothing all day” (because that’s what he’s going to class it as).

[time4anothername]

you are a nurse therefore you are a carer and I wouldn't be suprised if you get a big dose of guilt about thinking about getting looked after yourself and that's holding you there.
This man is very immature being in competition with you all of the time like some sibling rivalry and is unlikely to change his expectation of being pampered. It will only be worse when you have DC and if you need some extra inspiration to get out, men like this often set themselves up in competition to their DC and kill their spirit.

[MMN123]

I would recommend not just having a gentle chat and thinking that will be enough for him to step up.

Men like this are redeemable. But it means putting in some time and effort. Like with a new puppy. Only you can decide if he’s worth the effort!

So. Simple clear rules.

Every household task must be documented and either shared (week on/week off or x days per week each or whatever) or assigned to one or other of you (ensuing equal planning, time, effort and energy required for each person when looking at tasks overall) or splitting tasks per person (eg you do your own washing and ironing only - he can sort himself out).

What works best depends on you as a couple. But you both work full time, you have no children, so every household task from shopping to lawn mowing should be divided between you 50:50.

Once you’ve established whether he’s trainable and ones he’s fully trained, then decide if this one is worth marrying. Because then he will need to do far more. Consider the next 6 months a test run!!!