Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

[Theploughwasshowingandorion]

Hope you’re ok OP- I feel sorry for you! Totally understand that it feels like the day has completely not gone the way you hoped, you are probably hot and bothered sitting in the car and feel like everyone’s against you. I reckon let your littlest wake up gently after another 15 or so, that way he’s had a nice little power nap and you’ve had time to calm down and reset, then go join them and act as cheery as you can so your older DS isn’t affected by the tension amongst the adults?

[Nanny0gg]

Ffs! Did your mum not want to be left with your DH?

[Chocolateoo]

Perhaps if she puts the baby in the push hair he/she will wake straight up then be a battle axe at teatime and fall asleep setting them up for a night of hell. Some toddlers are nosier than others. My first would have slept through. my second wouldn't.

She just wanted to soak in her eldest for the day and enjoy him. Ofcourse she can manage both children if she had too. She just for one day didn't want to worry about naps, nappies, letting a toddler wall about and get grumpy in the heat etc. I understand her completely.

Sometimes it's irritating having to consider other adults too and what they would want to do.

[Waytoomuch82]

Op you at at a fork
You could spoil the holiday
Sit in your car and fester and be grumpy and moody
Or you could plant a smile on your face, get yourself an ice cream and enjoy this sensational day with your family

[hammeringinmyhead]

I would assume OP was waiting for DS to wake up before going in to the park. I don't think she planned on sitting in the car...

[Waytoomuch82]

I suspect you will choose the former though sadly

[5foot5]

Ungrateful? How so when I’ve taken her on holiday!!!! I’ve paid for her for all our days out!

But could she be under the impression that the real reason you took her along was to provide free childcare.

[OverTheRainbow88]

Maybe OP didn’t put the baby in a buggy as the baby would have woken up after a 10 min nap then been grumpy all day... not all kids sleep in a buggy, especially when it’s hot and loud!!!!

If it was that obvious an answer of out baby in buggy OP would have worked that out her herself!!!!

[cuparfull]

Did you actually speak to both your mum and DH and explain you wanted quality time with your 6 year old?
Thats valuable time making memories.

Trouble often is that adults revert to childhood demeanors in the presence of their parents. DH could have spoken up.

[jenjen71]

what would happen i your dm wasn't on holiday with u?

[Viviennemary]

At first when you said baby I thought you meant a tiny one. He's a toddler. Agree with putting him in buggy and carry on. Three adults couldn't manage two children between them. It's a bit feeble.

[OverTheRainbow88]

I also often makes plans in my head and forget I haven’t verbalised them 😂

[Wolfgirrl]

@5foot5

But could she be under the impression that the real reason you took her along was to provide free childcare

Seriously? Her mum gets a 10 day paid-for holiday and OP is unreasonable to ask for 1 day of her watching DS1? Her mum should've offered to babysit if anything, to say thank you for the holiday.

[fairlyplump]

3 adults to take it in turns watching the toddler, yea your being unreasonable

[Staplemaple]

I don't get why you couldn't have all gone, and then just said that you'd like to go on a few rides etc with DS1, can your DH or your mum keep an eye on the toddler. But then you also seem to be saying that you should be the one to stay with DS2 as you know his routine etc

[fwwaftp]

I don't really understand any of this.
I just don't understand why you couldn't take the baby around the park in the buggy. I don't understand why your Mum couldn't look after the baby in the buggy in the park while you were on the rides with the older one.
And I REALLY don't understand what your DH was doing in all of this. Surely with 3 adults you could have managed with 2 children. I just don't know why you have chosen to sit in a hot car.

You just don't seem to be able to make a plan and stick to it. Perhaps this has something to do with your relationship with your Mum and how she brought you up. Is she quite domineering generally?
You should have stuck firmly to the first plan that you were going with DS and that the baby (20 month old but you talk almost as if it's a newborn) would stay at the site with Mum and DH. That was a good plan.
Then Mum persuades you to get tickets for everyone against your better judgement - so that's plan number 2.
Plan number 3: you wake up and decide the baby is tired and it would be better to stay at home because of his routine and that the older one would have a better day without you. So it ends up in an almighty row with your mother.
Plan number 4: you give in again and decide to go to the park with them but end up sitting in the car.

Get a backbone OP. I don't mean that nastily - but you need to. Trust your judgement. Your first plan was the best plan of all. Also, I really do question what DH is doing in all of this - he should be supporting you.

Oh and don't take mum on holiday again. Save yourself all of this hassle.

[katy1213]

Your husband seems to be getting off very lightly in this.

However, anybody who spoke to me like that on a holiday I'd paid for would not be invited next year.

[loobyloo1234]

YABU

Why are you sat in the car like a sulking baby? You really do need to grow up

[sobersides]

I think you're being unfair to expect to zip off to an attraction without anyone else when they're all on holiday with you. I wouldn't want to trek to the Isle of Wight then be asked by my daughter to miss a trip to Blackgang Chine no matter how much I love my grandchild.

I seriously get the desire to detach from the family and have a day out with just one child but that's not really fair on those left behind.

You are now being a Debbie Downer in the car trying to sabotage the whole day out and your mum's probably lost her rag because it's all so unnecessary.

I think you should drag out the buggy, join the group and apologise.

[merrytombombadil]

Agree with others - you should have just planned this with your husband, and arranged to take 1 child each - him the younger and you the older (pretty normal arrangement on holiday) & then just given your mum the choice of whether she wanted to chill in the park or come to blackgang chine.

[Arthersleep]

I sympathize. But you need to put your foot down and, instead of hint that you would like some help or hope that someone offers, outright ask them. You shouldn't have agreed to buy tickets for everyone and I think that the tiredness gave you the excuse that you wanted to stay at home, as you were less interested in going with youngest child. You then allowed yourself to be told off by your mother and again complied with her. I'm afraid that now you are being a bit of a martyr because you want to demonstrate how much they have ruined your day. However, I would tell DH or DM to look after youngest, whilst you go off and enjoy yourself with oldest. Or, if you can, use this as a chance to go to sleep if you can. I sympathize as my mother is a battleaxe, very dominant and I am quite submissive so tend to chose the easiest route. It's clear to me that by inviting your mother along you have put her above your own needs. I totally get it. I would be inclined to do something just by yourself and or oldest tomorrow and tell them that it's their turn to have the youngest.

[YgritteSnow]

Under no circumstances whatsoever would I have been coerced onto that trip after her tantrum. She's ridiculous and that's the last holiday I would be on with her.

[ButteryPuffin]

Ring your husband now, if you're still in the car, and say you want to swap so he needs to come back and take the baby while you go round with your older boy.

[DopamineHits]

Put the toddler in the pushchair and go and find your family.

Both you and your DM sound a bit dramatic. Your DM should be more diplomatic considering she's on a paid-for holiday (don't take her away with you again), and you sound like you enjoy playing the martyr a bit. Your DC's are fine. Relax a bit and stop over managing.

[NK346f2849X127d8bca260]

I went on holiday with my mother once and vowed never again, she wanted everything her way.