Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

[Seracursoren]

I'm another person saying why on earth didn't you leave Ds2 behind with your Dh? Stop being ridiculous. You say you wanted a no baby day so why on earth did you listen to your Mum. You are an adult. Do what you want.

Also when you get home, make it a priority that at some point your Dh has either both children by himself so you get an actual break. Don't martyr yourself for this. Right from the off Dh had our children one on one or him with both.

[babycakes1010]

I think dh should of stayed behind!

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Why isn't your DH involved in this?

In our house it would have gone like this:-
"DH I want a day of 1.2.1 with DC1. Can you do something with DC2? Mum, I'm doing x with Dc1 and dh is doing Y with dc2 - who would you like to spend the day with?"

And why on earth didn't your dh stay with dc2 so you could do the day as planned

[1Morewineplease]

I , like a lot of posters on here, would really like to know your husband’s stance/involvement in this.

It sounds like he’s in agreement if he’s gone off with your mum and eldest.

Your mum behaved very harshly but was it because you have a habit of behaving as you did?

I’d certainly not be stuck in a car on a day like today.
Put your toddler in the buggy and crack on with the day.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

But then this... why does baby have to come along too when you said that you'd rather he had a quiet day with you on-site?

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one.


I don't want to pile on but you veer a bit towards 'lady bountiful' with your mother and I think it would be best if you don't make these gestures in future. Give and let go - or don't do it at all.

I'm sorry you feel so sad; suggest to your mum that you let bygones by bygones perhaps and enjoy the rest of your time? It will be an awfully long break if you don't and nobody will enjoy it.

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

You’re being a martyr, baby could have went in buggy.

[Waytoomuch82]

3 OP posts
All mention fact that OP paying for holiday
Let me guess OP... you threw this in her face during the argument?

Either way.... baffling that family communicate like this with one another. Close enough to go on a long holiday with one another but then engage with one another like this? Alien to me

[Morred]

Or, if your mum really wanted to go with you today, why not say “ok we’ll make this one a family day out but I’d really like 1-2-1 time with older DS so I’ll do something with him on Saturday instead.”

[Waytoomuch82]

Your “baby” is 20 months
That’s a toddler really
No need to be quite to velvet gloves at that age

[fitzbilly]

You are being extremely unreasonable and martyrly!

So calling your toddler a baby, he's not. He's a toddler, put him in the buggy, go into the park, get your mum or dh to such him while you go on rides with your other dc.

If you need a break from your toddler, talk to your dh. Ask him to give you a proper break. Share the parenting.

[LaserShark]

The husband/father’s absence from the whole scenario is baffling. Why is it up to the grandmother to provide the baby care when he is around anyway?? Why does it have to be one of the two women?

[Chocolateoo]

I think you are frustrated from dealing with a toddler. you wanted a break with your eldest child to do something nice with them. my son's two-and-a-half now and they have been times where I have felt like you. Last year I took my daughter to the cinema for the first time and left the toddler at home with dad because I just wanted to be with her doing something she would like.

It feels like when you have two kids at two different ages you feel constantly torn. I have a three year gap almost. So I had a older toddler and a new born. Now I have a toddler and a child that's maturing whilst he's in the thick of tantrums and potty training. my daughter wanted to do some school work this morning and he just had a paddy because we were sat at the table. He screamed whilst I tried to read her book just before lunch. I try and include him in these things but he's just really difficult page. I end up feeling guilty because I want to be able to give both kids some one on one that's relevant to their age.

I don't think people always pick up the hint. a couple of weeks ago I got dressed really early in the morning and got my five-year-old dressed. My plan was just me and her we're going to go for a nice walk through a grassy parkland without the toddler. the reason being the toddler hates his pushchair at the moment but he hates walking to because he just wants to run. I just wanted her to have some attention. My partner says I'll go and get dressed and we can all go for a walk.I said right well we will go somewhere else then because it's not an easy walk with a toddler their. he still didn't take the hint. They came with us and we ended up doing a smallish walk around the streets where we lived. it was ok but lots of stopping and battling him to walk nicely.

I think your mum doesn't grasp how you feel and thought she was finding a solution. But it's a shame she didn't listen.

[GabriellaMontez]

I agree it may have been nice to have a day without the baby and with your older child.

So why didn't you leave the baby with dh?

[Porcupineinwaiting]

@Chocolateoo in general, if you want people to understand your point of view it's best to give it, rather than "hinting".

[hammeringinmyhead]

I absolutely sympathise with the OP but I don't think anyone should rely on hints when it comes to this stuff.

[TheAquaticDuchess]

I understand why you’re upset. It sounds like there has been a distinct lack of gratitude from your mum, and things have been made awkward as a result.

I would say that it doesn’t sound like you were absolutely clear about what your original plan was, or what your priorities were. I think if you had explained that your specific focus was on having a day with your older son and that you wanted your husband or mum to facilitate that by looking after the younger, it might have been less fraught. It’s not always easy to advocate for yourself when you’re naturally an easy going person who avoids confrontation, but I think you should have communicated your wishes more explicitly.

That isn’t an excuse for your mum being angry, however - she wasn’t really being fair, and her reaction is disproportionate.

[Marlena1]

Completely agree with Chocolateoo. I have a 20 month old and while life is getting easier, for a long time I couldn't get away from her. My parents were a great help (I will never be let forget this) but mainly for DD1 who I missed out on a lot with. You're tired (understandable) and frustrated but you're mam is past that stage and honestly has probably forgotten how limiting it is. Go and enjoy yourself, don't let this blip spoil the holiday.

[willywillywillywilly]

OP it took me years to realise that hinting or hoping people would realise what I wanted to do and being annoyed if they didn't, wasn't easygoing at all.
I would tentatively offer my suggestions and easily change them to go along with others and then feel grumpy about it.

This is passive aggressive behaviour and everyone around me felt the effects of it! I am now much better at being assertive and saying what I want - I don't always get what I want, but if I compromise then I don't sulk about it either.
Honestly I feel loads better for changing my behaviour and I really think it's worth you looking into an assertiveness course or self-help book as someone upthread suggested.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day

[SerendipityJane]

The only thing getting to the end of this thread has left impressed on me is that the OP has repeatedly swerved several posters asking about their DH ....

I'm going to suggest the OP has a DH problem, not a DM one.

[Keeva2017]

You can’t always transfer a toddler to the pushchair and they stay asleep so why op is being hammered on this I don’t know!

I think you’re frustrated op because 2 adults couldn’t facilitate you having one day with older child. I’d be more annoyed at your dh for not speaking up originally and saying nope, wife wants a day with son, il stay with toddler, grandma make your choice.

Your mum tried to control the arrangements and didnt like it that you weren’t conforming. If she can’t be more flexible then she needs to make her own itinerary. Maybe she felt like you were trying to force her to stay with toddler and she felt guilty that she didn’t want to? Only you know your mum.

[rottiemum88]

@Haffdonga

YABU

Grow up. Put the baby in the buggy. Go and find your family. Apologise to everyone for being sulky and spoiling the day and smile.

Then have a great day.

This

[Jimjamjong]

I think lots of people are missing the fact that you changed your mind on going because you had been up early with DS2 and as a result you were tired and prefered a quiet day rather than the planned day.
Your mother didn't like that so she shouted at you.

You have a right to be tired and prefer a quiet day even if others had expectations. YA completely NBU.

[Nanny0gg]

Did you

[suzuki650]

Argh don't stay in the car at blackgang car park- you will melt!! There's only 3 rides the older one would be able to go on if he's over 110 cm tall so you could swap round with the toddler & go on those with him- they close for lunch though so just keep an eye on when they reopen. Ride ques we're really short yesterday- we only went out for a few hours (frequent visitors as live locally) & I think in an hour my son had been on all the rides 5x The smaller one would enjoy the barrels & wandering around nursery land & the dinosaurs are great. I know it's not the day you had planned but day entry to there is so expensive (I wouldn't pay it!!) it seems silly to waste the money & sit in a boiling car all day. Go in for a wander- have an ice cream (great ice cream shop near the rollercoaster) & enjoy the weather.

[Nanny0gg]

Did your mum not want t