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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
BakewellGin1 · 08/08/2020 11:30

Did I read that right? He didn't see it was necessary to see the baby in hospital every day?

He did nothing to help you or the baby whilst things were difficult

Make arrangements to leave and tell him he may of dreaded coming home but you dreaded his arrival too.

He sounds like an absolute dick who needs to get over himself. 100% do not take the blame for this as he will use it against you forever especially if he sees this as you 'admitting' it was your fault

YgritteSnow · 08/08/2020 11:30

Do you know I honestly would say "I'm going to tell you now, I will never apologise for that time because I have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Clearly this apology is important to you and whether our marriage continues seems to hinge on it but it won't happen. Please make your decisions on this accordingly because this is stalemate and I will not budge, so I will give you a week or two to think things over and at the end of that time, if you're still adamant you're owed this apology I must conclude our marriage is over". Then leave it at that.

BeChuille · 08/08/2020 11:31

''He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.''

Just reading this sentence again. It was ''all'' your fault. What, everything from the baby screaming to having intolerances? The fact that he had already put down his foot dictating which tasks he would do meaning that you had to wait ages for him to make dinner because he was prepared to do that but needed a rest first.

This is the behaviour of a man with zero self-esteem. He can take no criticism. NONE.

You're pushing water uphill trying to make this work.

Laserbird16 · 08/08/2020 11:31

Boo frickty hoo.

Pack his bags and tell him sorry not sorry.

What a prince! You and your child deserve better

ginghamtablecloths · 08/08/2020 11:32

What an absolutely foul character. I'd be getting out of this relationship if it was at all possible. There is no polite word to describe him. I'm sorry you are lumbered with an apology for a real man.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/08/2020 11:32

So all he contributes is money? If you lose him, you can still get the money. Just saying.

nevermorelenore · 08/08/2020 11:33

I really hope you're making plans to leave right now. Or at least on birth control so you don't go through a second round of this.

VettiyaIruken · 08/08/2020 11:33

He's a total twat.
He owes you an apology.
He's a waste of skin. A crap husband and a crap father.

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 08/08/2020 11:33

The only thing you have to be sorry for is that you haven’t packed his bags sooner, what about absolute arsehole. Fuck him off right out the door.

Do not apologise to him because you went to hospital to see your baby that’s what parents do

MumW · 08/08/2020 11:33

Tell him

"I was so exhausted coping with a difficult baby without your support that I had no idea which way was up and which way was down. I'm sorry if you felt I was difficult to live with at that time but, being so alone and so tired, that period is a total blur as all my energy was put into just surviving. If we'd worked together as partners and parents like normal families It's not the 1950s then the situation would've been so much more bearable for all of us. I don't think that I have anything to apologise for, in fact you should apologise to me for opting out of parenthood and abandoning me at a time of great need."

If you really want to continue as a family, then insist on couples counselling so you can both work through the issues.

However, I think he's shown his true colours and you need to get all your ducks in a row and LTB. Things will be hard as a single parent, but so much easier not having to deal with your selfish, unsupportive twat of a husband.

Flowers
Sharpandshineyteeth · 08/08/2020 11:34

Leave this man now. He is awful in a crisis. When it really matters. What if you or baby get sick or seriously ill in the future. You’d be on your own.

MinnieJackson · 08/08/2020 11:34

He sounds intolerable op. Don't let him treat you this way. It's easy for an anonymous stranger to say but he wasn't there when you needed support.

Do you think he might have been worried about getting 'too bonded' with your baby when they had their health issues and maybe he feared the worst and went into a sort of self preservation mode? It's no excuse at all for the things he has said to you Flowers

IfIHadAHeart · 08/08/2020 11:34

Bin him. He’s a twat. He won’t change for the better he will only get worse. His total lack of love and respect from you is clear in every word you’ve written.

GreyishDays · 08/08/2020 11:35

I’d focus on the present “he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening.”

That would be enough for me to end the relationship.

IfIHadAHeart · 08/08/2020 11:35

*for you

Ginkypig · 08/08/2020 11:35

So hang on even if you were not very nice during that time (which I don't think is true, I think you were just desperately trying to get him to understand how difficult it was and help) he wants you to apologise for having a severe mental health condition even though he now admits he knew you were ill and still didn't help or behave nicely towards you!

I'm sorry but he is not worth all this energy, your life and your emotional being will improve immeasurably if you weren't in a relationship with him.

You might have had pnd but I think he was a major part in triggering it if you did because he didn't just watch you struggle with a difficult birth and newborn very ill child he actively insulted you and treated you badly and weaponised your reaction to you sick child and minimised the importance of said sick child when he knew you were at your absolutely most vulnerable.

He is actually despicable!

Onekidnoclue · 08/08/2020 11:36

Do not apologise! He’s made fuck all contribution beyond what a credit card could do. You could hire a cleaner, order takeaway and that’s all he’s done.
Marriage is suppose to be a partnership. He sounds like he’s an utter cunt.

blurpityblurp · 08/08/2020 11:36

He’s an abuser, phone a solicitor and file for divorce. There’s no way this marriage can be saved unless he’s willing to work hard and he’s clearly not interested.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2020 11:36

I'd ltb op in all honesty. DS was in NICU 13 weeks. DH was there or every waking moment for the first two weeks and then he went back to work but he saw our son before work and after work every day and we spent every hour of the weekend with him. I couldn't get over him not wanting to be with his incredibly frankly and vulnerable child or meaning you to listener dream with the loss of your child alone.

Then he thinks you had pnd but instead of getting you help, he made it an about how you cried and it wasn't working for him.

He still CBA to care for his child properly

He won't take ANY responsibility for anything that happened on that period because how could be not be anything but the best husband ever. And regardless of the debate over who works harder, wohp or sahp, I know without a doubt if your baby was in NICU the answer is you.

I couldn't be with someone who is such an arsehole

LordOfTheOnionRings · 08/08/2020 11:36

Get rid.

purplemunkey · 08/08/2020 11:36

My first ever LTB. I’m quite staggered by your OP. I think you’ve had such a rough ride with your baby you can’t see how awful this is. He is a terrible, terrible human being. I really think both you and baby are better of without him.

Noidea2114 · 08/08/2020 11:37

OP first of all YOU have nothing to apologise for.
A marriage is about supporting each other in good times and bad, your husband is showing his true colours as an abusive p.
You need to ask yourself do you want to stay in this abusive relationship, do you want your child to grow up in this toxic relationship.
When you have thought about it, think of how good or bad you and your childs life will be.
If you decide to leave get as much information for financial support you can get.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

MotherofKitties · 08/08/2020 11:38

OP he is neither a husband, father or partner to you or your child.

Don't apologise. Get a divorce. Thanks

Chickychoccyegg · 08/08/2020 11:39

I feel so angry for you reading this, you have absolutely nothing to apologise for, he sounds like an absolute arse, and if i were you I'd be packing his bags and telling him to fuck off!!!
you and your baby deserve so much more than this absolute loser of a partner and dad.

TakeASadSong · 08/08/2020 11:40

What a complete arsehole. Whatever you do, DO NOT have more babies with this man.