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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
My2catsarefab · 08/08/2020 11:40

Have his stuff in bin bags outside the front door with a note on - "SORRY - for not realising what an emotionally abusive prick you are before I married you"

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 08/08/2020 11:40

He’s a fucking cunt, no other way to put it. He’s abusive to you and will be abusive to your child. Make plans to leave, be strong, you’re worth more than this prick deserves Flowers

SueEllenMishke · 08/08/2020 11:41

Do not apologise and make plans to leave.
He is a shit husband and father.
He hadn't done more than most men - he's not even done the bare minimum. All he has done are things he would need to do if he was living alone!!

He's horrible and I'm really angry on your behalf

Kaykay066 · 08/08/2020 11:42

So sad op, at a time in your life when you needed him he couldn’t be there for you and he’s blaming you.

I’d apologise to him for not leaving sooner and run for the hills if this is the kind of man he is I couldn’t bring a child up in that house with a man who blames you for being ill and stressed and tired after giving birth early and all that goes with a prem baby - I’m a paeds nurse and I know how hard it is for parents trying to visit and take in all their babies needs etc and what he’s done to you is unforgivable. Take your boy and run if you can. Things won’t get better, if that’s how he treats you when the chips are down how can you move past that yourself?...

Original poster
MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:42

Thank you all for your comments! I have tried justifying myself to him but he won't listen to me. I know I'm not a Saint and I have a tongue on me sometimes and I can be mean but I have honestly tried to get our marriage back on track.

I asked him to come to couples counciling, which he did do for a session but nothing really changed and he thought it was unnecessary. So I think i might just send him the link to this thread.

Just so he can't say that I kept any details back and tried to paint him in a bad light. He does work hard at running a company. He often works 10+ hour days and, due to his hard work, we have just been able to buy my absolute dream house. If he didnt work as hard or took more time off then the company would be in a much worse state and none of this would have been possible.

I would just like to have a husband who doesn't resent me and maybe shows me a tiny bit of affection. I've not been even hugged by him in a year, let alone anything else.

OP posts:
Pearsapiece · 08/08/2020 11:43

Op, you start to your child's life sounds similar to mine with ds. However, the difference is my dh would rush home to help, send me off to sleep, go to work after less sleep than me and blames himself for contributing to my pnd (I've assured him this isn't the case). I'm telling you this so you can see the difference between the treatment you had from your dh and what you should have had. I don't often say this but you should think about starting a new life together, you and your child

JamRolyPolyAnyone · 08/08/2020 11:43

Do you know I honestly would say "I'm going to tell you now, I will never apologise for that time because I have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Clearly this apology is important to you and whether our marriage continues seems to hinge on it but it won't happen. Please make your decisions on this accordingly because this is stalemate and I will not budge, so I will give you a week or two to think things over and at the end of that time, if you're still adamant you're owed this apology I must conclude our marriage is over". Then leave it at that

^^ This

Then if he decides your marriage isn’t worth saving he can explain to everyone that he left you because you were suffering with PND after the prem birth of your baby, he refused to support you, he would have nothing to do with the baby and you refused to apologise for being grumpy, worn out and stressed.

Let him prove to everyone what an utterly useless, manipulating, controlling husband and father he is.

Apologise to him indeed 😂

Eddielzzard · 08/08/2020 11:43

So before you were married he wanted kids. Then when you got married he said he didn't want to have to do anything with the baby, it's not his thing. And then when you had the baby, and had pretty serious problems he refused to help or give support.

And YOU'RE to apologise??????

It just isn't logical. It isn't reasonable. I really don't see what is to salvage here because you don't have a life partner, you've got a boss who has changed your job description and is giving you a poor performance review.

On something as fundamental as this, when a person doesn't see that the two people in his life desperately need his support, how on earth there is a future here.

blarrr · 08/08/2020 11:44

He's totally gaslighted you into thinking that you don't remember things clearly, that this is how men behave, that he should just be a provider and nothing else...and that that should be OK, that you are to blame.

This isn't love. He does not love you. He does not want you to feel good. The reason that he changed his mind AFTER YOU MARRIED and said that actually, he does not want to be involved with the baby, so it will be your responsibility if you choose to have one, is to put you in a position where he can stand back and not help you, watch you struggle, then berate you for mentioning you are struggling or making his life even slightly difficult.

He waited until he trapped you into marriage to tell you that. He wants someone he can control, keep in their place and belittle. Because it makes him feel powerful. He likes feeling powerful. He looks good to others having a wife, baby, nice house whatever, running a business. He only cares about how it looks and feeling powerful. It's as simple as that. Watch some YouTube videos on narcissism.

malificent7 · 08/08/2020 11:44

Well you may have your dream house but you do not have your dream husband. Which is more important op?

BertieBassettsBits · 08/08/2020 11:44

@titchy

I think you should apologise to him for not realising what an emotionally abusive cunt he was earlier. Start making plans to leave.
I think this sums it up
Cheeseybites · 08/08/2020 11:45

Wow this makes me want to cry.
I had PND and what we need at that time is as much support as possible.
You need to go out on a evening and leave him to it. He has a brain and he will figure out what to do to look after his own child.
You cant not live your life because he cant be bothered.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 08/08/2020 11:45

OMG. What an absolute arse. Him, not you.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/08/2020 11:46

I'm sorry I struggled caring for a premature ill baby all by myself and begged you for help. It must have been really hard for you seeing me so distressed when you didn't want to help care for your baby or your wife. I'm sorry I didn't realise how lucky I was that you worked 8 hours a day 6 days a week while I singlehandedly maintained a home and raised a poorly baby, you're right, it absolutely was a fair division of labour and I was so unreasonable to ask you to spend any kind of time with your baby. I dont deserve you so I think we should get a divorce.

Shufflebumnessie · 08/08/2020 11:47

Your husband sounds like a nasty, abusive piece of work. If you stay things will only deteriorate further. Seek advice and make preparations to leave as soon as possible.

Deadringer · 08/08/2020 11:47

Providing for his family is the absolute minimum that is required of him. Prick.

DPotter · 08/08/2020 11:48

My apologies for not reading the full thread.
There is no way on this planet you owe this so called man an apology. No way.

Do you know I honestly would say "I'm going to tell you now, I will never apologise for that time because I have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Clearly this apology is important to you and whether our marriage continues seems to hinge on it but it won't happen. Please make your decisions on this accordingly because this is stalemate and I will not budge, so I will give you a week or two to think things over and at the end of that time, if you're still adamant you're owed this apology I must conclude our marriage is over". Then leave it at that

This seems a good way forward, although I hope you can find some support and counselling to help you.

Frogshoe · 08/08/2020 11:48

LTB Flowers

Timetospare · 08/08/2020 11:49

You may be living in your dream home but you are not living a dream life.
Your husband behaved like a dick of the first order, from the moment he resented you visiting your tiny neo natal baby.
He did not go over and above by doing some shopping, cooking and cleaning, he did what any self respecting grown up would do.
I seriously think you should look at living a better life without him.

MoseShrute · 08/08/2020 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

ImFree2doasiwant · 08/08/2020 11:50

Sorry OP. I'd be making plans to leave (I was in a similar relationship, and ended up single with a 2 yr old and 9 month old) You're doing it so on your own anyway. He's an absolute arsehole of the highest order.

My Stbx was not supportive in anyway when I had the children. He thought going out to work was enough. Newsflash, it's not. Nowhere near.

SRS29 · 08/08/2020 11:50

OP please re-read your posts and really think is this a marriage you really want to be in? How on earth you can have any respect for a man who a) has done this and b) wants an apology! I am dumbfounded....please think long and hard about this and DO NOT APOLOGISE because you have NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR ...good luck Flowers

JellyfishandShells · 08/08/2020 11:51

I could barely get past the notion that he was angry at you wanting to go and see your new baby in hospital every day. What a horrible, self absorbed piece of work :/

krankykittykat · 08/08/2020 11:51

Wtf am I reading.
He didn't do more than what most men do at all.
He didn't see the need to see his child each day and its not as if he's done much for them since.
He'd of been working shopping and cleaning if you didn't have a child so how is that doing more than most?
Would I fuck be apologising to the cunt.

Cocolapew · 08/08/2020 11:51

I'd rather my DH wasn't a cunt than have my dream house. I had an awful time with DD2, my DH would come in from a 12 hour shift to me handing her over and walking out the door. He has never once mentioned what he did when she was a baby because it's called parenting.