AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

[Zoecarter]

@CodenameVillanelle maybe you shouldn’t have lodges you can’t give adults a curfew 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Aracnafaria]

Omg she is 22 not a child! You are utterly ridiculous putting such a curfew on her at her age. Give your head a wobble !

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Ok! I asked the question because I genuinely didn't know, and because of lockdown it's not been an issue before. My vague idea was that after university, young adults couldn't wait to get away from home (as was my experience). I'm possibly not going to tell her I posted this but will take the MN view that I'm unreasonable 😀. And hope that she can stay with best friend again soon ...

[hammeringinmyhead]

I'm confused. You say she voluntarily said she'd be home by 10. Have you actually told her she must be home by 10 or just made passive agressive comments about broken sleep?

[WhiteCat1704]

Yanbu
Your house, your rules.
Presumably half the bills doesn't include the mortgage just utilities...if that's the case shd has things easy.
I think it's time she moved out...she can do whatever she wants in her own place ( or not as if she can only afford a room somewhere she would still need to be considerate)

[SoupDragon]

Get better ear plugs and fix the floorboards and door.

Expecting a 23 year old to be home by 10 is indeed treating them like a child.

Many adult children won't be able to afford to move out of home after university. DS1 has just moved back and, as we are South London, I don't envisage him moving out soon. It's an unfortunate reality for many right now.

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

You are being unreasonable, it's very difficult for young people to be able to afford to move out. She's not long graduated, she's working full time, she pays half towards the bills and does more than half the housework. You can't curfew a 22 year old and ten pm on a Saturday is ridiculous! She's not coming back steaming drunk, throwing up or bringing people back for after parties, you have creaky floors. Yes she could move straight out but that will firmly limit her chance of being able to afford to buy her own place, in her shoes I would move out and I wouldn't be popping back for a visit.

[EnjoyingTheSilence]

Yabvu. 10pm for a 23 year old? No wonder she’s upset. Get someone in to look at the floorboards

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@hammeringinmyhead

I'm confused. You say she voluntarily said she'd be home by 10. Have you actually told her she must be home by 10 or just made passive agressive comments about broken sleep?

I haven't actually told her to be home by 10, but it was her assumption because that's when she knows I go to bed. So my replies were just "ok" and "see you later".

[Zoecarter]

@Lobsterquadrille2Your not going to tell her that your in the wrong and not going to stop giving her a curfew ... what was the point of this thread.

It’s so expensive to live on your own but the ammount she’s paying you which is unreasonable to live with a parent she might actually be better in a house share.

[pilates]

YABVU
10 is very early on a Saturday night.
I get woken by my DD when she comes in but I go back to sleep pretty soon after.

[Jeezoh]

You can’t treat her like a child with a curfew whilst simultaneously treating her like an adult and accepting she pays half the bills (does this include rent?)

[ChaToilLeam]

I’m a light sleeper too. Still don’t impose a curfew on DP.

Yes, YABVU.

[Zoecarter]

Just tell her she doesn't need to be in by 10 then and it was a miscommunication. If that’s the case.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

[quote Zoecarter]@Lobsterquadrille2Your not going to tell her that your in the wrong and not going to stop giving her a curfew ... what was the point of this thread.

It’s so expensive to live on your own but the ammount she’s paying you which is unreasonable to live with a parent she might actually be better in a house share.[/quote]
@Zoecarter with respect, you do not know me at all. I have been on MN for many years and value the wisdom of (most of) the people on here.

[CelestialSpanking]

I think you’re being massively unreasonable especially as she pays half the bills.

You’re clearly not compatible to share a flat so she needs to move out. Maybe cut her some slack on her half of the bills so she can afford to move out quicker?

[Hercwasonaroll]

She was 15 mins 'late' to a deadline you didn't even agree. You sound far too inflexible.
Moving out costs a lot of money nowadays. Times are different. If you want her gone, sit her down and tell her.

[CherryPavlova]

Give and take. 10pm for a 23 year old is early. Being woken frequently is inconsiderate but it doesn’t sound frequent.

I’d not want someone coming in at 3am most nights and making a bacon sandwich but I’d offer to collect them if they had the infrequent late night that included alcohol, or from an airport.

Talcum powder is good for creaky floorboards.

[hammeringinmyhead]

@Zoecarter

Just tell her she doesn't need to be in by 10 then and it was a miscommunication. If that’s the case.

Yes, I agree, hence my earlier question.

[mum11970]

We have a 23 yr old and 19 yr old back at home due to the virus, who don’t pay rent and even I think this is a ridiculous curfew. You either need to sort the floorboards or get better ear plugs. That would be a curfew for my 15 yr old.

[RiseUpWiseUpEyesUp]

Going against the grain here but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have consideration for the other people you live with. When I lived with my parents, paying rent, between 18-21 and again at 24-25, I would be back at a reasonable hour if out (I think 10 is a bit early but I would have been home by 11) because I knew my mum had similar sleep problems and I wanted to be understanding of those. I guess it depends on what you’ve said to her. My mum never guilt tripped me or anything, I just made the choice to be considerate.

[KatherineJaneway]

Yabvu

She pays half the bills and pulls her weight. 10pm is ridiculously early. Buy better earplugs and the floorboards looked at.

[Bluetrews25]

YABVVVVU
If you weren't a light sleeper could she stay out later?
10pm curfew is for 15 year olds.
Not her fault she can't afford to move out, or that you are a light sleeper.
Learn to go back to sleep.
Do you stay in bed later in the morning so you don't wake her up?
Bet you don't.

[user1487194234]

YABVU and a control freak