My friend has stopped paying for things ..aibu to mention it?

[berryberry44]

My friend will ask me to get things from town whilst I'm up (just stupid things like shampoo or a candle etc ) but never gives me the money.
Yesterday I dropped off around £10 worth of things and she took the bag and didn't mention paying.
Then we went out for lunch and I said il get the taxi there and you pay back.
She said no problem,il give you the money for back and you can use your Uber account.
Then she gave me half the taxi fare(I don't know how she thought that was correct)
Then popped in Superdrug and I had a few things,she hands me those and says "can you pay for these and il give you money,I hate paying with my card"
I said no,I said it gets too confusing.
Can we just pay for our own things.
Aibu to say that ?
Do I mention that she never pays ?

Oh dear.
Have you got the receipts for all the stuff she hasn't yet paid for?

Going forward say no. Too bad if she's angry with you. That says more about her than you.

I rarely get things for friends but when I do I hand over the receipt and don't leave til the money is back in my hand. Or watched a bank transfer.

If you don't want to deal with the confrontation regards previous money owed, just say no to further requests.

Good luck.

Sorry for the following capitals
"SOME FUCKING FRIEND"
Manipulative piss taker more like.
If you really must keep her, keep your purse to yourself. The answer is always no.If she has the brass neck to raise it, and I bet you she will, you need to say,
"I am on a budget. I have realised that paying for stuff for other people throws that budget. Especially when cf choose not to pay back. Ever."

She’s taking advantage of your good nature and really doesn’t sound like a friend.

Is there anything positive you get out of this friendship?

After 15 years it sounds like she totally knows how to play you.

Asking for money can feel cheeky, I can understand how this would make you feel awkward as any normal friend would have the money ready for you. I’m one of those people with money ready, especially (before being furloughed) when work colleagues have bought lunch etc, I would feel awful if I couldn’t pay for something I’d asked for.

Message her about the pjs, tell her she’ll need to PayPal you or bank transfer the money upfront and for the other items, so £85 please CF ‘friend’! Although I’m pretty sure she’ll come up with another excuse.

She’s not a friend so much as a dependant 🤨 who uses her anger to control other people & manipulate them.

If someone was coming to mine with things I had asked them to get,I would have the money ready.
You know you have to pay for things.
I don't get it.

I see this a lot on threads like this. The point is, you don’t need to understand her behaviour. You aren’t helped by us agreeing her behaviour is shit. The only genuinely helpful and useful thing you need to understand is that your behaviour can change to prevent this annoying dynamic happening.

If she won’t like you cos you stop buying stuff then she’s hardly a friend.

She's taking the piss out of you and you're letting her her do so.

Tell her outright - I can't keep buying things for you because you're not giving me the money back for anything. Leave it at that - if she reacts badly then it's time to withdraw from her and go low contact because she certainly is not a friend to you. She's using you.

You let get do it! You offered to pay for the taxi , knowing she wouldn't pay you!

Get a backbone and start saying No. And if you fall out you'll be better off!

Has she always been like this op? Or is it fairly recent?
Is there a chance that she's struggling for money, but feels ashamed so doesn't want to say anything? I think you need to have a chat with her. If you've been friends for 15 years, and she reacts poorly then she's just no friend. Try and get to the bottom of it and you can either move forward or let her go.

What do you nean 'fly off the handle'? It sounds like you're a bit scared of your friend? If you just mean that she'll kick off a bit, then let her and have it out. Don't put yourself in a friendship whete you're scared of their reaction.

And asking her isn't 'cheeky'. It's normal, if someone doesn't offer repayment. If anyone is cheeky, it's her; I'd go with 'fucking rude" though personally...

And I do have really good mates where one of us will get lunch, then another coffee, then maybe pay for a small thing for the other to even it out. But we are open and it evens itself out. If we were out and realised the next day that one had paid more, it's the work of seconds to resolve that via a text and a bank transfer.
Bet She tries it with every person she meets.

She’s taking you for a mug & you are being one . It’s as plain as the nose on your face, she is practically stealing from you & you are allowing it.

Why can't she look for the pj's herself?

She flies off the handle?? is she four?

If she owes you money say can you transfer the money you owe me please? Today if possible, if not I'll pop round on Wednesday and you can give me the cash.

Decide if you want to keep bankrolling her (I'd suggest not...) because that's what will happen.

To be honest she sounds like a pain in the ass.

If it was one or two things it’s understandable. I remember a long period when my friend was on-line dating and going on regular first dates, she was so used to guys paying for lunch, or the round of drinks or dinner that she would completely forget to offer to pay her half for our lunch/coffee/takeaway etc. But bits of shopping she’s asked you to get, or suggesting you pay for things every time is inexcusable, she knows what she’s doing. She’ll cost you hundreds unless you nip it in the bud and ask for the money back now.

Just say you need to control your expenses and only use cash on purpose to keep an account and eye on things, so you'd prefer if she paid her own because things have got a bit out of control

You have no intention of sticking up for yourself
Why bother coming onto this forum?
Yoy sound desperate for friends to put up with this shitty person

I don't get this. Why do people let this sort of thing happen? OP... just WHY???

She is taking you for a fool, she is treating you like shit, she is fleecing you.

Yet you don't want to make a fuss.

Sorry, but you need to learn to stand up to her. If you can't, and if you are happy to keep bankrolling her, fine, it is your problem, but really?!!!

I would be saying something after the first incident. I'd be polite, but it would be... no, no paying for that, you pay for MINE because you owe me for the blah blah

Is her friendship so precious that you are happy to be treated like this?

OP I have been in positions like this. Not often but whilst others say it's being a doormat, I find it hard to ask for money even if I'm owed it

I have a relative who does this. We go out and she doesn't have money with her and will say "I haven't got any money so can you pay and I'll pay you back?" or she'll say "will you get me X next time you go to B&Q" even though I have no plans to go to B&Q and there is no reason why she can't go there (this is pre Covid). I don't know if she is does it on purpose but she is what I would call "tight" with money then brags about how much she has in savings.

She has been better since I have been more specific eg in a shop where we went halves on something I tied her down a bit more about which one of us was paying and how we would pay back.

Also what is this "I don't like using my card". Bring enough cash then!

Friend? Nope.

She behaves like this because she can. You need to keep your shopping trips a secret from her if you feel unable to stand up to her.

She isn't a friend she is a user.

YABU to keep enabling her.

@Biker47

"I hate paying with my card"? What they really mean is, "I hate paying for things when I can get someone else to pay for me instead".

Exactly. Even my mother, who is as technophobe as they come and can’t use a mobile phone, pays for things with a card! Utter rubbish.

We have been friends for over 15 years but you can't say anything to her or she fly's off the handle

She's using her emotional reactions to control you into being compliant.

I had a friend like that. I finally said no to her, knowing it would almost certainly end the friendship, which it did. At first I felt angry and hurt at the injustice of how she treated me, but that quickly faded and I just felt such overwhelming relief to be free of her.

Can't you see you're being bullied? If you can't bring something up within a friendship because you're scared of the reaction you'll provoke you're being bullied.

If the ?friendship? (Because I wouldn't call it that) is really that important to you then you will have to
(A) accept the losses and just never get into a situation where expenditure is involved ever again because you can't be trusted to think on your feet and find a way of saying no;
(B) just keep on subsidising another household. But a few quid here and there swiftly mounts up.

"I don't like using my card" she actually had the card with her but didn't want to use her own. What does that mean? Why not? Bizarre.
But happy to use your card at your expense!
User - Get rid.
The other option is cut your losses and from now on avoid shops, cafe with her etc if you can't cut her out of your life or go low contact.