My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

@SnackSizeRaisin, I don't think anyone is suggesting that OP leaving will make everything great. But can you really suggest that it's better than staying with a man who thinks this sort of behaviour is acceptable?

This is gaslighting 101...fail and then blame the other, make them apologise for your short comings and ignore them until they accept everything is their fault.
Honey run. If his opinion hasn't changed for a year, it won't change now. Blaming his lack of empathy on maybe being autistic is ridiculous. He is twisting the narrative to make himself feel better and has you second guessing yourself.
But most importantly do you want your child to learn these unhealthy was of controlling their partner. If you put up with this BS, you are teaching your child that their fathers behaviour is normal and OK.
Just cos he pays for things doesn't make him a decent person.
Take care and be confident. You did nothing wrong, if he can't love and help you on your worst days he does not deserve you on your best days.. Or that stupid apology

did he come back op?

Eurgh I literally hate that stranger you just described! What a bastard. I wish I could plant myself inside your body for a bit to put him in his place before I kick him out! Ha, seriously though, just get rid of the pig.

OP are you actually making excuses for your husband? He was awful and totally insensitive to you and his child.
Even if you were awful he had cero empathy.
Please don't ask for opinions or advice if you are going to defend the indefensible.

So he thought you had pnd and did nothing to help? I think he should be on his knees begging your forgiveness. Having a newborn can be a difficult transition for both parents but this sounds more than the average man baby behaviour and sounds emotionally / psychologically abusive and using he puts money on the table doesnt give him carte blanche to not participate in parenting. If he doesnt acknowledge he could have done better , you would be better off going it alone sorry

Please tell him to fuck off OP! How dare he ask for an apology!! He sounds like a complete and utter cunt

He didn't want to talk about it when DC was asleep upstairs. Okaaaaay. Seems like a good time to me.

Have you tried asking him when a good time is and getting him to commit? His response will tell you a lot. When a person doesn't want to talk about something, there is literally never a 'good' time.

I got told, not first thing in the morning, not last thing at night, not before we've eaten, not after that nice meal, not on a weekend, not when we've just had a good day, not when we've just had a bad day, not when things are stressful at work (when aren't they?) etc.

I began to think there had been a 'good' time for the talk sometime in September 1984, on a Tuesday between 4pm and 4.24pm and I'd somehow missed it!

If he's blocking, you've got a big problem.

Oh, and I only got him to the table to talk by downloading, printing and filling in divorce papers and handing them to him. It wasn't a bluff; I would have followed through and he finally realised that. Suddenly it was urgent that we talked. Who knew? 🙄

@MarriageSOS
hi I’m worried you’ve gone quiet. I hope you are safe and are looking after yourself. Please don’t feel you have to leave your thread.

I’m guessing the responses you’ve had might feel a bit overwhelming right now. Please remember you don’t owe us anything. You don’t have to take any of our advice or actually do anything.

If it all feels too much right now, it’s ok just to post for some virtual handholding.

We are not here to judge you.

We will be here for you whenever you need to talk.

Did he return?

Just finished reading TFT. Your original post was upsetting, your updates also. I know love is one of those gut emotions that doesn't necessarily need a clear reason to exist... You still love him, despite everything.

But the fact that he didn't feel any urge to visit his sick baby in hospital, and even tried to persuade you not to go so often, shows that he doesn't love your child, and his treatment of you sadly shows he doesn't love you either, as painful as that must be to consider.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's a really hard thing to admit to yourself, but that's the first step towards figuring out what you need to do to have a chance to be happy and heal.

Hope you're okay, OP

I feel the vitriol here is getting out of hand. I’m not standing up for your husband but I’m aware we are only hearing your side of the story.

We have read the traumas that you have gone through, and you have clearly been through some tough times but if you want to preserve the relationship you both need to work on it.

Yes, he will need to come to the table too and there will be lots of tears, probably on both sides. But the purpose of my posting is a suggestion of how it might look from his side. Without knowing you I might be completely wrong, but it is only an observation.

When I read your first post I was very struck by how I felt when my husband had crippling depression, and perhaps had a glimpse of the situation with you from your husband’s perspective. In my case, my husband shut himself off from people who loved him and wanted to help him. He was touchy and irritable and my attempts to care for him were criticised and rebuffed, I felt I was married to a stranger, and one that I feared I increasing disliked. The small glimpses of the man I fell in love with kept me fighting to help him, and I can happily say that we have come through the worst and he is recovering.

BUT - and this is where the situation might apply to your husband’s attitude - it was terrifying for us both. For him to be gripped by depression, and for me to see him so ill and feel powerless to help. He is largely recovered but has no idea of what the journey was like for me. I liken it to being pummelled and punched by someone having a bad dream - they have no idea that they are hurting you and would be mortified in “real life” that they could do such a thing, but it doesn’t mean for you that the bruises and pain isn’t real and that the event was traumatic and terrifying.

You have to move on from this together. And that means both listening to each other’s experiences. Truly listening.

I wish you luck.

Hello @MarriageSOS

Hoping all is going well with you?🌹