My friend has stopped paying for things ..aibu to mention it?

[berryberry44]

My friend will ask me to get things from town whilst I'm up (just stupid things like shampoo or a candle etc ) but never gives me the money.
Yesterday I dropped off around £10 worth of things and she took the bag and didn't mention paying.
Then we went out for lunch and I said il get the taxi there and you pay back.
She said no problem,il give you the money for back and you can use your Uber account.
Then she gave me half the taxi fare(I don't know how she thought that was correct)
Then popped in Superdrug and I had a few things,she hands me those and says "can you pay for these and il give you money,I hate paying with my card"
I said no,I said it gets too confusing.
Can we just pay for our own things.
Aibu to say that ?
Do I mention that she never pays ?

Mmmmmm

Please forgive me I haven't read the whole thread but in response to the original post, I think your "friend" (I use the term loosly,) is beginning to take advantage of you. Times are hard right now and you sound like a lovely friend but this person is walking all over you.
I understand it may be a very difficult conversation to bring up so next time your friend asks, I think you should just say, "I'm really sorry but I cannot keep buying things for you anymore." That way you hit the nail on the head, you're ensuring by using the word "keep" she understands you realise she/he is taking advantage of you and if you loose them as a friend ask yourself;

1. Were they a real friend anyway?
2. Now, do I have more money?
3. Should friends treat each other this way?

Trust me, I've been there, and sometimes you've just got to say no. I did and my friend totally understood. I wasn't paid back but she's never "expected," again. One day she may try it on with me once again but it hasn't happened again in a year and we're still friends. Good luck x

Are you sure she is a friend? Only you know what she is giving back to you in terms of friendship compared to what she expects you to do for her. I think she sounds awful and you need to get rid of her. Give ger an itemized account of what she owes you first!

My I suggest you have been too soft with her and when you firm up your act she will resent it - she will be offended and make some excuse, and at the same time try to make you feel guilty. Don't bother, with friends like that you don't need enemies.
Even so, my guess is in the longer term she will come round, and you will have to make sure she doesn't try to re-establish her old habits.
Been there, read the book etc etc.

Give yourself permission to say NO, you do not have to give an excuse.I like the idea of giving her a bill, I was told as a kid!"Good accounts makes good friends". Unless she is financially in a tight spot, its OK to expect her to pay her way, and when she stiffs you on things like the taxi bill, query it, as in "I think you got that wrong, it should be..." and then stop being a push over. Her money is worth the same as yours,

I had a friend like this. I was constantly paying for everything, and not because I earned more than my friend, as I didn't...she just liked spending her money on shit like smoking and online bingo sites so was always skint, and I locked up the tab for everything else. It was my own fault for allowing it. I only heard from her when she wanted something in the end so eventually I just go so pissed off i cut her out my life. We were friends for 15 years but I figured if she cared she wouldn't have taken advantage of my kindness. Sounds like your friend is similar. Address it now before it gets worse

*picked

Is she selfish in other ways? Like emotionally? I had a friend who was one of life's takers - financially and emotionally (lots of drama). On the former front, she never got currency when we went on holiday, always went on nights out with her phone then acted surprised when most places didn't take Apple payment. Always pleading poverty than splashing out on exotic holidays, take-aways nightly, and furniture. I've seen her use boyfriends and her own parents in the same way too. I had enough and dropped her. I'm much happier and financially way better off for it!

I've had similar with one friend, who is much better off than me financially but tight as a ducks you know what. I'd previously bought 2 concert tickets and travel there and back. Cost me £200 so you'd think £100 each. Somehow she eventually after months of asking ended up giving me £60 and buying me a drink I didn't even want when we got there as I was literally that skint I didn't have money to take with me. Her excuse was I was meant to be going with someone else so if she hadn't gone I'd of been put of pocket. I just couldn't do that to someone who was already struggling... Let alone my best friend. That's just one example... The list is quite endless. In the end I just totally withdrew from the friendship.. We are now building bridges but I won't fall for that again. Be firm with your friend and also bring up that she owes you for other stuff and how it's mounted up.

Any update OP?

She’s not a friend, she’s a grifter.

Don’t blame yourself OP. The way you are is normal, it takes a while to identify a CF.
I had a friend like this, pleaded poverty for years due to family situation. I paid for little bits for here and there. She’d do it so subtly you wouldn’t even realise, like ordering a tap water and asking for a bit of your refill coke or saying she couldn’t afford something and would go home early. So of course everyone else offered to help out. Then found out she had a few thousand in savings. Her reasoning was that everyone else had more than her and we’d chosen to help her, we didn’t have more... but why should we pay even if we did. She still carried on doing the same to other friends, I never knew whether I should warn them?

@Nanny0gg

People have to stop thinking 'I don''t do confrontations'...

It doesn't have to be confrontational. In fact it only becomes that if the other person argues or makes it confrontational. Which then tells you all you need to know about them

A polite request for the money you're owed and a calm, firm, 'No, I can't do that' to cheeky requests will sort it.

Then walk away. Permanently

This is so true @Nanny0gg , especially on mn time after time. I wish people would realise that standing up for yourself is not confrontation.

I feel like I've just had a life lesson here, I hate confrontation as I've had family members, unpleasant exes and some bad friends in the past who would inflate things, it's so true that it's possible (and normal!) to have a reasonable chat and have that person accept your viewpoint if they're decent people too.

Also stuff gets inflated when the other person is being defensive/ projecting! Learnt that the hard way too!

She sounds like a bully as well as a greedy, grasping, freeloading CF.

She's abusing your friendship, taking advantage of your good nature and making you pay for the privilege of being her friend. She's not a friend in any way that I'd recognise.

I would say sorry but I'm short of money can I have it up front please.

Who needs enemies 😂

Ffs op sorry but you must be desparate for friends or just a huge people pleaser to put up with this shit. She's using you because she knows you will lie down and take it!

Grow up, tell her you will not be buying her anything else as she never pays you back, and just stop doing it in future. It's really simple.

It's really difficult to say no with someone like this, after years of experience I started a new way a few years ago. I don't LEND anyone money. If I want to GIVE someone something I do, but at my expense.

You do need to stop the current situation, I think that (as a coward), I would have a chat with her, tell her you have started to feel the pinch, and in an effort to look at your own finances, you've realised that you've lent several people money and I ts all adding up to a rather large sum. So you really need to ask her to pay you back. It's quite a lot £xxx so if she wants to give it back in a couple of payments your happy to take it in 2 monthly payments. But, your not going to LEND anyone money in the future. Instead you are going to think about ways to economies. Maybe you can do it together?

The OP hasn’t replied for two days, I don’t think they’re going to be back now.

Just because OP hasn't replied doesn't mean they aren't following the replies

in the shop if she asks you to pay just say oh ok i will hold them for you while you go to the cashpoint. always ask her to pay for the first taxi and id she doesnt then remind her to take the money out of the cashpoint for the return journey. if she asks you to pick anything up either say yes but you need to transfer the money first money is tight and then if she doesnt dont get it. when questioned about it say you didnt transfer the money so i couldnt get it. or just "forget" to pick it up. you need to make a list and tell her what she owes you too. get the money back and learn your lesson. she knoes exactly what she is doing and she will deffinatly not stop doing it until you stop letting her
good luck OP

To all those assuming the OP’s friend must have financial problems, I would say I doubt it. From my experience, people having financial problems are very, very aware of every penny going out and the impact of that. They are more acutely aware of the value of money, so would never ask someone to pick up all those odd things without actually paying it back immediately. Because they know what it’s like to be short and wouldn’t want to put anyone else in that position. My experience has been its people with money that are more likely to do this - because they genuinely don’t think about it. What’s £10 between friends here or there. They might not even notice they are the only one ever doing it because they never pay attention to money.

Now in the OP’s case I don’t think it’s an accident, but I do think that their “friend” is unlikely to have money problems. It’s certainly one way people with money keep their money.....

I was given a book when I was 16 called “Getting in touch with your inner bitch”. Excellent book by the way. The key take out is one line - “I don’t think so”. That’s your response EVERY TIME.

CF - “Can you grab me these PJ’s in Debenhams later?”
OP - “I don’t think so”

CF - “Can you put all the shopping through as I don’t like using my card?”
OP - “I don’t think so”

And so on. They can’t argue with it. It’s very clear that you aren’t going to be taken for a mug anymore too.

If all else fails, remember this - if you lend someone £20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it. Cut her off and if they don’t pay you back you’ll never see them again, meaning you are out of a very toxic friendship! Might have cost you £50 but saved you a lot more long term!

Good luck sorting her out.

The person I know who used to do something like this didn't have financial worries. She has a decent job and lives with family so no mortgage or rent and has bragged about her savings but she doesn't like to spend.

She will ask for things when she comes to my house

OP, I am sorry you are going through all this crap with this person, but she is really, really not your friend,

I am sure it is hard to realise that someone you thought of as a friend is actually dishonest, greedy, selfish and doesn't care about you as a person at all.

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to cling onto a "friendship", from which you get nothing positive. Perhaps you are looking for some kind of payback from her in the form of gratitude or feeling useful to her, but, it's never going to happen.

Please just walk away from her and block her. You will feel a lot better in the long run.

Good luck - you are worth more than being treated like this!