AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

No YABVVVVVVVVU

Are you saying you contribute equally to the house outgoings? If that's the case, what gives you the right to dictate the comings and going's of the household over her? Would you like it if she suddenly gave you a curfew?

Age is irrelevant in this case, as it the mother / daughter relationship. If she shares the financial burden then she has a right to come and go as she pleases.

You are being quite unreasonable. I lived at home and worked full time when I was 19 and me and my friends went to our local pub quiz which didn’t end until 11. I can't imagine me having to leave half way through the quiz because my mum wanted to go to bed!

I do sympathise with your desire to sleep undisturbed though, and I think if it's causing so much trouble you need to talk to her about moving out. It seems the only solution.

YABU to give a 23 year old a curfew.
You are blessed to have a DD that shares housework and financially pulls her weight so why would you treat her this way?

I totally understand about being a light sleeper; I am a terrible sleeper and would be really hacked off if someone woke me up. But it's not DDs fault that the house creaks and groans.

Have a chat with her and tell her there is no curfew! You need to get some better earplugs and take some over the counter sleeping tablets.

Most 20-somethings can't afford to move out. I had no choice when I was that age and ended up living in grotty house shares for years. Is that what you want for your DD? She'll go permanently one day OP and you'll wish for these days back.

I moved back home for a while after a stint away when I was 20. My mum reverted back to her expectations from before that. In her case it was the where are you going, who with, when will you be back, etc. All perfectly natural. I understood her position and the ‘worry’ that went alongside it. We had a calm, rational conversation instigated by me where I explained that for 2 years she’d not known what I was up to and I had remained safe. I would give her only the information she actually needed (in terms of locking up at night) to allay her fears. Once she backed off (credit to her) I probably ended up giving her more detail!

Take a deep breath, apologise for it spirally into a row and arrange a time to chat later to go over what are reasonable expectations on each side.

Her age is relevant but not because she’s ‘still’ living at home. I would hope that our children would feel comfortable to live at home, come and go as they please whilst remaining respectful of being part of a family and considering other’s needs.

Shes an adult why are you allowing her to pay 50percent of the costs and then dicating what time she comes in? Surely you should charge her a set amount,less than half to enable her to find her own accommodation so she can come and ago as she pleases. Its hard setting up for the first time especially after university, people who I know pay lodge is a small contribution not an even split so it enables them to save for furniture and deposit to get their own accommodation. How is ahe suppose to do this if shes paying half the running costs?

Expecting a working 23 year old to be home and in bed by 10:00 because of your sleep must be ghastly

I suspect you have been controlling and she knows she has to prioritise you even if unspoken.

I understand sleep concerns but they are YOUR issue to deal with. If you wake early can you go back to sleep later, try different sleep aids as light sleep could be peri menopausal. However many people wake early, especially in summer.

As we get older, especially if single, we can get entrenched in not accomodating other people and this can lead to selfishness. I think you might need to take this as a wake up (excuse the pun!) to rethink your coping strategies.

It is very difficult for a adult teen and parent to resume living together after Uni so has to be give & take. She sounds great and I guess she will move out soonish

Half the bills and a curfew!! At 23!!!! Jesus poor girl

I didn't write the OP very well and I'm not trying to drip feed. This is helpful because the comments have made me realise what I was irritated about. It didn't seem relevant. We are both aware of our codedependence and are trying to address it. If she had texted "will be very late, don't wait up" I would have also said "ok". It was the stream of texts that said "it's 4.30 and we are meeting Alice" etc - and absolutely no, I have never asked or required this!!

And when I say half the bills, I mean water and electricity/gas, so she doesn't feel hard done by. And neither do I.

I absolutely accept that my bed time needn't be a "curfew" for her.

If this was a flat share where your daughter paid half the bills what Advice would you give her?

@Mischance

It is unreasonable to dictate when a grown adult needs to be home. But.........if she has a full time job she should be looking for her own accommodation. I used to have a poster on my wall when my children were teenagers which said: FED UP WITH YOUR PARENTS?; MOVE OUT, LEAVE HOME AND PAY YOUR OWN BILLS.

Except according to the op she is paying half the bills and doing more than half the housework so your statement is pointless.

Op whether you have set it as a curfew or just made the point that later than 10pm is a disruption to you is pretty irrelevant I think. The point is she is jot a child, she is an adult and as much as you expect her to respect you, you also need to have the same respect for her.

It is her home and basically making her feel like she is either home by 10pm or not at all is pretty shitty when by your own admission she pays half the bills and does more housework than you. Effectively you live in a house share. Would you expect and adult you weren't related to to be home by 10 or jot at all on a Saturday?

I think you need a conversation with your dd, you bith owe the other an apology and you need to find a way to manage your sleeping

You say you haven't asked her to be home by 10 but have you given her the impression in the past when she has come in later that you've been pissed off with her and therefore, for an easy life she has just started coming it at 10? I lived with my mum for a while in my 20s and, looking back now, I tip toed around her schedule so as not to cause any upset. I wish now I'd moved out years before I did.

If she was rocking up drunk at 2 o'clock every morning and throwing up loudly in the bathroom then a discussion about homecoming times might be necessary but 10.15 one Saturday night is hardly excessive!

If she had texted "will be very late, don't wait up" I would have also said "ok". It was the stream of texts that said "it's 4.30 and we are meeting Alice" etc - and absolutely no, I have never asked or required this!!

But... she clearly thinks you do want this and wouldn't have said ok. I think you both need (another?) frank chat because she clearly feels she needs to ask permission and you can't both live together dancing around things.

She's paying for half the flat but you still see it as "yours", meaning you think you get to dictate.

Either she continues to pay for half and is treated like an equal adult or you pay more and have rules.

It's really unfair for you to have it both ways.

@hammeringinmyhead

If she had texted "will be very late, don't wait up" I would have also said "ok". It was the stream of texts that said "it's 4.30 and we are meeting Alice" etc - and absolutely no, I have never asked or required this!!

But... she clearly thinks you do want this and wouldn't have said ok. I think you both need (another?) frank chat because she clearly feels she needs to ask permission and you can't both live together dancing around things.

Yes, this is a very fair point and the whole issue, I think.

Why not get someone in to sort out the creaky floorboards?

I'm afraid I'm going with unreasonable. She pays half of everything and does have the work, but still has a weekend curfew to suit you? There's needs to be a compromise, or have you thought of a white noise machine?

Wow. I actually burst out laughing reading this. I have a DS around this age. He pays his way. He goes out and often comes back at 3am. I would never ask him to be back in the house by 10pm because he's a 'adult'. YABVU and very controlling. You need to count yourself lucky that you have such a responsible DD who pays half the bills and does half of the housework. You can't treat her as an adult when it comes to finances and then as a child in other areas. Be careful you don't force her to move out.

Yes, YABVU. I feel a lot of sympathy for your daughter, who possibly would like to move out but probably can’t afford it. Are you aware of the actual practical cost of doing so in your area? If your unbroken sleep is so important to you, then perhaps consider facilitating your daughter’s departure by paying the deposit on a room in a flatshare for her? If she’s paying rent on top of her share of the bills, then why not put that aside for a few months and use that for a deposit? It sounds like she is actually a very considerate young woman, and that you have become a little too obsessed with your need for sleep to have some perspective on it. 10PM is an unrealistic curfew for a 23 year old.

Fix floorboards, help with deposit, get better earplugs, and make sure you’re not allowing a single floorboard to squeak in the mornings as you may wake your daughter up before she herself wants to be woken. Consideration goes both ways, even though you obviously view your needs as having the priority.

Absolutely ridiculous

You need to address your sleep issues. I take melatonin due to my poor sleep. As you’re over 50, your Gp can prescribe it without going through a sleep clinic. Look at taking good quality vitamin supplements, which help you to sleep.

Oh and of course I meant yabvvu.

10pm? On A Saturday? Yabvvvu! That’s a curfew for a 16/17 yo, not a woman.

She's 23, and you make her come home at 10pm.
YOU ARE CONTROLLING! And very unreasonable.
She pays half of your bills, yet yet you're still treating her like a little child. Moving out nowadays after uni can be so difficult, and it is very uncommon.

After 18 my mum stopped with any kind of curfew, because I was an adult paying my own way and could make my own decisions. Apologise and get rid of the curfew.

When my now adult kids were teens and living at home they never even went out till 10 pm at weekends.
They were very quiet coming home though.