Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

[lilgreen]

Also, Black Gang Chine is a big attraction on IOW. Why wouldn’t your DH and DM want to go? Your plans were selfish.

[Wolfgirrl]

Cant believe the comments OP is getting here. She takes her mum on a 10 day holiday with her husband and kids, would like just 1 day to spend time with DS1 (because she probably runs around after DS2 all day while DH and her mum dont), and her mum refuses to help out?!

Seriously this is ine of those threads where posters make out they would be all chilled and cool about it, but they wouldn't IRL.

for you OP.

[HerNameWasEliza]

I accept that I’m peeved but “grow up” is a bit strong when I’m the one who’s taken my mum on holiday, trying to make her happy as well as everyone else, & the way she attacked me this morning made me think “why do I bother?” I also accept that I’m an easy-going person, I hate aggression or rowing. But I honestly don’t understand the grow-up comment. I’m not sulking right now, I just feel sad, like I’ve made no-one happy. But it is what it is. Baby has been on the go day after day so far. I thought one day out wasn’t an unfair request but maybe I’m in the wrong. Others don’t see it that way I guess

I don't mean this rudely but you don't actually sound easy going in this situation. I actually took our 2 to blackgang chine when the littlest was 22 months. He had a ball. He was also not the sort to sleep if you moved him to a buggy but he would catch up later if needed. I think the issue is that you chose - yes you not your mother - to go for a day out today and then you have changed your mind. Your mother was clearly looking forward to the day out with you and your kids and I think you were really blase about how you handled letting her down. Nothing materially changed really, you just changed your mind. It is, of course, your right to do so but it is daft to expect others not to have feelings about that. I don't think anyone is saying it's an 'unfair request' and whilst you're saying things like that I think you are perhaps not getting what posters are saying. It's totally fair to chose not to take your child with you, even if it is different to what 90% + of posters would do. It is totally fair too of your mother to say 'I'd really like it, can we make it work?' and then again it's fair for you to say 'no, it really doesn't suit me'. That is all good. What your mother is reacting to is not any of this (according to what you said) but the fact that you pulled out at the last minute given no significant material change in circumstances and in doing to you let people down. I think it's out of order for her to say 'i'm not having it, we're all going' as she does not have the right to boss you around or tell you what to do now you're a grown up but I do understand her frustration. I think as others have said the issue may be needing to be more assertive and decide truly before committing to things. People who change their mind at the last minute are not actually easy going and can make things difficult for others. It's not the biggest deal in the world though so I hope you guys can talk it through later, put things to bed and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

None of this is your DM's responsibility or fault. You could have arranged for your DH to watch the baby today if you wanted a day alone with DS1. You could have popped the baby in the buggy rather than sitting being sad in the car.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Just put the toddler in the pushchair and get in the park. When you want to go on a ride with ds1, say "me and ds1 are going on that, who is going to watch ds2?" I think your should have communicated your expectations a lot more clearly and earlier. Your mum's probably confused as fuck as to what's going on.

[AskingforaBaskin]

This so a 100% you problem.
You didn't do the best for your children on either decision and let them down.
You need to strengthen your spine and stop being a doormat.

[jessstan2]

@Feralkidsatthecampsite

Why didn't you just put toddler on the buggy and go?

That is exactly what I would have done. I took mine there at that age and he thoroughly enjoyed it.

Stop calling him, "Baby"! He is your baby or the baby if you must but just 'Baby' is ridiculous.

[Hopscotch27]

@PaddyF0dder

Ungrateful? How so when I’ve taken her on holiday!!!! I’ve paid for her for all our days out! I try and look after her as much as anyone else. If there’s one thing I’m definitely not, its ungrateful. But thanks for the harsh judgement.

[BadDucks]

Yes OP you are ignoring questions about your DP and taking what you want from the responses to feel even more sorry for yourself.
I suspect there is a back story here but people can only advise based on the information given.
Your original request was perfectly reasonable you just didn’t communicate it properly with your DH and then stand firm with your mother.

[Shamoo]

I’m sorry you are upset, but like others I don’t understand why your DH didn’t stay home with the baby. That would have met your needs and your mum’s wish to come. The lack of a role of your DH in the story actually suggests to me that he may be the issue - it would be far more reasonable for your DH to look after the baby than your mum.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Plus you seem to believe your mum owes you childcare. She doesn't. Your husband and you are responsible for the children.

[HerNameWasEliza]

Cant believe the comments OP is getting here. She takes her mum on a 10 day holiday with her husband and kids, would like just 1 day to spend time with DS1 (because she probably runs around after DS2 all day while DH and her mum dont), and her mum refuses to help out?!

I don't think her mum did 'refuse to help'. I think she said 'how about we all go to blackgang chine' which seems very reasonable. If her DH does not do 50% of the running round after DS2 on holiday than this appears to be a DH issue not a mum issue.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

Don't sit in the car on a hot day like this

[howfarwevecome]

I don't understand why your DH didn't offer to stay behind with the toddler to give you a day out with your older son if that's what you desperately needed.

[hammeringinmyhead]

I mean either he wouldn't stay behind or OP wouldn't have trusted him to because he never looks after DS alone. Neither sounds great, does it.

[Pelleas]

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time here, OP.

The way I read your post is that the arrangements could have been easily made by having a normal conversation but your mum blew up at you before you had the chance to discuss things.

Who looks after which child and where isn't really the issue - it's the fact your mum wouldn't sort things out like an adult. Now you're pointlessly stuck in the car with the baby, when you could've been back at your accommodation in comfort, or your mum could have looked after the baby while you enjoyed the park with the older child.

I totally get why you're pissed off.

[LagunaBubbles]

So why couldn't DH watch the baby, you still haven't said?

[Heffalooomia]

If my mother spoke to me like that I would freeze her out of my life, I don't think it would be any loss

[Miljea]

@TheTigerWho

I don't think I'd like someone I was on holiday with to talk to me like she did. I think holidays with extended family can be a bit hit or miss. I think sometimes GPs want to come and have an actual holiday and forget that the kids need to be worked around a bit. Your DH couldn't have stood up for you really as it is his MIL. I don't think YABU though. I'm sorry you're stuck on holiday with someone who gave you such a telling off about you deciding what to do for your young DC....

Disclaimer: my mum is long dead, before we had dcs, so I have no idea how this relationship really works, so I may be talking absolute shite!

Reminded me of a family holiday we took, me, DH, DSs aged 3/5 and my parents, to Cornwall where we have family.

DM totally dominated it. We spent most of the holiday in the car driving to gardens, to garden centres, to relatives. She had it all planned out with zero downtime.

Came to a bit of a head when we'd returned hot and tired from Heligan, and DH and I decided to take the DSs to the complex's swimming pool before heading out to catch up with relatives for a picnic (where she was desperate to parade her GCs to her BIL and SIL).

So yes, we were running late by half an hour. We called the relatives before they left their home and they were fine about it, understanding that with 3/5 year olds, things happen. They're lovely, easy going people.

DM on the other hand was furious with us! I think she felt it somehow showed her up in a bad light to her ILs.

Anyway, we had a lovely evening picnic on the sand dunes.

But I told DM that we were absolutely not going out anywhere the following day, that she and long-suffering DDad could do their own thing.

She did concede she was trying to pack too much in and that she was overlooking that it was our holiday, too!

[countrygirl99]

I'm not convinced we are being fair to OPs mum. The comment about being able to look after the baby makes me wonder if the OP is constantly playing the martyr and only she can look after the toddler blah blah. Maybe her mum has got fed up of it and this was the final straw. Would fit with ignoring questions about her DP too.

[LightDrizzle]

Yes you are ignoring the vast majority of responses and setting up a straw man that fits with your martyrdom.
You win! Enjoy! No one will thank you for it, least of all your children when they grow older.
FWIW your mum has behaved horribly and your DH is shit for not offering to look after the baby so you could take your older child. But clearly he is not expected to parent.
I guess you just have to do it all! Sigh! Poor you! Etc etc on repeat.

[Enterthedragons]

I get it OP. 20 month olds are wild and bloody hard work. They need naps and routine and it’s hard to maintain that when you’re out and about. You wanted to spend some enjoyable, relaxing time with your 6 year old, I would feel exactly the same.

[FancyAnOlive]

I can see why your mum is upset - you do sound a bit controlling OP. And dramatic! If I were you I'd do what lots of other posters have suggested and put the toddler in the buggy (he's not a baby is he at 20 months?) and crack on and enjoy the day with everyone else. 3 adults 2 kids should be easy. I also don't think the fact that you are paying for your mum's holiday entitles you to say what she can and can't do on it. So if she wanted to come, then that's fine and you adapt accordingly. And yes, what about DP????

[Heffalooomia]

I think your mother is defensive because she knows that she's beholden to you (since you paid for holiday) but she doesn't like being in that one down position and she's trying to restore what she feels ought to be the status quo....ie that you are the subordinate person who's in the wrong

[PainintheholeSIL]

@Hopscotch27 your mum does sound like a pain in the arse but you still haven't said why you couldn't put the almost 2 year old in a buggy?
I can understand why you're pissed off but I think you're being a little bit of a dose with the "mummy mode" and "baby" thing. Almost 2 is not a baby and surely your mum or DH would push the buggy while you do what you wanted to do with your older ds.

First mistake though was bringing your dm on holiday in the first place. No way in hell would I go with any of my family. Or DH's.