AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

[Lobsterquadrille2]

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Haha, I have my answers and thank you @hammeringinmyhead.

[IdblowJonSnow]

I think yabu, sorry. If she came home and made a deliberate racket, fair enough but if it's the fault of the floorboards then do something about it.
She sounds very responsible to me.
Yeah I guess she could move out but if this is the only issue then I'd relax your 'curfew'.

[Beautiful3]

That is very early for a 23 year old. Bit controlling. But it's your house so your rules. If she doesn't like it then she had better start saving up to move out.

[Standrewsschool]

You can’t really impose a weekend curfew on a 23 year year old.

Regarding moving back home, if she’s working locally then guess it makes sense to live at home. It’ll give her a better opportunity to save to buy somewhere herself.

[diddl]

"I haven't actually told her to be home by 10, but it was her assumption because that's when she knows I go to bed. So my replies were just "ok" and "see you later"."

Well I think that that shows great consideration on her part for you tbh.

[Apolloanddaphne]

You are being VV unreasonable. I have a 22yo DD living at home at the moment and I am also a very light sleeper. I never ever place a time limit on her coming home. She is an adult and is free to come and go as she wants.

[Idontbelieveit12]

YABU

[hardboiledeggs]

Your being ridiculous. She's 23 you are being far too strict in my opinion.

[UggyPow]

You are being unreasonable, you appear to have set the expectation of when your DD has to be home(interrupted sleep, busy week ahead etc.) but because you didn’t actually set a ‘curfew’ think that that excuses the unreasonableness of the overall expectation.
She is an adult & you are taking advantage of the fact that she is respectful of the fact it is your home & you are her parent - even though she pays her way.
Do you intend to help her get a place of her own, with the money she has paid? Or are you keeping it for your own benefit?
My 16 year old wakes me at 1:00am or after on average 3 nights a week (coming in from work) I am glad - it means I know she is home safe.
You appear to have more interest in your daughter moving out than say helping her to achieve a longer term goal of saving for a deposit by living at ‘home’

[IdblowJonSnow]

My curfew was 10pm when I was 13/14!

[hammeringinmyhead]

@Lobsterquadrille2

Haha, I have my answers and thank you *@hammeringinmyhead*.

You're welcome! Perhaps you have picked up on that I had a similar dynamic with my mum when I was about 19. I made assumptions about what she expected of me and she was left a bit bemused as she wasn't actually bothered where I was

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I'm glad you've seen reason because you were very unreasonable. She pays her way, she can pretty much do as she pleases in relation to when she comes home. You need to sort out as much of the creaky stuff as you can, and apologies.

[jessstan2]

I can't imagine telling a nearly 23 year old to be home by ten. That is totally unreasonable, just because you don't go out on a Saturday night. Most people do socialise at weekends and come in when they feel like it!

Even teenagers at school usually have a midnight curfew at weekends.

All your daughter needs to do is be quiet when she comes in, as far as she can. You'll probably still hear her but shouldn't be overly disturbed by a bit of movement in the house.

I honestly don't understand you.

[EggysMom]

I warn you, treating her like a child when she's 23 might seem reasonable to you - and even to her at the time - but it'll build up a resentment towards you that will never disappear .... voice of experience ....

[TheTeenageYears]

Can I ask what debt you came out with post uni vs DD's debt level? There's a reason why you wouldn't have considered bouncing back 'home' after uni and why a huge percentage of graduates do now. I think you need to be very careful not to drive your daughter away by making her feel so unwelcome. If you want to have a good relationship with her in the future I think you might need to reframe your thinking. Her only options are sticking to a very unreasonable 'curfew' because you need to sleep and the property doesn't really allow for that or staying at a friends. I don't want my children hanging around in their late twenties/early thirties like some do but I also wouldn't want them to feel so restricted that it drove them away. My Dsis didn't feel welcome at home, believe me when I say it can have very deep routed consequences later.

In your position I would consider moving somewhere more suitable before driving DD out.

[JamesTKirkcompatible]

I'm also wondering why you couldn't "make up a broken night's sleep" post Saturday night (If that's how you would describe sleeping, say 10-1, then waking up for a bit when you hear her come in, then sleeping 1.30-5.30...that's pretty much a normal amount and probably loads more than you got when your daughter was young).

Does your full time work involve a long commute or really long hours? Why can't you go to bed at 9pm on Sundays and Mondays?

[YorkshireTeaIsTheBest]

Totally unreasonable. She is paying 50% of everything! Wow Just Wow.

[YorkshireTeaIsTheBest]

To clarify she is your lodger not your daughter if paying 50% and you are being unreasonable not her.

[TheEmpressOfUtterBastardry]

I lived at home at your dd's age and paid my way. I came in at all hours....you are being VERY unreasonable. She's not 12 years old!

[FredaFox]

Wow she’s 23 so an adult and should t he told what to do but it’s your house and consideration should be given if coming in late, not at 20pm though, after midnight /2am etc

If she only paid board again it’s your house do you are entitled to some rules, as she pays half the rent and bills she’s in fact your housemate and should have the full right to come and go as you please. If I were her I’d move out and live with a mate. More fun and less stress

[slashlover]

How would you feel if your daughter said the floorboards disturbed her sleep so could you please stay in bed until 9am on days you aren't working?

[Kitkat05]

@Lobsterquadrille2 hi OP. Is this a cultural thing? When my friend was 24 she had to be home for 9:30pm.

[XiCi]

I'm amazed at this. Firstly I feel so sorry for you dd that she feels she has to be back by 10pm on a Saturday. Thats ridiculous, things are only just getting started at 10. She'll be missing out on so much with her friends. I can only imagine the scenes when she tells everyone she has to be be back at 10 so she doesnt wake you up. Her friends must think you are a crackpot. Secondly I'm amazed that you are rigidly in bed by 10 every Saturday. You're 50, not 100!!

[Aracnafaria]

I think OP realises she was being unreasonable, hopefully a good old natter will sort this out.