My friend has stopped paying for things ..aibu to mention it?

[berryberry44]

My friend will ask me to get things from town whilst I'm up (just stupid things like shampoo or a candle etc ) but never gives me the money.
Yesterday I dropped off around £10 worth of things and she took the bag and didn't mention paying.
Then we went out for lunch and I said il get the taxi there and you pay back.
She said no problem,il give you the money for back and you can use your Uber account.
Then she gave me half the taxi fare(I don't know how she thought that was correct)
Then popped in Superdrug and I had a few things,she hands me those and says "can you pay for these and il give you money,I hate paying with my card"
I said no,I said it gets too confusing.
Can we just pay for our own things.
Aibu to say that ?
Do I mention that she never pays ?

I would ask for the money and then never buy anything for her again.

'I hate using my card'

OP, stop being such a mug. 🚫

Send her a bill. If you can itemise it, even better.

@EmbarrassingAdmissions I totally agree. Whether it were for "luxury" non essential items or basics due to financial straights, this so called "friend" is still being a CFer.

It's possible of course that she is in financial difficulty and by asking for items such as she has it may be a way of cheering herself up which a lot of folk who are in debt seem to do. Get the instant high of feeling better but very shortly after feeling even worse because they are just adding to their monetary woes.

Whichever it is she is not a "friend" for assuming, allowing and expecting the OP to pay for any of it.

None of us know the OP but from their posts I get the sense that they are worrying about losing this friend if they speak up.

OP needs to realise that if they do kick off they were never the friend they thought they were and are far better well rid of the freeloader

Stop being a doormat for goodness sake. She's taking the piss and she's not your friend.

@NancyPickford

So she'll fly off the handle.

So what???

You really have to become a bit more assertive when these things happen. Otherwise you will be funding her lifestyle until one of you dies.

This! Just fucking ignore her look in Debenham's for PJs. WTAF? Are you her PA? You have 'mug' written all over you. Bet you the friendship has been one-sided if you sit down and look at it. Step back from meeting her or going out with her if you don't have the backbone to stop her freeloading off you. So what if she flies off the handle? You owe her FA!

Don't buy her PJs! 'Look on Debenham's for PJs'. 'I'm busy just now.' WTF?

She gets away with it because you let her. She's no friend.

I'd be more choosy who I called friend if I was you.
She's using you and you are buying her friendship.
gain some dignity, dump the "friend" and find nice people who won't use you as a cash cow.

Stop letting her know you're in town/going into town. Only tell her after the fact.

And get cheeky back. Ask when she's treating you to lunch as a thank you for all the stuff you've bought for her. Do it quick before the resentment builds up that you've stopped!

I had a friend who used ondo this. Odd pound here and there.
Or a bus fare.
Always.. We'll shops don't accept card under a fiver. (most didn't then)
This one time we were due to go the pound shop and I said oh we better go to the bank first as remember u can never use card under a fiver.. Knowing then she'd have change for her fare home.

It added ul. So much over time. I simply didn't have it.

feel cheeky saying "that's £10.25 please

I don't get it

You feel cheeky asking for your own money back? Not been funny but she's only getting away with treating you like her personal cash machine because you are letting her, why in earth are you?

You're being a push over. Why should you feel cheeky asking her for the money she owes you? Utterly ridiculous. No wonder she keeps doing it.

My parents have friends like this- who have just been able to take early retirement, which has surely been paid for in part by a lifetime of freeloading off other people...

If I add everything up it's probably near £50 Which I know isn't a massive amount

£50 is £50.She's using you.

Tell her she owes you and don't pay for anything else for her.

‘Can you pick up x?’
‘No, you haven’t paid my back for all the stuff I have already picked up and I’m now short of cash. Send me the money first and I’ll get it for you.’ Or wait Until later and say ‘oh I just got your message sorry I’m back home now.’ Act as if you missed it

The Superdrug thing I’d have just said ‘what are you talking about?’

Lose the tag back that she’s using you. If she shouts at you shout back! Get angry

She's abusing you. If you let her, she'll take more and more. What you should do is add up every penny she owes you and send her an itemised bill. She's not going to pay it, but she may flounce out of your life - and good riddance!

Confrontations with friends, workmates and bosses are always difficult. Thats why I always rehearse beforehand what I am going to say, as with my manager in the call center. I knew that co-workers were resentful that R (manager) had got money out of them by "forgetting" to return it and had no intention of letting the same difficult situation arise.

That was why I ended up saying that I had only my busfare to get home and needed the money up front to get her lottery tickets.

As I was leaving she said to me a bit sarcastic. "So youre going out shopping with only your busfare?" I told her "Yes but I have my cheque book if I see anything. They dont take cheques on buses or in lottery shops"

As I said she never again asked me to bring any shopping back for her.

This happened back in the 1980s when cheques were still a major means of paying in shops.

@berryberry44

We have been friends for over 15 years but you can't say anything to her or she fly's off the handle. She knows I won't ever ask for it. I feel cheeky saying "that's £10.25 please " If someone was coming to mine with things I had asked them to get,I would have the money ready. You know you have to pay for things. I don't get it.

so, she is manipulation you (and others?) into giving her what she wants.

she's no friend @berryberry44
being friends is a 2 way street. she's created a very convenient (for her) one way system!

When you say tbat she might “fly off the handle” what exactly will she be saying when she strops?

“I can’t BELIEVE you are asking me to give you money for things I asked you to buy! It’s so unfair!” Is she a petulant teenager?

She’s a cheeky fucker and plays on you being too much of a people pleaser to tell her to jog on. YANBU for refusing to pick up things for her or go halves with her on anything anymore.

She is a CF of the highest order! Not a friend ,just a user.What is going on this week .only yesterday someone saying their"friend" as asking for a loan out of their inheritance FFS! Anyway ,I would just not tell her if I was going to town .What sort of person asks her friend to buy PJS ! Tell her you are low on your card (probably are anyway after all these freebies you have dished out!) and you need cash from now on !

Confrontations with friends, workmates and bosses are always difficult.

Only if you see them as that. If you stop seeing open, honest, mature communication, assertiveness and speaking clearly as 'confrontations' life becomes infinitely easier.

One thing I really learned from my son who has autism is the value of clear language. He's great at it! Doesn't see it as 'confrontation'. Also love hanging out with my Dutch best friend, Scandi's don't do all this hinting and passive aggressiveness and find it rude to expect others to be mind-readers.

You stop seeing being concise and clear as 'confrontation' and more like being an adult and get so much further in life by it. It's not rude to say what you mean.

Text her 'they have the PJs in Debenhams. Do you want to send me £80 and I'll pick them up. Then we are straight.' She will unlikely ask you again

She’s not your friend or she wouldn’t take the p**s like that.

What’s the worst that can happen you loose a freeloader and a load of stress but you’ll be pounds better off

I also struggle a bit to be assertive, and I was able to get on an NHS 6-week assertiveness course which helped. (The best week was the class on How to say No!)

I wouldnt even bother looking for PJs. She.can look online. Stop making excuses for her. Dont tell her when you plan to go shopping and stop arranging to meet up. If she insists you meet then pretend to not take your card with you, say youve just enough cash for a coffee which the cafe probably wont take anyway.