My friend has stopped paying for things ..aibu to mention it?

[berryberry44]

My friend will ask me to get things from town whilst I'm up (just stupid things like shampoo or a candle etc ) but never gives me the money.
Yesterday I dropped off around £10 worth of things and she took the bag and didn't mention paying.
Then we went out for lunch and I said il get the taxi there and you pay back.
She said no problem,il give you the money for back and you can use your Uber account.
Then she gave me half the taxi fare(I don't know how she thought that was correct)
Then popped in Superdrug and I had a few things,she hands me those and says "can you pay for these and il give you money,I hate paying with my card"
I said no,I said it gets too confusing.
Can we just pay for our own things.
Aibu to say that ?
Do I mention that she never pays ?

She's manipulating you. She's not a real friend OP. Friends don't do that. She is using you.

Text not phone. My bank was a bit short this morning and I realised it is because I have not been paid back for any of the shopping you asked me to pick up for you. It comes to £xx. I am happy to have the cash the next time we meet or if you want to bank transfer today that is fine too. Let me know which suits you best. Cheers, Berry.

Has she always been like this OP or is it a recent development?

Thinking about it again after my first post, I wondered whether it was a recent thing due to a change in financial circumstances (as so many are in the current climate) which she may or may not be too embarrassed/ashamed to tell you about.

I genuinely don't know or understand how people think this is ok and more so how people let them get away with it! Many years ago I went to a supermarket with a "friend" who was staying over the weekend, she assumed all the stuff she put in the trolley I was paying for. It became evident when we got to the checkout and I separated the shopping and she put most of it back because she'd have to pay for it.

You are a nice person, you seem young too, are you?

Just say “no, you still owe me £50, I can’t get you anymore things”

Don’t worry, you will either learn to stand up for yourself, or continue to be taken advantage off until you snap. When you snap you will wonder why you didint sooner.

Imagine if this was happening to your daughter....would you tell her to say no? Lead by example.

If you don't want to confront her, and can afford the £50, write that off and stick to cash from now on. Maybe stash a card for emergencies, but don't let her know it.

• you can't pick anything up for her, you only have £20 on you
• you're no longer using Uber as it's too easy to spend money, you have a taxi fare on you

I let one of my friends do this to me but I knew she had serious problems at the time. It didn’t go on forever though.

@berryberry44

We have been friends for over 15 years but you can't say anything to her or she fly's off the handle. She knows I won't ever ask for it. I feel cheeky saying "that's £10.25 please " If someone was coming to mine with things I had asked them to get,I would have the money ready. You know you have to pay for things. I don't get it.

How much do you want her as a friend...

...for you to do and say what she wants or she flies off the handle?

...to continue paying for things for her?

...to never dare asking for the money back?

What are you getting out of this one-sided friendship and how much do you need a friend like this in your life?

"Can you ...."
"No I don't have enough in my account"
"No I forgot my card"
"No i've cancelled my Uber account, friends were taking the mick"

Tbh she's using you, unless she cooks for you on a weekly basis etc it's not an equal friendship.

Are you looking for some new friends OP? Because I've seen these really nice shoes and...

Text her your bank details NOW and tell her she owes you £[sum] for [items] and you need the money returned.

You will quickly see she's not your friend.

Bonus: you won't feel bad about not seeing her again.

Your problem is you are letting her get away with it because she flies off the handle when you ask for the money. I would never get things for anyone more than once if they do not pay up (excepting elderly relatives but even then I don't think any of them have ever been as cheeky as your "friend". Next time she asks just forget to get it if you cannot bear to remind her she has not paid for the last twenty things she asked you to get. You need to be more assertive or find a better friend.

I have a “friend” like this. She’s earning about 130k a year, lives in a very expensive flat in central London with her rich husband and is looking at 1.8million pounds houses outside of London. ALWAYS forgets her purse or can’t remember her pin or has a new card which isn’t working. So I end up paying for lunch etc. Always says she’ll pay me back but never does. I now just avoid seeing her.

This person is not your friend.

Ask for the money back, stop shopping for and with her. You deserve so much better.

Debenhams Pj’s are easy ... send her the website link and says if she wants them she can order online, if she does not like using her card, easy - say you are very happy to shop online for her if she will hand her card over as you know how to input the numbers.

Next time she wants some shopping - send her the links so she can do it online with postage costs. Or failing that ask for the cash before you go shopping and you will give her the change on return?

Argh. I'd text and say Superdrug and Tesco were x amount -can you transfer it to me asap. Thanks

Then every time you are in superdrug -just say -no I'll buy my own things etc.

She's using you. She is not a friend. She's using abusive tactics to prevent you questioning her behaviour. Dump her.

@Cloudburstagain

Debenhams Pj’s are easy ... send her the website link and says if she wants them she can order online, if she does not like using her card, easy - say you are very happy to shop online for her if she will hand her card over as you know how to input the numbers.

Next time she wants some shopping - send her the links so she can do it online with postage costs. Or failing that ask for the cash before you go shopping and you will give her the change on return?

The not wanting to shop on line thing is easy -tell her not to look then online or to look decide what she wants and go into Debenhams and pay in cash herself.

Are you sure that she is a friend?

I would make an itemised list of all the money your friend owes you and then show it to her. She will probably be quite shocked at the amount. For the sake of your friendship you need to get things straight between you as this is causing resentment.

There comes a point when you have to take a firm line even in a delicate situation.

I used to work with a manageress who would ask her subordinates to get her things while they were out at lunch and then "forget" to tip up the money. They felt awkward about asking for the money repeatedly because she always said Ill give it to you later, but never did.

After it happened to me once I told her "I wont be able to get your lottery ticket today unless you pay me now as Ive only got enough for my bus fare with me. And you also owe me for last week, so that's £XX Ill need before I go." And I stood there and quietly waited until she put her hand into her bag and gave me the money. After that she never again asked me to bring back her shopping. It also gave the others the courage to say "Can I have the money up front in case you forget" Or some such.

I would jokingly say (so not over text as the tone is impossible to read) 'no way "insert name here'.....you still have $50 of stuff to pay for'.

You can bet she doesn't see herself as a cheeky fucker. I had a friend like this in my early 20s and she borrowed money from me and then got huffy when I asked for it back. She also sent her mother round to reprimand me for behaving like a loan shark. My mother told her mother that I'd only loaned her daughter the money because I'd been asked to and I would rather not have loaned it to her. I never got the money back, and they were cross with me, and they were then cross with my mother for having the audacity to politely back me up.

This friend moved away. We're still in contact on fb but she is always posting things that show she CARES. And I don't doubt that she does care (about Syria, Direct Provision, Israel). She is a good person and identifies with being a good person. But when it didn't suit her to do the right thing and pay me back, she effortlessly constructed this narrative that I was a ''loan shark'' and sold it to her mother as well!

If my daughter told me she owed some girl money, I'd pay it back for her but get her to do some weeding in the garden and tell her to live within her means and to stop borrowing.

People can be very blind. I'm regularly amazed by how deluded people allow themselves to be.

You are right to say no. Keep saying, " no, I'm skint, I cant afford to pay for your stuff." If you felt confident enough, you could say you owe me £50.

@biglouis I doubt she’d be in the slightest shocked at the amount, actually.