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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

539 replies

MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:00

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

OP posts:
hellywelly3 · 08/08/2020 11:20

Please don’t apologise. He’s a twat and the reasons things are better because you’ve got through it not him. If you were my friend I’d be telling you to kick his arse to the curb.

WhoKnew19 · 08/08/2020 11:20

Your update does nothing to redeem him unfortunately OP. I feel so sorry for you that you had to go through all that with an unsupportive partner. You have done nothing to apologise for, please know that and start to consider whether you want to stay with this man or not.

lockdownalli · 08/08/2020 11:21

LTB

Seriously.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/08/2020 11:21

Shouldn’t it be him apologising to you that he failed to hold down a 9-5 job and help you out.

I don’t think you can come back from this.
It is something that even if you apologised he would just take it as you admitting you were in the wrong and it would be brought up at every disagreement

I don’t think you can do anything but leave/kick him out.

Being single with a baby has got to be a much happier life for you than staying in a relationship with a person who wants you to do everything child related/house related and be bright and bubbly and massage his ego every night.

Family life doesn’t work like that. He isn’t cut out for family life.
Go now for both your sakes. What happens when your dc reaches different stages in their life.
If he can’t cope with a baby who does what babies do how is he going to manage with a toddler or a teenager who will be taller than him and won’t have any respect for him because he hasn’t been there in his life even though they live under the same roof.

This has disaster written all over it if you stay

Brefugee · 08/08/2020 11:21

Leave him and go for 50/50 custody. He's a knob.

popsydoodle4444 · 08/08/2020 11:21

Christ what a narcissist.

Why have a child with him because he doesn't sound like he wanted to be a dad.

Herja · 08/08/2020 11:21

@MarriageSOS

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out? He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot).
Does it even matter? He has also openly said he hated you and still refuses to do anything for your child...

Forget whether you were horrible or not (and if you were, it sounds bloody justified). Ignore that.

Think about the type of person who thinks seeing their ill child is 'not necessary', that refusing to help their emotionally broken, begging wife is ok because they want down time, who seems to want nothing to do with their child and who is being regulary emotionally cruel (possibly abusive). Is that really someone who loves you? Cares for you, cherishes you? Is that actually someone who you want to be with? Someone who has openly voiced their hatred of you...

Don't think about if you were horrible and should apologise. Think about leaving this utter wanker.

Original poster
MarriageSOS · 08/08/2020 11:22

Sorry i should have said before, he says that before we got pregnant he put his cards on the table and said he wasn't very good with baby stuff and that if it was what I wanted he would go along with it but he wasn't interested in all the 'baby' stuff. He brings this up constantly and repeatedly. We did discus children before getting married and he seemed on board, knew it was what I wanted and how important it was to me, but then after we were married he changed his mind. I was probably stupid to think that he would be more involved when he said he wouldn't be. We were trying for about a year and i was so excited that I possibly didn't fully take into consideration his feelings.

OP posts:
campion · 08/08/2020 11:22

Obviously you've nothing to apologise for.

If you think there's a point in keeping your marriage then you both need some expert counselling (well he does but it'll probably help for you to be there) so that he can hear a totally different scenario.

It's easy for strangers to tell you to leave but maybe you think there's something to salvage?

Anyway,don't apologise.

YgritteSnow · 08/08/2020 11:22

But what if I was that horrible to him and I just don't remember because I was tired and emotionally drained and was lashing out?

This way of thinking, "well if I hadn't said/thought/behaved that way and ruined it all, maybe we could get back to how well we got on before", kept me in an abusive marriage for five years longer than I should have stayed. My mental health was in shreds by the end and I still haven't recovered 12 years on. Probably never will.

I promise you, it's not you OP.

GoldenOmber · 08/08/2020 11:23

I think you should apologise to him for not realising what an emotionally abusive cunt he was earlier. Start making plans to leave.

Agree with this.

He sounds like a shit husband and a shit father. He brought in money? Well so do working parents everywhere, we don’t expect to be pandered to for it while ignoring our children.

Crazycatlady83 · 08/08/2020 11:23

You are being abused, leave....now

Bemorechicken · 08/08/2020 11:24

@tabulahrasa

Honestly? I’d tell him to fuck off... and mean it.
^This totally. He needs to apologise not you. Bloody hell. Please and I mean this LTB -at least you will get a free weekend EOW when he takes your DC. Don't you dare apologise. Where was his "in sickness and in health" -wanker.
Chloemol · 08/08/2020 11:24

Do not apologise. He should be apologising to you, his job is to provide the money and roof 8ver your head! What a twat
You need to start getting things together and leave. He is no example to your child

tankflybos · 08/08/2020 11:24

"He was very good at providing. He ran a company, did the majority of shopping and cooking and helped with cleaning. I know he did a lot more than what a lot of men do (he reminds me of this quite a lot)."

Seriously, that's the absolute minimum he should do. Who did he "help" with cleaning the house he lives in?

Every man I've ever been with has pulled his weight. Tell him to leave you in peace and piss off back to 1958

Shizzlestix · 08/08/2020 11:25

Honestly, why are you putting up with his shit? He’s talking crap and you know it. Are you scared to confront him in case he leaves? What would you lose if he left?

TheAquaticDuchess · 08/08/2020 11:25

OP the only thing you should be doing is leaving this horrible, horrible man. You can’t see how bad things are because you’re in the depths of them but please believe me - this is a horrible relationship and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.

SummerPoppies · 08/08/2020 11:25

He's a real charmer isn't he OP!
If you had crashed his car, apologise.
If you accidentally clouted him while dancing, apologise.
If you've had a tough time which has stressed you to the hilt, no apology needed.
What exactly is he bringing to this party apart from more stress? In a word, nothing.
Now you have a choice of three outcomes.
You can apologise and wait until he deems you to have screwed up and awaits another apology.
You can leave him and tell him to expect his apology on the first of never.
You can stay and tell him to expect an apology on the first of never and while he's waiting, to grow the hell up.

JoJoSM2 · 08/08/2020 11:25

I was probably stupid to think that he would be more involved when he said he wouldn't be.

When you decide to become a father, you need to be one. No excuses as no one is ‘good’ straight away and it’s a learning curve.

Not sure why you’re making excuses for him. I’d rather be single for 10 lifetimes than go anywhere near such a nasty human being.

BeChuille · 08/08/2020 11:25

It sounds like dominance is his goal here. He wants to be RIGHT. He wants your submission.

Dominance and genuine intimacy aren't compatible. So even if you do apologise, there can be no really genuine connection that comes from his dominance and your submission.

When you're splitting up though, you know that his ego is his master.

If you are going to split up, play to that. Go along with the narrative that you used being horrible to him as a coping mechanism and he deserved better and you've done too much damage to the relationship and he can't forgive.

iklboo · 08/08/2020 11:26

He's only interested in himself. Not you, not your child (who he should adore beyond measure). Demanding apologies for his hurt feels and not being worshipped like a demi-god? Leave him OP. You and your child deserve much better than this vile excuse for a man.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/08/2020 11:29

MarriageSOS

Just seen your update.

He did the normal stuff that dads do when you have a baby or even if you didn’t have a baby.

The fact that you think you should be grateful and think what he did was amazing just shows how deep in the FOG you are.

Think about what he did and is there anything he did that only benefitted you.

He went to work, he cleaned, he shopped and he cooked

If he didn’t work he too wouldn’t have money. He didn’t want to live in a messy house and if he didn’t shop and cook he would have gone hungry,

All you asked him to do for you was take his baby for 10 minutes so you could get your head together, have a break from your 24 hour job.
You could have gone shopping/cleaned the house or cooked whilst he looked after the baby but he didn’t because taking the baby would have helped you not him.

Lockdownseperation · 08/08/2020 11:29

I thought he was dick from the point you said that he thought you didn’t need to see your baby every day in hospital. A prem baby, dealing with undiagnosed allergies and a dick of a husband no wonder you hand PND. Even if he didn’t like babies and I get that new borns are hard and don’t seem to make any sense and he hasn’t bonded yet he should have taken baby and given you a break for your sake. Was he selfish before you had the baby?

DH argued in the early days with our first. We had a hard start but he we were both to blame and he tried his hardest to support me and be there for the babies. How do you think you child will feel living with a Dad who just isn’t interested. I couldn’t forgive your DH crap never mind apologise for it.

Would you consider couples counselling or counselling for yourself?

StillMedusa · 08/08/2020 11:29

Honestly? My first pregnancy was accidental, and afterwards I had horrific PND and really wasn't coping.. I was a complete mess.
DH did everything.. some days I could barely hold the baby. He took extra time off work, looked after the house, looked after me, looked after the baby... that's what a GOOD partner does.

Yours is not a good man.. he went to work, cooked and did the shopping.. does he want a Blue Peter Badge for that?!?!?!?! That's what adults DO!!!!!!!!

I would not be apologising; I would be pointing out the above and telling him that either he starts to be a real parent or he is free to leave... and start getting my finances in order/plans to single parent. You and your baby deserve better .

BlingLoving · 08/08/2020 11:30

Oh Jesus. OP, my eyebrows just kept going up and up reading this.

Your baby was stuck in hospital, alone, and he was upset because you spent every day there? And clearly, he didn't spend any time there? I mean, right there, alone, is a sign that this man is horrible horrible horrible.

You may or may not have been horrible to him, but clearly he gave you zero support or help.

Please, I don't understand what you could possibly be getting out of this relationship. And I can't see what your child could possibly be getting out of this relationship