AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

You need to decide if the inconvenience of being woken up occasionally outweighs the benefits of having half the bills and more than half the housework done.

She is either your DD or your tenant. At the minute she appears to be getting the worst of both worlds by paying to live there, but also being subject to draconian rules.

Unless you can come to some compromise over this it's better if she moves out.

[quote Hercwasonaroll]@CodenameVillanelle

Who would be a lodger in a place you have to be home by 10pm? Not many people. 10pm is an early curfew. Sounds like OP needs to sort out their sleep.[/quote]
If the lodger had a lifestyle that was affecting my sleep then I'd ask the lodger to leave and get one that didn't

She sounds like a fantastic daughter/lodger! I’m not surprised she got mad. I would feel quite hurt if I were her, she sounds like she’s making a big effort to be considerate, doing the housework etc. (rightly of course but a lot of people the same age wouldn’t, they would still see their mum as the person that looks after them) and she’s basically been told that you can’t understand why she’s there. I’d be upset thinking that you didn’t want me there. That won’t make her feel very good about herself.

@Zoecarter

Just tell her she doesn't need to be in by 10 then and it was a miscommunication. If that’s the case.

I actually posted this before she wakes up to be clear in my head as to what is reasonable. If she reads her texts back, which I will suggest, they ALL say "I won't be late" and "home by 10."

This is probably far more indicative of the nature of our relationship, because it's always been just the two of us, which is another reason I think that independent living would be good for her/us. And to the PP who called us "incompatible", this is the only disagreement we have had in my memory. She made a reference last night that everyone used to think of me as cool mother, so maybe that stung a bit too.

[quote Zoecarter]@CodenameVillanelle maybe you shouldn’t have lodges you can’t give adults a curfew 🤦🏼‍♀️[/quote]
I didn't say I would give a curfew but I had one lady who was very heavy and would get up to use the loo (outside my bedroom) often in the night which would wake me up as she would clatter up the stairs and make a lot of noise. I asked her to leave and got someone else.

My 13 year old has to be back by 9pm!!! Just get better ear plugs or sort out your door/floorboards. You have obviously made it very clear she has to be back by 10 for her to even mention it even if you haven't actually told her.

I would consider that a ‘Home by 10’ text isn’t as inflexible as a train timetable - 10:15 would fall into that general time frame.

And I’m an early sleeper who is punctual/early for everything.

@Bunnybigears

My 13 year old has to be back by 9pm!!! Just get better ear plugs or sort out your door/floorboards. You have obviously made it very clear she has to be back by 10 for her to even mention it even if you haven't actually told her.

I'm pretty sure that I have never asked her to be back at 10. It's purely that she knows I'm in bed then. Pre lockdown, she would have stayed with her best friend who lives in a very large house and can come in and out without disturbing anyone.

OP she's an adult who is paying her way. You need to start treating her the way you'd expect another adult to treat you.
My curfew was later than 10pm on a Saturday night at 15! It sounds like you're keen for her to move out but even 20 years ago when I was slightly younger than her, most people struggled to move out at 23. Would you want her living somewhere rubbish, never able to afford her own home because of what she's paying in rent?

YABU coz its mega early. YANBU coz its your house and she should be moving out. wheres tjat at, how can you help her acheive that?

.... which is why I put "curfew" in inverted commas in my title.

Oh no...now come on. The woman is 23 and pays her way...she should be free to come and go whenever she likes. It is not her fault the floorboards are creaky ffs...and if you are seriously proposing she sticks to a 10pm curfew because of them, you need to reassess your expectations. She is an adult!

She is right. No one else’s parents will be like that. I have an 18 yr old at home and wouldn’t dream of controlling him in this way. He has no job (he’s at college) and pays nothing...and yes, he occasionally accidentally wakes us up rummaging for food or coming in...but we still wouldn’t think of imposing a curfew.

Stop being mental.

I moved out at 16 then moved back home at 19 for a few months. My mum used to give me a curfew of 10 pm, 10 pm at 19 years old! This resulted in me sleeping rough some nights, staying at random people's houses or just partying all night when I didn't really want to but couldn't go home. I hated it, I felt like such a child when all my friends were free to come and go as they please. This was a way for my mum to control me.

If she's paying towards living there then you have no right to give her a curfew. She's a grown woman! Get some earplugs.

You are being ridiculous. You have someone paying half your bills and think they need to tip toe around so your sleep isn't broken. If she did wake you at 2am would you not just fall back asleep a few minutes later?

YABU! It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic that she complies so much, including on this. she doesn’t need to move out to change it, eg you could be less precious about your sleep preferences, unless you want her to so you can live alone, which would be fair enough.

Ok, I think you are being fairly naive not to realise she texted several times about being home early in the hope you'd reply "Don't worry about it, have fun!" and not "Ok."

You are so incredibly unreasonable.

I'm flabbergasted.

She's 23 not 13.

I once had a bf whose mother had a time to be home when we stayed at her house. We had to sleep in separate rooms, which I could just about accept. But the 11 o clock home time meant I refused to stay at her house. Ever. She lived down south, we studied up north. So we just didn't go visit her. We stayed at uni or at my parents, where we were treated like adults, not children.

I still follow the ex on Instagram. He's moved to Australia. So be careful what you wish for.

Yes you're being unreasonable and ridiculous.

Most people her age have hardly even gone out by 10 pm. My 19 yr old didn’t go out until gone 9 last night and I gave her a lift the 7 miles to town. They are only going out that early now because the later clubs are no longer open.

YABVU. 10 p.m. on a Saturday night is ridiculously early. She should be able to come and go at whatever times she pleases.

Wear ear plugs if her coming in disturbs your sleep.

It is unreasonable to dictate when a grown adult needs to be home. But.........if she has a full time job she should be looking for her own accommodation. I used to have a poster on my wall when my children were teenagers which said: FED UP WITH YOUR PARENTS?; MOVE OUT, LEAVE HOME AND PAY YOUR OWN BILLS.

She made a reference last night that everyone used to think of me as cool mother, so maybe that stung a bit too.

It probably did. However consider your 23 year old self, out with friends and you have to go home because its your mums bedtime. Quite honestly I'd be taking the piss out of my mum if I had to do that, nevermind what my friends would say.

If you don't like her being out late, ask her to move out.

you have a problem with sleeping. Don't make that into your daughter's problem having to curtail her social life. She should be free to come and go as she pleases, there should be no curfew at all. She is an adult, she is effectively your flatmate. You have no authority over her any more, other than hopefully what occurs naturally both ways in a loving and respectful relationship

I was going to say that...when I was 22/23 we went OUT at 10pm...in time for a couple of drinks in the pub before hitting the club.