AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

[pictish]

You have your answers you say, which is good of course...but I wonder why you needed them.

Can you imagine being out with your pals at 23 and saying, “Nothing for me on the next round, it’s 9.30 and I’ll have to go home shortly so I don’t wake my mother up after 10.”
Seriously, is that what you expected her to do?

“I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15”

You are making a point of her being 15 minutes over this preposterous curfew. Are you for real? I’m glad you asked us. You needed to know.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Wishforsnow

You are being ridiculous. You have someone paying half your bills and think they need to tip toe around so your sleep isn't broken. If she did wake you at 2am would you not just fall back asleep a few minutes later?

Obviously not everyone can do that. I have insomnia, which is why I'm precious about my sleep time

[NoProblem123]

If she pays half the bills and does more than half the housework she can come and live with me !

No curfews for adults who act like adults YABU.

[EyeSeeWhatYouDidThere]

My curfew for going out on a weekday was 11pm when I was at college aged 18, didn't have one at the weekend. I used to work shifts and get home usually between 1am and 4am. I think YBVU for a 23yro who pays her way!

[cantstopsinginglittlebabybum]

She's an adult who contributes to the household.

She can come and go as she pleases.

[Sparticuscaticus]

Lobster it sounds like you've listened to everybody which is great. Just to say:

Your DD feels she has a curfew because you don't like being woken up after your early bedtime at 10pm. Your solutions you were thinking of are a tad unreasonable and a little selfish , sorry but they are imposing on (attempting to restrict) your DD whether you mean to or not

It's Covid she can't stay at her friends house and why should she when she has her own bed to return to ? Don't suggest that solution, that's selfish

DD is right, she shouldn't feel she has a 10pm "curfew", she shouldn't have any curfew at all - please make that clear to her

It's nice she texts you to let you know where she is for safety . Nip it in the bus if it's about her feeling she has to report in or justify where she is, she's an adult

Had you said she was waking you up at 2am, making lots of noise late night cooking and you had a 6am work get up the next morning, that would be a discussion about your DD being selfish and inconsiderate waking you. But she sounds thoughtful and not unreasonable at all

You have every right to go to bed 10pm, I sometimes am in bed 9pm and even my 16 year old and 18 year old DC (who don't pay bills & rent!) come in later than that on occasion. They make safe at plans to get home (or call me for a lift if stuck!) and pop their head round my door to whisper that they are in, so that I rest easy. (Tbh creaky floorboards and front door already tell me they are in.) My early night sleep isn't more precious than them living their lives in a reasonable way.

[OutComeTheWolves]

I had a later curfew when I was 16. You're being ridiculous.

[StillMedusa]

Dear Lord I have a son with special needs who has more freedom than that! You can't impose a curfew on someone who is paying rent and doing her fair share!

I have two of my four adult kids living with me (one because he has disabilities and one because she is saving to move out) and I wear ear plugs.. I don't expect my dd2 to come home early because I want a lie in!

[Bluntness100]

I think you’re being very disingenuous which isn’t a pleasant thing, she clearly thinks you expect her back or you’d not have has the argument, if you were the person you’re saying you are, who would have been fine with her coming back at any time, there would have been no argument.

You know it’s unacceptable to wish a woman of this age to pay her way and come back at ten o clock. It’s not ok in the slightest.

Whether you’ll change your behaviour though in reality is a different question,

[sparepantsandtoothbrush]

Your 23 year old adult daughter who pays half the bills and does more than half the housework has to be home at 10pm on a Saturday night? 😂😂 Hilarious

[sparepantsandtoothbrush]

Oops. Should have rtft sorry

[Viviennemary]

I think you are being really petty and totally unreasonable. Get yourself some earplugs or do a sleep training programme.

[rottiemum88]

I was with you... until you said she pays half the bills! You're treating her like a child by giving her a curfew but think she's adult enough to contribute half to hour household financially?! I'm not sure how you have the gall to be honest

[ShandlersWig]

I thought you meant 10am!

10pm on a Saturday night and she pays half the bills?

Very unreasonable!

[DonLewis]

Ah, the 2 of you sound close and considerate of each others needs. Which is lovely. But this issue is weird one, because elike most other people have said, its really early, she's an adult and she contributes to the bills.

Is there a solution other than her moving out? A way to soundproof some stuff? Your bedroom, the creaky floorboard etc? Because even if she decides to move out, it won't happen overnight, will it? And you'll have this issue again next weekend. And the one after.

Hope you find a way through.

[Prettybluepigeons]

What's with your "must be asleep in bed at 10pm" thing?
You are only 50! What happens if you go out for the evening? Meal out? Party?
Do you rush home to be in for 10?

Your daughter is an adult and should be able to come in when she wants.
My 20 year old is at home with us because of covid and likes to stay up very late. I had a chat about being considerate with the lights and noise and it's all been fine. You sound a bit rigid.

[Brefugee]

YABVU
She contributes so you're more like flatmates at this stage. Post 18-age DC living at home and contributing is a different kettle of fish to "my house my rules" with younger DCs. You need to speak to each other. A 10pm curfew is ridiculous, but she shouldn't be waking you up.

pp who said "you can go back to sleep" - it's not as easy as that. I usually take 2-3 hours to get back to sleep

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Thank you. Some of the comments are way off the mark, but that's ok. The issue goes way back I suppose - in secondary school, DD would always text "on the bus" and "I'm at home" because I was always at work. That part, the over communication by text, is habitual.

My sleep is a bit out of context but that's my fault because I made it like that. Normally we both go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6.

Anyway we've had a talk, I have apologised and suggested that in future she texts once and once only "home very late. Good night". I said that I was being controlling and she disagreed and said I'm very laid back about everything and that because of the way we are, she's had far more freedom than any of her friends. Maybe it's a security issue in her, this need to keep me updated which @hammeringinmyhead seems to relate to.

[Laks0007]

YABU. Why can't you change the floorboards? These are the best years of her life and you are madating a curfew. You sound controlling and a bit precious.

[Thecobwebsarewinning]

OMG. I’m a parent of adults living at home and I think you are completely unreasonable and very, very controlling.

Up to a point you can say ‘my house, my rules’. For instance I don’t work so do 90% of the housework so I expect D.C. to meet my standards about tidying up/putting things away. If they are having friends over I expect them to do a courtesy check with me first. If they are staying out past midnight-ish or staying over elsewhere I ask that they send me a text so I don’t wake up at 4am and panic that they aren’t home. But that’s as far as I go. Effectively they are the same ‘rules’ my DH and I expect of each other.

What you’ve got is an adult woman living with you, paying her way, contributing more in the way of housework than you do but still having to meet a curfew that would be draconian for a 6th form school girl. And why? Because a 50 year old woman considers herself to be so old that her sleep schedule is more important the 22 year olds need for some independence and freedom.

When I was 20 something I would also have been horrified to have to stay at my mums but sadly youngsters today don’t have that freedom. The cost of rent has rocketed so they have to stay at home longer than we did. It’s not their fault.

It sounds as if you really resent having to share your space with her and I understand that. I get very wound up by my cocky 25 year old constantly assuming she knows best and I’m a dinosaur. It’s a a massive relief when she stays at her mates for a couple of nights. But that doesn’t give me the right to treat her like a child.

You are being selfish and overbearing. Treat her with the respect you would give to an adult house sharer who also did more than half the housework . She will be gone soon enough and then you’ll have the rest of your life to sleep Undisturbed.

[VeggieSausageRoll]

@Lobsterquadrille2

Ok! I asked the question because I genuinely didn't know, and because of lockdown it's not been an issue before. My vague idea was that after university, young adults couldn't wait to get away from home (as was my experience). I'm possibly not going to tell her I posted this but will take the MN view that I'm unreasonable 😀. And hope that she can stay with best friend again soon ...

Can she afford to be saving to leave whilst paying half of everything?

[minnieok]

Personally I wouldn't dream of giving my kids a curfew past 18. They have to text me if they are due home past 10 or are staying overnight, also text me if they have an overnight visitor! I would fix the floorboards/put down rugs.

[Rosebel]

So it's not a curfew but by your own admission you'd be annoyed if she woke you up. You must have said something to make her feel she must be in by 10 and yes you are being unreasonable.
When I was 16 my curfew was midnight unless I called to say I'd be later. At 23 I think I'd have laughed at the idea of a curfew.
Considering she works, pays her way and does over half the housework I think you should loosen up a bit. It doesn't even sound like it's every night just on the weekend.

[crimsonlake]

Thecobwebsarewinning, I could not have put it better myself. Totally agree.

[Mintychoc1]

You seem to have sorted it OP. I agree that the “curfew” is unreasonable, but equally having disturbed sleep is miserable.
I’d see how the next few weeks go, but maybe it’s time to have a serious talk about her moving out.