My husband won't forgive me unless I apologise

[MarriageSOS]

To try and cut a long story short, my husband and I have not been getting on for some time and things are getting worse. I had a difficult and I ended up giving birth very early which then resulted in a long hospital stay for our little one. We argued during this time as I was going every day and was exhausted and he didn't think it was necessary and I was bringing it on myself so he had no sympathy. I felt completely alone and was hurting, helpless and scared.

Once home we really struggled. Our baby didn't sleep and screamed constantly. We much later found out it was due to intolerances. I would be screamed at all day and felt like a complete failure and completely alone. I kept asking him to help and take the baby when he got home so I could just have 10 minutes on my own. I would happily cook dinner, just to have time off but he always said no as he didn't like baby stuff and the baby needed me not him and he'd had a hard day and just wanted to relax for a bit when he got home. This again caused arguments. I did say things like I wish he would be more of a father and help out more but he said his contribution was to provide the money and a roof over our heads not to deal with the baby stuff. We had a lot of arguments and just couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything.

We are a year or so on and things with the baby are much better, although he still rarely looks after our child, never does bath or bed time so I can never go out or do anything on an evening. But he is still harbouring resentment from that first 6 months when according to him I was a nightmare to live with and he thinks its clear I had PND as I was so horrible to him. He says he used to drive to work hating me and not want to come home as he knew all he would get is me crying or being angry with him and he got no appreciation for how hard he was working to provide for us.

He wants an apology for how horrible I was to him and how miserable I made him but I don't know how to apologise as I don't remember being that awful but I do remember it being an awful time and crying out for him to help me and him turning his back on me and saying it was my problem to deal with. So we appear to be at an impass.

I dont know if we can recover from this unless I apologise and take all the blame for everything. I have tried saying I'm sorry that I hurt him but that I was hurting too and felt alone, but he wants more than that. He wants me to apologise and mean it with no 'buts' and fully acknowledge that it was all my fault.

AIBU? Should I just apologise and take all the blame?

I think you owe it to your DD to leave this 'man' OP. He's done a number on you if you even have to ask.
If she grows up with this it'll be beyond damaging to her. You also deserve way better. Sorry but he sounds like a sociopath.

Oh my god, leave him. He’s foul.

You won’t change him. You’re wasting your time hanging around.

Waiting for him to change is like waiting for a park bench to turn into a giraffe. You can beg it, reason with it, wish for it and hope until you’re blue in the face.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

Where do you go from here. I see you have two choices 1) You and your child continue to live in an abusive situation. Your partner is abusive to you. Children living in home were abuse is taking place are considered to be abused too. 2) You end the relationship. Please don’t do this options without getting support from others first and I would strongly advise you contact a domestic abuse organisation first for advice before you speak to him.

Why are you with him?

Apologise to him??? The only thing you need to do is leave. He’s an abusive arsehole. He needs to step up and support you and your child, physically and emotionally, not expect an apology. If he can’t see that, your relationship is already on borrowed time and he’s going to make you absolutely miserable before it finally ends in tears.

‘ I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...’

It’s because he doesn’t have any respect for you op and doesn’t really care, it’s just another way of manipulating you into thinking you’re wrong and keeping you quiet.

Putting my hands up I haven't read all posts but my initial thought is WOW.

This is going to have to be a move on situation or leave

He does need to be more of a father though. Jeez men don't have the maternal instinct but sure my children want him. Baby's need two parents if it's possible.

He was their to make the baby. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

He needs to step up

This is emotional abuse

I tried talking to him but he said he didn't want to have this discussion with me when DC was asleep upstairs and tbh my whole attitude was atrocious and he cant be arsed with me and he walked out and has driven off. So I dont really know where to go from here...’

Ah so now he cares about dd's feelings? Or he doesn't, it's just another excuse.

My advice is calmly lay it on the table. You will not be apologising as you disagree it was a mutual problem. Ask him where he wants to go from there and put the ball back in his court. Do not threaten to leave and be calm. Repeat the same thing if you have to, the apology is not happening as you disagree with him. Ask again what his next step from there is. Is he moving on from it or ending it? Don’t allow him to remain in his head the one who is wronged and passive whilst all
The bad things are done to him. If he wants to fuck it all up or end it over a difficulty start to parenthood let him instigate it and carry through. It’s not your decision to be the one who’s the arsehole.

This, on repeat everytime he says anything negative about you..

His choice to either stop this blame game or to end the relationship. But you don't get to be the whipping boy.

OP I had a husband like that. He had a well paid job and we lived in a huge bungalow but it was all for show. When I had DD it all went downhill. He refused to do anything for her unless it was for his benefit. After one particular instance he turned on me and said "you're fucking obsessed with that child". That did it for me and I took our DD and moved out. I went from having the dream house and a bit of money to a small HA home, a part time wage and in work benefits. Over 20 years on and I wouldn't swap the life me and DD had together on our own for that we had before.
A good life with very little is still better than a bad life with a lot.

If he literally said he can't be arsed with you he really is telling you what he thinks and I suggest you listen hard, and believe him.

In his head he's constructed a set of reasons why it's ok to treat you as a rejected 'bad dog' in disgrace that should know it's place and be cowering subserviently and begging to be allowed to worm it's way back into his acceptance. He then gets to decide if, when, how much, and how often.
You haven't responded by rolling over and submitting at which point you are not only a bad dog, but one he doesn't want around or to be around.

In his head he may be justifying this in that he felt there was a deal over having a child, that he feels you've broken. Even if there's some basic facts in that at the beginning, that makes him at the very least ridiculously immature and unsuitable to be involved in raising a child. He may be on the spectrum, but as others have said it isn't a get out of jail free card for also being an arsehole.

BTW I've heard a lot of 'unreasonable' (from a NT pov) responses from people on the spectrum dealing badly with emotion and relationships but the 'can't be arsed with you' imo points away from ASD/NT conflict and straight to a toxic arse telling you were you stand and able to gauge and desire the effect of doing so.

He's definitely not looking to in any way sort out the situation, other than making you subservient and 'owing him' and while I don't usually think like this, I'd also wonder if he isn't having an affair, or done something equally bad, that he needs a way of 'justifying.'

Whatever's underlying it all, please hear that everyone's responses, from the instant LTB's, to the more nuanced posts, are saying the same thing: the situation's deeply unhealthy, he doesn't want that balance fixed, and you need to be out of this non partnership.

“Not good with baby stuff” boy I wish I’d been able to use that card. Men really get away with everything! VERY few people absolutely adore changing nappies and handling a screaming ball of tiny human who can’t articulate what is currently wrong with them. (I don’t need to hear from you if you are one of those people btw, I know you exist but I’m saying, there’s a lot of us out there who do not)

Anyway your OP is horrific and I hope you LTB. I’m not sure I’ve ever said that here but as someone who definitely struggled with PPD, it really resonated with me. Please don’t stay just because you’ve purchased a “lovely home”.

You do not owe an apology to this person.

Firstly, I think you are a wonderful mum. You sound nurturing, compassionate & committed to do things in your child's best interest. Your preference is to do that as a family. Please do not consider this has to be done at all costs. The collateral being yours & your DD well-being.
In your posts I hear your DH voice. You seem to be repeating what he asserts & that his view on things trumps all. I'd encourage you to think what it is that YOU think & believe not be bamboozled with his opinion & slant on scenarios. You even defend him on some posts & say he goes beyond what other fathers would do, yet I think that is what he tells you as you can see the resounding Mumsnet choir telling you he isn't even touching the surface on what most good fathers do willingly & without any deferential thank you badge.
He cannot stay to defend his actions & neglect of you & his child, so has to petulantly stomp away throwing you abuse aimed at confusing you & hoping you do his work for him in analysing what just happened & you're left considering if it was your fault. It's not. There's pages of replies telling you that. I know it's really hard to rejig your thinking as it sounds like he often tell you your opinion.
He might comprehend if you ask him to compare his role as parent to building up a productive successful business & how that would go if in a year he only spent an hour or two only on stuff he wanted.
Just take a minute to think whether you're content to stay with a man who is only interested to spend very brief intervals with their child in their lifetime 'only when it's to his benefit' Please don't devalue you or your child.

Honestly? I would leave him...

Oh, and an apology for you being anxious & stressed with your newborn child in hospital & not yielding or giving him recognition for going about his normal business? He can get to fuck.

Not good with baby stuff

No one is good with baby stuff. You learn on the job and get it done.

That is no excuse

I haven't rtft but I have read all your posts OP. I got to the point where you said he thinks you had PND after the birth and he wants you to apologise for it. Wtf? He has no empathy whatsoever and is punishing you for having a difficult birth and being ill. He hasn't hugged you for a year. He is an awful man. Don't waste a moment more on the tosser.

Your priority is no longer him and his issues, it is KEEPING YOU AND YOUR BABY SAFE!!
@motoko said it all.
Please Get real life legal help/advice from people who are ON YOUR SIDE, or Womens Aid or similar whilst he is out.
It is better to keep a low profile whilst you get help and "get your ducks in a row" as people say.
Whatever you do DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD as he would only use it against you.
I'm sensing that you are both at a turning point here and you need to keep things calm so that he doesn't escalate his abuse. So sorry that you are going throught this but at least you are taking the first steps to navigate your way out of this horrid situation.

@MarriageSOS

Do you have real life support? Family? Friends?

How did you get with this piece of shit in the first place? Nothing you have posted shows him as loveable ever.

This is one of those rare threads where everyone can see how bad it really is and we're all trying to make you understand that it wont get better

I know it's hard to hear. And scary. But even if you're on your own you'll find life so much easier and happier. You do it all anyway, so without that millstone round your neck things can only move upwards.

And think what kind of a father he'll be when the baby can move and make mess and talk and answer back or be naughty as he grows up.

Think of the life your baby will have with this man. It's not a good one.

Do you enjoy being with him and do you think you can forgive him and move past this?
If you want to stay together, it sounds like you need outside help.
He does not sound as though he has very good communication skills or much empathy. If he is autistic it might be that he is genuinely struggling to understand. The first few months of a new baby are a massive strain on a relationship, and you admit that you were horrible to him. He definitely should have been more understanding though. It really depends on whether you want to stay with him. If you do, it sounds like you will have to make the effort with opening the lines of communication (that does not mean you should accept the blame though).

This is one of those rare threads where everyone can see how bad it really is and we're all trying to make you understand that it wont get better. I know it's hard to hear. And scary. But even if you're on your own you'll find life so much easier and happier.

How can you really know all this from a few short paragraphs? Leaving your husband is not guaranteed to make everything great again. Terrible advice!

How can you really know all this from a few short paragraphs? Leaving your husband is not guaranteed to make everything great again. Terrible advice!

It might be difficult to be 100% sure what's going on, but we are being given an insight into the way the OP is feeling. Everything she is saying suggests that DH is not invested in family and his behaviour post partum show a clear lack of compassion, empathy and support. Of course leaving a partner isn't a magic wand that will miraculously make life better but at least the OP would be in control of her own destiny. I think it is good advice to say that she she consider that DH attitude probably won't change, to explore her feelings regarding this and consider LTB.

How can you really know all this from a few short paragraphs? Leaving your husband is not guaranteed to make everything great again. Terrible advice

Could it be any worse.

@SnackSizeRaisin

This is one of those rare threads where everyone can see how bad it really is and we're all trying to make you understand that it wont get better. I know it's hard to hear. And scary. But even if you're on your own you'll find life so much easier and happier.

How can you really know all this from a few short paragraphs? Leaving your husband is not guaranteed to make everything great again. Terrible advice!

Didn't say it would be great again (to be fair, doesn't seem it's ever been most people's idea of 'great') but she has been treated appallingly and it could well head the same way for the child. (He can only tolerate looking after it when it's behaving)

Terrible advice would be recommending staying.