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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row with mum on holiday

493 replies

Hopscotch27 · 07/08/2020 11:11

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 08/08/2020 17:52

OP ain’t coming back y’all, don’t waste your breath!

CallmeBadJanet · 08/08/2020 17:56

@Hopscotch27 It sounds like you’re over stretching yourself and people pleasing everybody. But yourself. In the future, decide what you want (one to one time with older one), tell (don’t ask) everyone that’s what you are doing, therefore putting a boundary on it, then stick to your plan. But also, stretch your routine, you’re on holiday, it’s not possible to micro manage everything and have a relaxing time. It puts everyone on edge, that’s probably why your mum exploded. Put younger one in the buggy, slap a smile on and get out there!

LunchBoxPolice · 08/08/2020 17:58

She’s probably passed out in her car from heat exhaustion.

becauseIcare · 08/08/2020 18:10

I absolutely feel for you but I think if you are honest ........ the sleepless night completely played into your hands as you could stay at home ( and make your point)
I would suggest a good chat with your Mum and let her know you really want to spend a bit of quality time with older son.
Maybe partner could have baby and you and your Mum do a special outing
Good luck really really difficult but not worth falling out over

FelicisNox · 08/08/2020 18:12

YABU for the simple fact that you didn't organise this and communicate what you wanted from the get go.

Your mum is right. You keep organising and reorganising everything to suit yourself without communicating with the people around you.

Also: just because you organised a holiday does not mean everyone else is at your beck and call or a mind reader.

Ultimately you made plans and changed them twice to suit yourself and if I was your mum I would think you didn't want to spend the day with me.

You are not the only person upset here and you need to recognise this and ideally evolve away from this type of behaviour in future.

As the saying goes: just because you're outraged, doesn't mean you're right.

Strangeways19 · 08/08/2020 18:14

I feel like your mum is a bit of a control freak nightmare & has forgotten what it's like to have young children. I feel bad for you, this is your holiday too!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/08/2020 18:20

Well you made plans that DM would babysit - but you didn’t tell her. Then you agreed that you’d all go. Then at the last minute you pulled out, or tried to. Now you’re sat in the car like a sulky teen when you could be up in the park area by the pirate ship having coffee, Loos and the most stunning views.
There are only 3 rides at Blackgang chine and only 2 for a 6 yr old so that’s a silly excuse. You’re sulking - stop it!

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 08/08/2020 18:37

You just need to be more firm. If you want to spend some one on one time with your eldest, tell your husband you're doing just that, then go do it!

Mary46 · 08/08/2020 18:41

Do your own thing going forward. You have to suit your own family. Too stressful other people.

TheGardenFairy · 08/08/2020 19:15

Is there a valid reason why you couldn’t take younger DC in a buggy and let DH and DM push her while you concentrated on older DC? Most people manage 2 children between 3 adults on days out

Goingdownto · 08/08/2020 19:17

Yes the "valid reason" is she wanted uninterrupted time with one child.

TheGardenFairy · 08/08/2020 19:27

Goingdownto

Yes the "valid reason" is she wanted uninterrupted time with one child

OP has 2 children. Why couldn’t DH or DM take responsibility of one while OP concentrated on the other? Why should anyone miss out on a day out?

bytheseaby123 · 08/08/2020 19:27

She wanted you all to go because she wants to spend time with you.
I think you wanted a nice easy day with the eldest and should have been clearer about that.
Why didn't your husband stay with youngest and you, mum and eldest go?
No need to book the extra 2 tickets.

BlogTheBlogger · 08/08/2020 19:43

Not sure if it's been asked already in the 19 pages already used but why couldn't your husband stay with ds2?

GrinGrin cancel the cheque!!

Goingdownto · 08/08/2020 20:01

Because the younger dc will want/expect mum to do stuff for them if he/she can see their mum, and OP knows this. Because it wouldn't be a day out for such a young child anyway. Because it's ok to have one on one time with your child.

TheGardenFairy · 08/08/2020 21:11

Going down into

Because the younger dc will want/expect mum to do stuff for them if he/she can see their mum, and OP knows this. Because it wouldn't be a day out for such a young child anyway. Because it's ok to have one on one time with your child

You think youngest child would be happy sitting in a car with mum while the others had a lovely day out? Wouldn’t it have been easier to put DC2 in a buggy and take him/her with them? Do you conclude DC’s dad and grandmother are useless?

Can your family not manage 2 children between 3 adults??

Most families manage 2 children between 3 adults....

MsEllany · 08/08/2020 21:33

@Goingdownto

Because the younger dc will want/expect mum to do stuff for them if he/she can see their mum, and OP knows this. Because it wouldn't be a day out for such a young child anyway. Because it's ok to have one on one time with your child.
It is our job as parents to not bow down to the wants of a toddler particularly when there are other adults - including another parent! - available.

Clearly OP isn’t going to come back, she’s sulking in the car of her own thread.

Celestine70 · 08/08/2020 21:55

She has been rude and ungrateful. Maybe she didn't want to be alone with your other half? You could have suggested he stay back?

DaveProdrick · 08/08/2020 21:58

Paddy Fodder you are being incredibly unfair to OP she has paid for a holiday for whole family and included her Mum, in return she wanted one day of quality time with her elder son, neither of the other 2 adults DH & her had the gumption to pick up on this and volunteer to stay with the baby, they are both incredibly selfish. Then for her Mum to pick a row when OP decided to do the best by the baby and stay, I think OP has gone over and above for her family and her Mum and DH should hang their heads in shame.

DaveProdrick · 08/08/2020 21:59

Her mum

Wolfgirrl · 08/08/2020 21:59

@MsEllany

So you have never had a break from your kids? You have taken them anywhere and everywhere?

Merryweather80 · 08/08/2020 22:54

I've just had a day similar. I'm shattered, fed up and ache all over.
I have a similar and when I've had a bad night with the baby and been up early too sometimes I don't want to do the exhausting day ahead.

I would love to have a day of my eldest and but I know it won't happen. There's always something or someone sticking their bit in.

I hope you manage to get some rest and time with your eldest this holiday. I think grandparents forget what it's like. Its even harder for me in a wheelchair it's like being told what to do all over again by parents when you just don't need it.

I'm off to bed. I hope you feel better today.

KatherineJaneway · 09/08/2020 06:03

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@KatherineJaneway

Probably because she’s moved on and enjoying the rest of her holiday !![/quote]
Doubt it.

ivykaty44 · 09/08/2020 06:11

It’s a family holiday, so go and have fun, let your dh run around after the toddler

Chill in the car

Joyfulmummyofone · 09/08/2020 06:52

What I read from your post is that you're tired and feel unsupported and I really feel for you. You wanted to give your eldest a really special day - including 1:1 time with you, and that didn't work out as you hoped.

Every child is different. When mine was little it was impossible to just put her in a buggy and carry on (if she'd fallen asleep in the car). In fact even turning off the ignition would wake her and then it would be a tough day because she'd not had her full sleep. I used to watch in amazement how some babies and toddlers could be lifted up into a buggy and moved around and still stay asleep! I don't know if this is your situation but it's not always easy to "just put them in a buggy and carry on", for some toddlers, going off routine can make a tough day for the mum.

It sounds like the hurt you are feeling stems back from the original disappointment, when your suggestion that you go to BlackGang Chine with your eldest alone wasn't supported by your mum or your husband. You said you were hoping "one of the adults" would look after little one - so this suggests neither your mum or your husband were prepared to do that for you.

Your mum wanted to go herself and talked you into buying tickets for everyone - and then of course it panned out as you describe - possibly because your disappointment and frustration was still strongly felt even though "on the surface" you were prepared to compromise on your original idea.

Underneath all this it sounds like your needs are not being heard or recognised. You wanted one day of fun with and for your eldest. You say at the end that you never get a break from baby. With two other adults on the holiday with you, I really don't think one day out with your eldest was a lot for you to ask for. In fact, I don't think one day of the holiday on a spa day on your own would have been a lot to ask for!

I'm sorry this happened on your holiday and hope that when all has calmed down you can talk this through with your DH, so that at least he understands. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday x