My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

My husband works insanely long hours... he still will take and look after our baby so I can have a break

If someone is asking for help and is as desperate as u were, you don't say you won't give what they are asking but will give something u don't want. That doesn't equal giving help and supporting

Financially supporting does not equal bring a good dad or even a dad. He's just a bank.

He needs to step up

"Accusing" u of having PND and then asking u to apologise for it? He's unforgivable

So he's demanding a full apology for a stressful time when he failed to sympathise or support? What a patronising control freak! Regardless of his pre-marriage statements he agreed to enter into parenthood with you and to then literally leave you holding the baby and spout his neanderthal man nonsense in defence is shitty behaviour. He sounds awful and even if he steps up more when your DC is older won't resentment have built up by then?

My first ever LTB
You are being emotionally abused. This man is despicable.

OP my DH was also self employed, worked 70 plus hours per week.
I also had ( as do many others ) PND.
My DH took our DS out for one afternoon EVERY week from 3 months old so I could rest / catch up with friends / read a book / do whatever.
And before anyone asks he didn't palm him off on relatives, his mum lived in Ireland.
Your "D" H is a total shit.

But what do you want more OP, a dream house or a husband that loves you? I bet you'd rather he'd worked a bit less, been a bit poorer, but been a real father...

Building up and running a buisness successfully is fantastic. It's not actually a replacement for being a loving husband, a good father and a decent human being though.

I had a shit marriage. I'm now a single parent. It is infinitely easier and better; my head works again now. I recommend it.

I rarely agree with the LTB people, but he sounds like a prize dick.

he says that before we got pregnant he put his cards on the table and said he wasn't very good with baby stuff and that if it was what I wanted he would go along with it but he wasn't interested in all the 'baby' stuff. He brings this up constantly and repeatedly. We did discus children before getting married and he seemed on board, knew it was what I wanted and how important it was to me, but then after we were married he changed his mind. I was probably stupid to think that he would be more involved when he said he wouldn't be. We were trying for about a year and i was so excited that I possibly didn't fully take into consideration his feelings

If he genuinely did that and you chose to smile and nod a lot, then it very slightly changes things in that he actually in his own mind probably feels he was honest about his side of a deal.
Perhaps this is why you're showing so much FOG around it all?

Procreating in those circumstances wasn't wise, but ultimately you both owe it to your child to deal with the here and now, not the foolish decisions on both sides that got you here.
He chose to have this child, and may have genuinely and naively thought he could make deals about involvement and duties, as if he was negotiating over a child having a guinea pig or not, but it doesn't work like that with children, as he must realise now. He may feel you trapped him into this position, but if so he chose equally to trap himself.
Accepting you may both have been naive and that he has the emotional range of a gatepost;

What do you think is now in the best interests of this child that he expects to be absent over?

I really don't see how your child can have much hope of good emotional development with this man as a role model, making it clear that he doesn't see parenting as part of being a father, and he has a right to this, while mum enables it? How do you see your child's own emotional development panning out growing up with this, and in this era?

Yabu for not divorcing him sooner!!!

OP - usually these types of threads are full of reasonable discussions, disagreements etc but every single poster has said this man is absolutely at it. The dream house isn't worth anything if you're being treated like that. The absolute audacity of wanting an apology from you is astounding.

He thinks you were ill. He failed to support you or get you some help?

He wants you to apologise ?

Best case, perhaps this very dark time could be forgotten. But honestly he sounds like a cunt. Is he absolutely wonderful in loads of ways ?

"Sorry I didn't leave you a long time ago, but I'm going to put that right and be a changed woman. Byee"

he is everything I hate in a person - irresponsible, self absorbed and selfish. fuck him off.

Seriously, dump the twat. Then you'll get his economic contribution - such as it is - but none of the shit that goes with it. You'll probably get much more help from family and friends as at the moment I expect they think he's helping so they don't need to.

Lose all that deadwood you're carrying. It'll be hard at first but you'll be so much happier in the long run. Also you'll never meet a good guy while you hang on to a bad one.

He doesn't love you and he doesn't love your child. Why would you stay?

I feel very sad for you that you were so abandoned by your partner at the time you needed him most. Luckily your baby had you, so would not have observed the disinterest, disrespect, disdain both of you were subjected to.
But would I want to apologise in order to ensure a lifetime of same? No.
And would I want my growing child to become aware of his father's atrocious attitude in future? No way.

DON'T SHOW HIM THE THREAD.

Worst thing to do. Always.

I've said it before on here and I'll say it again, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who has no interest in parenting his own child/children, I'd rather be on my own, it would absolutely break my heart if DH was dismissive about DS or avoided being actively involved with him. He's also awful to you.

He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning.

So he carried on working and doing his share of the housework... presumably exactly as he had been doing all his adult life?

So nothing changed for him? Even though babies add a huge amount of additional work... he took on none of it. He just carried on working and doing his share of the housework as if nothing had changed.

I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).

Really? Most men work. If their wives work too, most men do some housework. Did you work before having a child?

If so, he's actually just doing what most men who don't have children do.

Do not apologise to this poor excuse for a husband. He 'helped' to clean! You live together, it isn't helping it is his home as well.

If you had PND then why did he not step up more? Oh yes he is an abusive entitled twat.

You are doing a great job and have from the start. 99% of parents would spend everyday with their premature baby in hospital he is talking shite.

Please consider your future with this awful man and DO NOT APOLOGISE you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

The only person who deserves an apology is you.

OP, all the things he did re cooking and shopping etc are the basic things a person should do in order to contribute to the household in which they live. Not only did he have a household to contribute to however, he had a baby to parent and a wife to emotionally support. He has not done those things. If he thought you had PND why wasn’t he supporting you? Why wasn’t he helping you seek outside support?

If it hadn’t been for the baby I’d just say he’s a sexist pig, but the way he has behaved towards you makes him much worse than that, and the fact that he now expects you to apologize for his behaviour puts him firmly in the realms of an abuser.

There’s no way on earth I would be saying sorry to this man. I think you should be apologising to yourself for marrying this arsehole and putting yourself through his nastiness, then you should leave the bastard, try to move on with your life, look after your child and forgive yourself, and vow to never let yourself be so devalued again.

Your husband sounds a joke.

My husband runs a successful company sometimes he is out the house 6 am - 10 pm providing an amazing life for me and our son but he is never emotionally abusive. If your son was in hospital he would expect one if there and emotionally support us.

Tbh your husband is comming across quite narcissistic. The fact he won’t go to councilling or but effort in to making your marriage work speaks volumes.

Useally nothing is 100 % fault of anyone which you are willing to accept but he isn’t willing to see his wrong doing x

Please dont show him this hes not the type to say oh of course im wrong silly me
not going tosee your baby in hospital is chilling-its not necessary? who says that even if theyre scared of parenting

even if he did say im not into the baby stuff guess what they dont stay babies forever-how can you not even want to play with your child for half an hour-he sounds very cold and calculating

He is an utter utter cunt. This "man" doesn't love you or his child. You deserve better.

My DH works 12hr shifts. He still comes home and the first thing he does is take DD to spend time with her and give me a break. I have PTSD from the birth and have anxiety also, he has been nothing but supportive towards me around it. He works his arse off for us but he also shows us he cares, he parents, and he's a kind and good husband. You don't deserve to be treated like rubbish and nor does your DC. It is also not good for your DC to grow up seeing this kind of relationship either, speaking as someone who had an emotionally abusive father who treated my mum like absolute shit. There's no justification for his behaviour, honestly.