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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend has stopped paying for things ..aibu to mention it?

305 replies

berryberry44 · 08/08/2020 07:34

My friend will ask me to get things from town whilst I'm up (just stupid things like shampoo or a candle etc ) but never gives me the money.
Yesterday I dropped off around £10 worth of things and she took the bag and didn't mention paying.
Then we went out for lunch and I said il get the taxi there and you pay back.
She said no problem,il give you the money for back and you can use your Uber account.
Then she gave me half the taxi fare(I don't know how she thought that was correct)
Then popped in Superdrug and I had a few things,she hands me those and says "can you pay for these and il give you money,I hate paying with my card"
I said no,I said it gets too confusing.
Can we just pay for our own things.
Aibu to say that ?
Do I mention that she never pays ?

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/08/2020 08:50

If you are too much of a wimp to ask her to pay you back and still continue to buy her shopping, then it's your own fault that cheeky fuckers take advantage. Locate your spine and deal with it like a grown up.

Snog · 08/08/2020 08:51

You don't need friends like this OP. It sounds as though you have self esteem issues because this is not what a friendship looks like at all.

KANNET · 08/08/2020 08:51

Saying she "hates paying on her card" is ridiculous

Jellyeggs · 08/08/2020 08:53

I used to find it very difficult too OP, to ask for money I was owed. My advice to you is to practice. Write out what you want to say then read it out over the phone. It’s actually scary the first time but it honestly gets easier the more you do it. Also, you will feel so good every time you stand up for yourself.

If you want to keep the friendship I think you have to say something.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 08/08/2020 08:53

I also don't like paying with my card, prefer if someone else pay's with theirs :P
What a CF your friend is!

BurtsBeesKnees · 08/08/2020 08:55

Next time you go out just tell her, it's your turn to pay for the taxi, I paid last time. If she says 'pay on your Uber account, tell her that it's £££ and ask her if she's got the cash there and then. You go out for food, just say 'you can pay for this, you owe me £50 for the shampoo, candela and x. You don't need to be funny or 'off' about it, just be very matter if fact.

She's relying on you being too polite to say anything.

Rewis · 08/08/2020 08:56

I hate using my card. And cash. I mean I hate paying for things and it is a lot more fun when someone else does it. But as an adult I pay my things cause that is how life works

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2020 09:01

I’ve come across people like this. Dh and I had a lot of piss takers in our lives, who you guessed, would go ballistic if their behaviour was mentioned. What this friend actually means is “how dare you not give me what I am demanding of you”. You are even dropping the stuff off to her house. You couldn’t act more like her servant if you tried.

rookiemere · 08/08/2020 09:02

So either she is doing it deliberately, or is someone with a more relaxed attitude to money.

I have a friend who is the latter. You do get the money back eventually, but by god you do have to keep asking for it. She's a really nice person, just genuinely a bit scatty. I'm now in the position where I owe her money and although I've asked twice, she has not sent through her bank details for me to repay her.

In this case, I'd tot up how much she actually owes you. If it were me I'd ping her a message with a list of the items and your bank details. I doubt you're going to get the money back, but you can certainly use it for not paying for anything else, if you still want to hang out with her - I wouldn't.

BrieAndChilli · 08/08/2020 09:02

I never come across this sort of behaviour in real life only on mumsnet!!!

In my circle we all pay for our own stuff, especially when shopping! When on a rare night out we would take it in turns to buy a round I suppose.
My friend did ask me to pickup something from gonoutdoors the other day as I was going and it’s miles away from where we live but she gave me the money straight away and I booked activities for our camping trip next week and again she transferred me her half of the money straight away when I booked it. And I do the same when she books something

LaurieFairyCake · 08/08/2020 09:03

Text her and say "you need to transfer the £50 to this account number, apologies I keep forgetting to ask you for it"

The 'apology' in the second part of the sentence is very important - as you're apologising for not ASKING, it's already agreed with no wiggle room that she does OWE YOU THE MONEY

If she doesn't pay you back after the above then you know it's time to be over with this friendship

BeChuille · 08/08/2020 09:03

I hate using my card! That really is a weird objection that just means ''I hate when the money comes out of MY bank account''.

Say no OP. It will be really good practice for you to say no.

She may not react well to your boundary.

I defended a few small boundaries along the way in the last 5 years and each time, the cheeky fucker has been very hurt by my boundary! Confused

But do it anyway.

pussycatinboots · 08/08/2020 09:05

Now she's text asking me to look in Debenhams to see if they have these pjs.
Tell the cheeky cow to order them online.
You are not her personal shopper/cashpoint!

Parker231 · 08/08/2020 09:05

I do shopping each week for two elderly neighbours. They transfer the money to my account. Each week they have done the transfer before I’ve even got home. Your friend can do the same.

dentydown · 08/08/2020 09:06

If it was a quid here and there and she’s reciprocal about it I would say let it go.

I would say it’s time to have a skint week. Then ask her outright if she’s having any money problems.

Foghornleghorn99 · 08/08/2020 09:09

I have a friend like this. She thinks nothing of £10 here and there between friends, now I'm not asking her to pay me for every single penny but she owes me £9.50 and acted like I should just let it go as it's an insignificant amount

Smelborp · 08/08/2020 09:09

She’s using you. Let her fly off the handle, she’s in the wrong here. Do you think she has money issues? Even if she does, it’s no excuse for being manipulative and getting you to pay for things.

Boohoohoohooho · 08/08/2020 09:09

I keep a note on my phone when I owe people or when they owe me. It’s too easy to forget.

SuitedandBooted · 08/08/2020 09:12

She's a user. She knows exactly what she is doing.

There is no point in being all analytical - "Why does she do this? Why doesn't she pay for herself like I would?" She does it because you let her. You are being bullied by the implied threat of her anger and loss of "friendship".

You need to have long, hard look at this relationship, and what makes a real friend. And no, just knowing somebody for a long time isn't the deciding factor.

billy1966 · 08/08/2020 09:12

OP,

If you are prepared to be treated like this by a friend, you need to take a good hard look at yourself because you are very vulnerable to being really badly treated in an intimate relationship.

Standing up for yourself and having boundaries are very important life skills.

Knowing your friend is ripping you off and being afraid of her kicking off is a very bad dynamic to accept.

You sound afraid of her.

You need to look at why you think its ok to be ripped off and why you think its rude to ask for money back.

You have MUG written on your forehead, and your friend knows it.

Ask yourself why you think she is all you deserve in a friend?

Someone who is actively trying to take advantage of you.

You need to put your energy in developing assertiveness or you possibly have a really hard life ahead of you.

That would be a shame.Flowers

Illuyanka · 08/08/2020 09:12

You just need to tell her she need to pay you back. Make the list of what she owes you and just hand it to her.
And don't get her anything unless she pays in advance, or pay in exchange of the items.
You shouldn't feel awkward for asking her to pay what she owes you.

Chickychickydodah · 08/08/2020 09:13

You are enabling her, you have to stop now...

ImFree2doasiwant · 08/08/2020 09:15

Shes taking the piss! You feel cheeky asking for money for the things she wanted you to buy? If she saud, "will you buy me sone shampoo, a candle and my taxi fare" you'd day no, wouldn't you?

Think of a practice a firm phrase "no, I think it's best we keep things seperate, as you use me £50 already". Or, send her a breezy message "Hi CF friend, hope you're ok, blah blah blah, oh and could you let me have the money for x,y,z please? Thanks! Xx"

Mary46 · 08/08/2020 09:19

God so cheeky. You will have to say it. I would be blunt and say 50 is owed from last time. My friend used dither at till in cafes. I stopped using my card just have exact cash ready!! God she cheeky

MrDarcysMa · 08/08/2020 09:21

Why are you letting her do this ?
And why aren't you asking her for the money she owes you back ?

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