Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

[OdaMaeBrown]

Fuck that shit. You shouldn't have to manage the arrangements for your youngest so you can have a day with your eldest.

Tell your husband you and your son are going off for the day and leave him to sort out his day with your youngest.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

I'm sure there's a back story but you do seem to be sulking in the car to punish your mum for not doing things your way, which is pretty pa and has left you with the worst possible outcome. Next time it might be better to stick to your guns.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Also, where is your dh in all this?

[Sarah510]

I think, and no criticism intended at all, cos I'm guilty of doing this... I think you need to state what YOU want to do very clearly with no misunderstandings, or trying to manouver a day out with your older son by kinda organising everyone.

If you are there with your DH can you and he not decide and you can tell him what you really feel - eg 'I need a day out without mum or baby' cos that's what you really wanted isn't it??? I think it's ok to say clearly that you need some space, or that you want 'alone time' with older ds. Equally if your husband or mum have something they want to do, you can accommodate them. I'm sorry you're having a crap day. I think you need to get your dh 'on your side' and present a united front. Especially if she triggers you - get him to tell her the arrangments, he might be more detached, and she will 'take' it from him. IUKWIM

[GreenRoads]

Where is your DH in all this?

Exactly. I thought on first reading that you and your mother were the only two adults on holiday and that you needed her to care for one child while you had some one-on-one with the other, but your DH is there, too. There are three adults and only two children! If your mother wanted to go on the day out, your DH could have stayed at home with the little one if necessary, surely?

[Sarah510]

PS and think very carefully about inviting mother for 10 day (!!!!) holiday. I wouldn't survive that... Unless she did LOADS of babysitting lol. Does she enjoy the kids, or does she see it as a bit of a chore. To be fair my parents used to really enjoy looking after the kids when they were little, it was pure enjoyment for them.

[PuzzlingPieces]

My dd would always wake up if I transferred her from the car to a pram in attempt to keep napping so I see why someone is sat in the car but unclear why it's you and not DH

Also with 3 adults and 2 kid ratio for a day out I don't understand how you can't have some nice time with your eldest..... if you can't cope with that ratio then what do you do normally!

I think you're clearly upset as ultimately you wanted the day without your mum and just your eldest and now it's not happened you're annoyed, and it's unacceptable how your mum spoke to you when you're providing a holiday - but maybe she felt this was all a bit dramatic just for the black gang chine

[Hopscotch27]

@Haffdonga

I accept that I’m peeved but “grow up” is a bit strong when I’m the one who’s taken my mum on holiday, trying to make her happy as well as everyone else, & the way she attacked me this morning made me think “why do I bother?” I also accept that I’m an easy-going person, I hate aggression or rowing. But I honestly don’t understand the grow-up comment. I’m not sulking right now, I just feel sad, like I’ve made no-one happy. But it is what it is. Baby has been on the go day after day so far. I thought one day out wasn’t an unfair request but maybe I’m in the wrong. Others don’t see it that way I guess

[bowchicawowwow]

Wow, he's 20months not a newborn. You only have two children plus there are 3 adults to assist. Why could you not all just go to Blackgang Chine? This all sounds ridiculous.

[heymacaroner]

I bet this is about your mum feeling you don't want to spend the day with her. In the first scenario you weren't going to spend the day with her, so she suggested you all go, and now you've effectively said you're not going because she is. In her mind I bet that's why.
Might help for you to explain to her why you wanted to spend the day with DS1 alone

[Greenpop21]

YABU. DS2 is a toddler. Put him in a buggy and get in with it. Forget trying to have quality time with one child on a family holiday. It’s just parenting, stop making a meal out of it.

[Villanemme]

Bloody hell. She shouldn't have to ASK her dh to take turns with the buggy and feeding, he's a parent ffs.

[amicissimma]

When you raised the subject your mum wanted to go. Did you mind if she did, in which case did you say that this once you preferred just to be DS1 and you alone, and how did she respond?

Having established that your mum wasn't willing to look after DS2, presumably you told your DH how much you wanted to have a day with just DS1. Was he OK to stay behind with DS2? Did he argue or refuse?

What did each of them say when you made it clear that a day with just the two of you was very important to you?

If the other adults both insisted on going even though you had made it clear that you wanted a one-off with just the two of you, you had the choice of going with them or staying behind. Your choice, and while it may not have been your ideal, and it is disappointing that neither adult would help you achieve what you'd hoped for, I think you might be happier if you made up your mind to enjoy the rather different day that made the others happy.

If you have a problem with your DH regularly refusing to help you to do something that you've made clear is important to you, that needs addressing.

[PaddyF0dder]

OP:

You sound ungrateful. Your parents don’t owe you anything. You’re getting to go on holidays, with support from grandparents, at a time when a lot of people get to have neither.

Show some appreciation and stop behaving like a spoiled child.

[Toilenstripes]

OP to DH: I’m taking the 6 year old out for the day tomorrow so you and mum will need to do your own thing with 20 month old.

End of discussion.

[Countrysidelife54]

I dont understand why you just didnt go, why would you want to sit in a hot stuffy car?
Get out the car, give dh the baby and spend some time with your older ds.

[JizzPigeon22]

Fucking hell stop being a martyr and making everything so complicated. Do you know who you’ll end up like? Your mother!

[Summer41]

Put DS2 in a pushchair, you and DS1 have a lovely day going on all the rides together whilst your Mum and DH take turns looking after DS2. You're on holiday, you can throw the baby's routine out the window for a few days and go back to normal when you get home.

You're putting too much energy into keeping to the baby's routine and keeping the baby happy. The baby can nap in the pushchair, as long as he's fed and gets time out of the pushchair to stretch his legs he'll be fine. Relax, enjoy yourself, you're on holiday!

If you want a day out that's just you and DS1, tell your DM and DH that on x day that is what you're doing and that they will be in charge of the baby for the day. It should be up to them what they do for the day though, you shouldn't be telling them that they need to stay on site and do what you say with the baby.

[hammeringinmyhead]

[quote Hopscotch27]@Haffdonga

I accept that I’m peeved but “grow up” is a bit strong when I’m the one who’s taken my mum on holiday, trying to make her happy as well as everyone else, & the way she attacked me this morning made me think “why do I bother?” I also accept that I’m an easy-going person, I hate aggression or rowing. But I honestly don’t understand the grow-up comment. I’m not sulking right now, I just feel sad, like I’ve made no-one happy. But it is what it is. Baby has been on the go day after day so far. I thought one day out wasn’t an unfair request but maybe I’m in the wrong. Others don’t see it that way I guess[/quote]
Are you reading the same replies as I am?!

I notice you have avoided the DH questions.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

There was nothing unreasonable about your initial plan, but having then agreed to change it, you then trying to get out of the new arrangement is passive aggressive. Why could your dh not have stayed back with the younger one? Why isnt he the one sat in the car now (if you must sit in the car)?

[Greenpop21]

Have a little paddle with your eldest when you’re all at the beach, it’s doesn’t have to be a whole day together exclusive of everyone else, that’s too much pressure.

[Wolfgirrl]

She sounds like a control freak. What is it about mums/MILs where they revert back to 'I'm in charge' mode when everyone is all together 🙄 and I totally get why you would want to keep baby in routine for the day and have a nice relaxing time.

If I were you, I would book a taxi and take yourself & the baby back to your accommodation.

Tell her tonight you wont be inviting her on holiday again.

[ravenmum]

Did you tell your mum you wanted time without the baby, or with your son?
Sounds like she imagined this as having fun on holiday with you, rather than doing things either on her own or with your dh?

[gloriawasright]

You went in a huff,and spoiled the day for everyone.
If you act like this often then maybe your mum has to put up with this a lot .
I don't really blame her for losing it .
I think yabu.

[Twizzleisadancer]

this all sounds so incredibly dramatic over basically nothing! You all need to get over yourselves! and where is your husband in all of this? why couldn't he have stayed back at the hotel with the baby if your mum also wanted to go? you could then have had a nice day with your older son and your mum at the theme park?