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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
Shamoo · 08/08/2020 11:09

Honestly he sounds like an utter cunt. Truly.
From not caring and supporting you properly to not being an even remotely adequate dad. I would honestly sit him down and say if, on reflection and with the passage of time, he looks back on what happens and still feels you should apologise instead of himself being full of shame at how he behaved, you want a divorce. Give him a week to continue his reflections. If he doesn’t apologise himself (or at least accept his behaviour was unacceptable) I would leave him. I couldn’t be with somebody like that. You and your child would be better alone.

CelestialSpanking · 08/08/2020 11:10

What does this odious bastard bring to your life? He’s a terrible partner and a non involved father. Sounds like your child wouldn’t even notice it’s “dad” not being around.

Leaving this cunt would do you and your child the world of good as you won’t have to deal with his gaslighting and bullying behaviour day to day anymore.

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2020 11:10

I was going to say hell would freeze over before I would apologise, but then I read titchys post and that is an apology I could deliver. Get out op!!
Titchys: I think you should apologise to him for not realising what an emotionally abusive cunt he was earlier. Start making plans to leave.

Original poster
MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:11

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

OP posts:
FromDespairToHere · 08/08/2020 11:11

I don't know why you'd want to carry on with him tbh. If he thinks you had PND and wants you to apologise for it then he's an abusive prick. You'd be better off as a single parent, take it from one who knows.

KatzP · 08/08/2020 11:11

PND or not having a premie baby and the extended hospital stay is so stressful (speaking from experience). Sorry but he’s an arse. My husband went to see our daughter every day when she was in SCBU and when it was time to prepare to bring her home we roomed in together.

He has behaved appallingly not supporting you or helping as a parent. Did he want children? Not behaving like it.

As said above he owes you an apology and should be trying to make it up to you and show why you shouldn’t get rid of him.

tabulahrasa · 08/08/2020 11:12

“He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).”

No he didn’t!!! That’s just basic adulting FFS

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 08/08/2020 11:13

I think you would benefit from some couples counselling to try to help see the situation from the other’s shoes.

CelestialSpanking · 08/08/2020 11:14

Also the comments he’s made about you having PND ring serious alarm bells with me. A good partner who suspected the mother of their child has PND would be supportive and encourage her to get help from the doctor. An abuser uses the possibility of PND (or any other mental illness) as a stick to beat her with.

Please, think about taking steps to leave him.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 08/08/2020 11:15

I think you would benefit from some couples counselling to try to help see the situation from the other’s shoes

Hmm
CelestialSpanking · 08/08/2020 11:15

@MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee

I think you would benefit from some couples counselling to try to help see the situation from the other’s shoes.
I wouldn’t go with the couples counselling but counselling by yourself OP might really help you get things straight in your own head.
Grumpymum789 · 08/08/2020 11:15

There’s only 1 person who needs to apologise and it’s not you!

yoloyohol · 08/08/2020 11:15

My first reaction is this has no future, start looking at an exit plan. He doesn't get to single handedly decide who's in the right unless he wishes to stake the future of his marriage on it, and if he does then the relationships not that important to him anyway.

As to he did more than most do, give him credit for what he has done, but rateing himself as doing more than total wankers, doesn't make him much, does it? It sounds like he wants what total choice of what he does and the right to pick and choose what he puts into the family or not.

However I'm not a relationship councilor just a random on t'internet, so if underneath all this is a whole load more and something you are sure of that makes him worth any future consideration as a husband and father, then neither apologize nor refuse, just recognize the pair of you urgently need to take yourselves to counseling to learn how to communicate with each other.

corythatwas · 08/08/2020 11:16

The men I know spent time with their babies. They were hands-on dads who changed nappies and bathed and comforted from day one. Even my dad did that sort of thing in the 1960s. Your husband is an anomaly- tell the 19th century to take him back!

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 08/08/2020 11:16

No, don't apologise. You don't have anything to apologise for, and he'll take it as vindication of his own behaviour and start using your 'apology' to brow beat you with.

Redwinestillfine · 08/08/2020 11:16

He's a bully. He can continue providing his financial support only from a distance. You and your baby both deserve better. 100% on AIBU doesn't happen very often op.....

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/08/2020 11:17

OP I had a baby like that. The first six months until he was on medication and out of the woods were the hardest of my life.

Dh did everything it was physically possible to do without milk producing breasts. He took the baby whenever he could, did all the cooking, cleaning etc. Came to every single medical appointment (there were loads), and so on.

That was 13 years ago. Ds is now a strapping teenager, but if he ever gives me the slightest bit of lip dh comes down on him like a ton of bricks, saying that given what I had to go through and did for him at the time, he owes me nothing but undying gratitude. Dh still thanks me whenever talk goes round to the topic of babies.

He says as far as he’s concerned, if I want to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life I’ve earned it with the work I did in those early years.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise about. He, on the other hand, would probably be unable to apologise enough to compensate for his complete failure as a husband and father.

birthdaydress · 08/08/2020 11:19

Sooooo this manchild thinks you've had PND and his out take from this is that he wants you to APOLOGISE for it?!

"I'm sorry DH your lack of support and help with our child caused my PND and made me upset and angry. I'm sorry it took me so long to realise how awful you have been throughout such a difficult and fragile time for me and our DC. I think it's time for you to reflect on your behaviour and make amends or I will never be able to forgive you and it will be time for us to go our separate ways"

CaMePlaitPas · 08/08/2020 11:19

Fucking hell OP... do you realise how serious this is?

I don't often dish these out but LTB

mineofuselessinformation · 08/08/2020 11:19

Fuck that.
If he had been more supportive, you probably wouldn't have felt as bad as you did.
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE.
The problem is that you married a very selfish man.

ekidmxcl · 08/08/2020 11:19

The problem is that he hasn’t been a father. He should have loved and cared for the baby. Instead he thinks working hard and providing money is enough. It isn’t. He’s a father as well.

And as for saying he does more than most men - that’s like saying be grateful for being punched as some people get stabbed.

YgritteSnow · 08/08/2020 11:19

I wouldn't apologise. I would end the marriage. What is there to save? Genuine question. You'll both be far happier out of it.

It's not you OP Thanks

CelestialSpanking · 08/08/2020 11:19

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).
Nah. What he did was basic stuff and even then, not very much of it by the sounds of it. And he didn’t do with happily- he did it so he could once again, use it against you at a later date.

If you were that “awful” at the time I don’t doubt he’d have demanded a grovelling apology then and there. So you’ve probably already said you’re sorry. You don’t need to say it again. You know, assuming you really were as bad as he said you were.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/08/2020 11:19

Oh and I used dh as my punching bag throughout. He said that I needed to let the frustration anger and impotence out and that if letting it out on him meant I could carry on being loving to dc, he was more than happy to take it.

Villanemme · 08/08/2020 11:19

Oh dear op. He did what HE wanted and in the process made you feel unloved, unwanted, alone and in the wrong. There is a silver lining though, you didn't go on to have a second child with this 'man' from the 1950s. Accept you made the wrong choice of husband and move on. There are lovely men out there for you. Good luck.