AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

[Fizzysours]

10pm!!!???? God sorry but that is ridiculous. And I am an early riser who is easily disturbed. And it is not easy for kids to get their own place. Rents are ridiculous. Once you start forking out a grand a month on that, you will struggle to ever save for a mortgage. That is not your daughter's fault. Treat her like an adult OP

[TOFO1965]

This is an unreasonable ask, though it sounds like you don’t want her there anyway. Your behaviour is very controlling. Let her off the rent so she can save up to move out, or can you help her with a deposit? And sort your floorboards! It’s not complex.

[zingally]

Frankly 10pm is EARLY for someone who is very much legally an adult, and even having a curfew at all is ridiculous.

There are many things that can be done to "fix" this...

1: Get a builder in to look at the floorboards and replace some if required.
2: Get a new front door that fits properly, or fix whatever is wrong withe the current one.
3: Lay some nice thick rugs.
4: Push your precious bed time back a bit.
5: Daughter moves out.

Either way, you currently sound a bit crazy, and you're on a sure-fire path to damaging your relationship with your daughter over something incredibly trivial.

My parents damaged the relationship with my older sister for similar reasons (treating her like a child etc), and although she was by NO means the perfect housemate, the relationship never really recovered.

[EggysMom]

Hang on, £40/month in 2020 and no actual curfew?

She's a lucky girl. I paid £70/month in 1990 and still had a 10pm curfew at age 21

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Yabvu! Probably best get some earplugs. If i was your
Daughter I’d move out pronto

[Summeriscancelled]

You're so unreasonable. She's a working adult and is covering half of the bills and upkeep of the house. I'd be furious if I was your daughter.

[motherheroic]

Fix the floor boards and buy better earplugs instead of making it other people's problem.

[MumsyMumIAmNot]

YANBU because shes an adult and should move out of she does not want to be home by the time you want to go to bed. Simple.

[rookiemere]

I may be off the mark here, but you know you are allowed to tell your DD that you would prefer she moves out, if that's what you want. It doesn't make you a bad person.

[Hercwasonaroll]

Sounds like she's very very attached to you. Not necessarily a bad thing but she needs to cut the apron strings at some point!

It sounds like you both try very hard to avoid confrontation and instead end up in a lack of communication confusion. Bit like an old married couple, eventually you learn to speak up!

[timeisnotaline]

Glad you’ve taken it all on board op! I can imagine other posters like I do find it hard to imagine a 10pm home time for a teenager much less an adult hence the controlling comments, but you seem to have worked it out. By 23 I thought 10pm is about the time you start to head out on a Saturday, and I’m far more in the nerd box than wild child.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@corythatwas the issue is the constant texting, but I hadn't figured that out. It sounds obvious. It's my fault for allowing it to continue - DD has always had an innate desire to know where I am and what I'm doing, rather than the other way around. Today we will both be out all day and I left first and said "see you tonight" and she said "I'll try not to text but please reply if I do". And I will.

It'll take a while. I did become irritated last night because of the constantly changing updates and starting fixating on doors and floorboards which aren't really the issue. I'm very good at deflection. It's the only argument we have ever had, apart from whether Harry Styles is virtually the new Messiah (many years ago) so I'm not too worried.

And she was offered a room in a lovely house in London a few months ago but she's not sure that she wants to move out yet, but could definitely afford it as it belongs to the best friend.

[corythatwas]

Good that you're sorting this out, OP. Basically you need to be clear about what the problem is. If it's floorboards, then think about carpets/rugs/talcum powder. If it's a creaky door, then grease it. If it's your daughter not knowing how to walk quietly, she'll have to sort that. If it's her disturbing you by constant text messages, you need to tell her to stop (sounds like you have). If it's you not able to relax if she's out- that really isn't on, so you deal with that.

I have a 21yo living at home and on the wages he's earning it will be a long time before he can move out. Before that, our daughter lived at home until she was 21 and got into the education she wanted. Both contributed to the household but not enough so they could move out. It was nothing to do with "not being able to wait to move out"- it was the fact that wages haven't kept step with rents in the last decade or so. Being young now is not the same as being young then.

[nestisflown]

*you not one

[nestisflown]

Hey I think one addressed it well OP- sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. You did yourself a disservice with the way you wrote your original post. I was about to comment yabu but unlike other recent posters, I read your updates first and seems you have it sorted/ there wasn’t a major issue in the first place!

[Looneytune253]

Lol I actually have this exact argument with my FIFTEEN year old. But she gets more freedom than that and we're 'super strict'

[Lobsterquadrille2]

[quote Seychelles98]@Lobsterquadrille2 you need to start being more flexible and less set in your ways. Are you like this in every area of your life? Introduce some leeway. The resulting freedom will be a breath of fresh air for both of you... basically stop being a fuddy-duddy![/quote]
I've just read that to DD and she said it was so far removed from the truth to be unbelievable. 😀

I've shown her my initial post and she said I'd phrased it incorrectly too.

So I just got it wrong all round really. I am happy to be corrected though.

[Sunnydayhere]

Screw the creaky floorboards down, get some rugs.

A 10pm sound curfew is a bit much for anyone living there. It can’t make for easy living for anyone there whether its you, her irrespective of how bills are paid etc.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

I was coming home whenever I liked between ages of 18 and 23 ( moved out after) yabu sorry

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@Bluntness100

So basically you’ve done nothing wrong and the issue is hers?

She's said in the past that I don't always communicate effectively because I avoid confrontation, and that's probably true here too.

[howfarwevecome]

I think you owe your DD an apology. You are being unreasonable.

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

Is it so bad to be woken by the creaking floor board? Not "piling on", just genuinely asking. Sounds like you have serious sleep issues. I have sleep issues and it's bloody awful. I don't think I've slept well in about 6 years. My tiny little cat creeping onto the end of my bed wakes me up. My phone lighting up without even making a sound can wake me up! And then I struggle to get back to sleep.

These are my issues. I am trying to work on them. My family are understanding and try to be considerate but ultimately life goes on. They still do things that wake me and I have to deal with it. Unless you live alone you have to put up with a few things here and there because other people are allowed to exist in the space that they live in.

Sounds like you and your DD are both very accustomed to having your own space and are now struggling to share it again. I think that you need to continue to work on your sleep issues, your DD needs to be considerate but she does not have to stop living. I also think she needs to move out. It might sound harsh but it sounds like you two are going to really piss each other off if this continues for too long. Maybe if you agree to stop charging her rent she will be able to save up and get herself sorted in a few months.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

This is my last comment. I have read and appreciated all responses and in the future I'm going to have more sympathy with dripfeeders.

I'm decidedly not controlling. A few years ago, I said to DD that her teenage years had been easy, and she said that was because I didn't place any restrictions on her (in my view I did) and she wouldn't have minded more guidelines. I think that in her own way she's gone about creating some, aided by my (yes, unreasonable) wanting to be asleep at 10 and not be disturbed.

We have a great relationship, maybe a bit too close.

She pays me about £40 a month, which covers bills as detailed previously, so I don't feel that I am fleecing her or preventing her from saving. And I feel it's fair for me too.