Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

[User27aw]

Just put the toddler in the buggy and push him around the park. Why are you sitting in the car?You've got 3 adults and 2 children, you can swap around between you. I've never that adult to child ratio on holiday. I agree with your mum.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

I don't understand. If you ended up booking tickets for everyone then why are you sat in the car? Can't the young one sleep in their pushchair/pram?

You should really have told everyone in advance that you were planning to spend a day by yourself with DS1 and explained why. Your mother wouldn't then have been surprised.

"So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go'
You made the decision. Own it.

I totally get why your DM was unhappy with you changing your mind. You need to make a decision and stick to it. If you look at if from your DM's point of view:

1. You told her you planned to go with DS1.
2. You then agreed to all go as a family.
3. Next day changed your mind and decided to stay behind with DS2.

I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS
Nope.
You failed to communicate this effectively to her.
You allowed yourself to change your mind.
You then backtracked because you were peed off that you hadn't stuck to your original decision.

You probably need to do a course in assertiveness. I suspect you are possibly an indecisive person if it takes so little for you to deviate from a plan for something you really want to do.

Be annoyed by all means, but with yourself, not your mother. Next time communicate effectively.

[FatCatThinCat]

You're blaming your mum but it's you who is allowing it to happen. You could have said no initially to your mum wanting everyone to go, but you didn't. You could have stood your ground after deciding to stay home, but you didn't. You could have put the baby in the buggy and gone in with the others, but you didn't. Start putting your foot down.

[Shoxfordian]

I agree with your Mum as well
Ds2 can go in a buggy and sleep
No need for you to sit sulking in the car

[AygoHomeNow]

You're being a martyr, sorry. My SIL pulls this shit all the time on holiday with the plans changing at her whim - always revolving around her and imaginary childcare issues. It's tedious. Grab the baby and go join your family.

[reefedsail]

You needed to be more assertive I think.

You could have said initially to DH that you really wanted to take DS1 and checked he was happy to keep DS2 at the resort. Then, with that sorted, you could have given your mother the choice of who she went with.

[Fatted]

So you had a plan, but didn't tell anyone else your plan? And were secretly hoping that you could dump childcare responsibilities into your mum on her holiday? Why did you not just get your youngest up when you got there?! Why can't you and DH swap over with eldest going on the rides? You do sound like you've made a mountain out of a molehill.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

There's loads to entertain a 20mo in Blackgang Chine. Just put him in his buggy now and head in after them, he might grouch a little but the dinosaurs, cowboys etc will soon distract him!

[Jessbow]

You wanted your Mum to stay behind.
When she didn't want to, you decided you would.

Feel that from her perspective.

Now you are all there, and you are behaving like a Martyr, sitting in the car sulking , missing out on the good time you wanted to have with your 6 year old.

Give your head a wobble and get on with it!

[BadDucks]

So where’s your DH in all this? Did you not have a conversation with him and say you want a one on one day with older days so he can stay back with the baby? Then you could have just given your mum the option of staying back or coming with you. If she hadn’t liked the plan tough it’s what was set up between you and your dh.

[lilgreen]

It sounds as though you are making a huge deal about firstly, one in one time with your eldest and secondly about the baby. The ‘baby’ is a toddler. Families are about all being out together. Stop overthinking everything. Your mum sounds like she thinks you’re being precious . Just get in with it, we never separated off with our 2 on holidays.One of us might stay off a ride with the younger one but that’s better than staying home. YABU

[GlassMarble]

You’re problem is 3 fold:

1. You didn’t clearly say in advance what you’d like to do. Be more assertive and don’t let others ride roughshod over your wants. Your wants are just as valid as other people’s.
   

1. You let your mum override your change of plan without standing your ground.
   

1. Your DM is ridiculous, nasty and batshit for going that crazy over something so small.
   

And as an aside, where was your DH is all this? He could’ve stood up and volunteered to stay with the baby for the day. Standing up to your DM in the process.

[BadDucks]

Also with 3 adults and 2 children there is no reason why It should be difficult for you to go on rides with the eldest. I can see why you’re a bit peeved but you have entered into sulky, cut off nose to spite face territory.

[Whenwillthisbeover]

you could have left DH with the baby and you mother could have gone with you or stayed behind, whatever she wanted.

[hammeringinmyhead]

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

This is your own issue. Don't martyr yourself just because you're a mother. We are off to Alton Towers next month wuth our 22 month old DS and you can bet I'll be masked up and on Nemesis by 10am while DH mans the buggy! We'll take turns. You've got 3 adults, you're on holiday. Bugger the routine.

[Haffdonga]

YABU

Grow up. Put the baby in the buggy. Go and find your family. Apologise to everyone for being sulky and spoiling the day and smile.

Then have a great day.

[Nottherealslimshady]

You should have stood up for what you wanted when they tried to change the plans. They can suggest whatever they want but you were within your rights to ask for one day

[Poppet1974]

I get it, you wanted a day out with DS1 and it didn’t work out the way you’d hoped.
Holidays can be a time of stress, your mummy sounds a bit dickish if I’m honest.
Deep breaths and move on, just let it go or it will tarnish the day/holiday.

[Shedpaint]

Where is your DH in all this?

[Allthebestusernameshavegone]

I don’t think your mum great loosing her temper but to be fair I think you’re being really silly and agree with your mum that you should all go.

Why the hell are you sat in the car?!!!? Just put the baby in a bloody pushchair and go and join the rest of your family!

[Allthebestusernameshavegone]

*losing

[Beautiful3]

Put him in his buggy and go in. It will be fine to go together. Ask hubby to do some feeds, take turns pushing him. Dont be a martyr, ask for help when you need it.

[Yankathebear]

It is slightly bonkers op. Hey mum come on holiday but you can’t come out on this day, okay you can but I won’t come, okay I’ll come but I’ll sit in the car. How old are you? You sound like a stroppy teenager.

You’ve got 3 adults between two children.
By sitting in the car sulking you are the one ruining everyone’s day.

[flametrees]

Sounds to me like you just want to enjoy one day on holidays without having to manage two kids. You deserve that I think. You didn't ask to go off on your own. You were bringing one kid. The other audits could just go along with that I think. I'd be annoyed too.

[ChicCroissant]

The time to arrange this was before you went IMO - could have said then that you wanted a day with DS1. Harder to say when you are there that you want to spend the day away from everyone else.

However - why are you in the car? Put the baby in the buggy and join everyone else, you are totally in martyr mode and it won't be appreciated by anyone - you're not happy and they won't be either. Don't blame your mother.